“What the fuck did you do to yourself?” he growls as he pulls the towel away from me. He kneels in front of me so that he can get a better look at what I’ve done.
My stomach is filled with cuts—old ones, new ones—and all the words I’ve ever been called are carved into my skin. My legs are filled with cuts too because I needed more space. I ran out of room on my stomach and I needed to cut myself to cope. When I don’t answer him, he looks up at me and his eyes are filled with something…
“Answer me! What the fuck have you been doing to your body, baby? I can see the outline of all your fucking ribs!” he snaps, and I start to cry harder. He looks at my stomach again. “Cow, ugly, fat, whore, slut, pig…” he whispers and then trails off.
“A reminder of everything that I am to you,” I choke out through my sobs. “You said I was fat an-and ug-ugly and I-I wanted to lose the weight s-so y-y-you wouldn’t c-call me th-those names anymore.”
“No! Don’t say anything. This is exactly what you wanted, isn’t it? You wanted me to hate myself as much as everyone around here hates me, and by God, you succeeded! I fucking hate the girl I let everyone turn me into. I wish she was fucking dead already. But guess what? She’s too much of a pussy to take the extra pills or cut too deep to end her pathetic life. So I guess you were right, I am pathetic!” I cry harder, so much so that it hurts to breathe. “I hate her… I hate her so much!”
He gets to his feet unexpectedly and pulls me into him, crushing me against his chest as more sobs rack my body. Now that I’ve started, it feels like I can’t stop. So many weeks of trying to keep in the pain and hurt are tumbling out of me. He squeezes me tighter against him. I’m not sure how to feel at his display of emotion.
“Shhh, it’s going to be alright. I swear to fucking God, I’ll make it better, baby,” he says, his voice sounding hoarse.
“You can’t! Nothing is going to make it better!” I sob even harder. I just want to scream and let all the pain out. It’s fucking consuming. “I fucking hate you as much as I hate the girl you’ve turned me into!” I push him away from me because of the anger.
I try to put on my leggings but my body is shaking from the anger, and I can’t fucking do it. I let out a scream of frustration. I can’t function right now.
“Here, let me help,” he whispers in a quiet voice. I’ve never heard him this quiet or calm before, but I guess I’d shut the fuck up too if I had a walking skeleton standing in front of me. Bone-deep weariness is pulling me under again, so I let him help me. Once he’s done, I walk past him and head for the door.
I’m ready to get out of here, and I don’t have anything else to say to him. I’ve already bared my soul enough times in the last twenty-four hours to continue doing it, especially since I’m raw from it all. All I’m focusing on is getting home and staying in bed for the rest of the school year. I don’t want to go back to that horrible place anymore.
When we get to the entrance of the hospital, I stop for a second, wondering how the hell I’m going to get to his house since I don’t have my phone or even any money on me. His arm snakes around my waist before I can make another move.
“I’m taking you home,” he says and begins walking us in the direction of the parking lot. I try to pull away from him but his grip on me tightens. When we get to his car, I come to a complete stop and look at it with distaste. My heart cracks as I remember his words to me the last time I was in his car.
“I don’t want to go home in your car. I don’t want to stink it up with my smell!” I snap as my voice cracks and the emotions threaten to choke me.
“Fucking hell! I’m sorry I said that, baby. None of that shit was true. Now you either get in the car or I’ll put you in there myself,” he growls down at me.
“Still the fucking asshole I see. I despise you!” I bawl as I stand there in front of him.
“I know,” he says simply.
I rub my chest with my hand, trying to ease the ache away. It feels like my chest is on fire.
“We could’ve been friends or you could’ve just let me be, but you chose to destroy me instead. Was it worth it? All the things you’ve done to me, did it justify your hate for me?” I whisper out my question to him.
He doesn’t answer. He just stares at me, clenching his jaw. I know I won’t get an answer from him. I don’t care anymore because I’m extremely drained from baring my soul to him.
“Can we just go then? I’m tired,” I say, letting out a long breath and then walking around to the passenger side. He makes it there before I do and opens the door for me and puts me inside. He buckles me up and then goes around to the driver’s side. I don’t have the brain power to dissect his actions so I rest my head against the door and close my eyes. A moment later, I feel him grab my hand with his in a tight grip before he starts to drive.
I’m going back into the unknown because that’s what it is. I don’t know what to expect from him, and I’m almost scared to find out. I’m already at the very edge of the cliff I’ve been standing on and one little thing might just push me over…
“We could’ve beenfriends or you could’ve just let me be, but you chose to destroy me instead. Was it worth it? All the things you’ve done to me, did it justify your hate for me?” she whispers out her question to me but I don’t answer, because I can’t. There are so many things I want to say to her but can’t. I don’t want her to know the truth.
I can already tell that the truth might be the thing that finally pushes her over the edge and I don’t want that to happen. I want her and if she knows the truth, especially if she knew I’ve known all along, she’ll realize that I’m a much bigger asshole than she thought I was. Now that I’ve admitted to myself that I have feelings for her, I can’t lose her because of my own shit.
“Can we just go then? I’m tired,” she tells me, letting out a sigh before heading for the passenger side of my car. I make it there before she does and I open the door for her. I make sure she gets in before buckling her seatbelt for her.
I heard the exhaustion in her voice and it made that uneasy feeling run through my chest again. When I get into my side of the car, I see that she’s leaning against the car door with her eyes closed. I grab her hand in mine. I feel her stiffen but she doesn’t open her eyes. I don’t care though because I still keep her hand in mine as I put the car in drive to take us home.
I’m a mess of confusion right now. Everything I’ve known and everything I’ve done has kind of blown up in my face, all because I realized that the girl I hate now means something to me. I still need to figure all this shit out.