Page 115 of Hate Like Ours

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He said all that he had to last night, but my plans haven’t changed. I’m dying to get out of here and leave this town behind. But even that seems like it’ll be impossible if I don’t get my act together where school is concerned. I know I’m scrambling right now. I didn’t manage to get caught up with all of my coursework yet and that is scaring me a little.

I’m a nervous wreck when it comes to that but at the same time, I feel the weight of everything crushing me constantly. I don’t know how to balance everything now. When I try to get shit done, I feel empty inside. I have no motivation.

I feel like I’m definitely failing and if that happens, I don’t know what I’ll do.I’m already close to my breaking point…

I’ve only been awake for a few minutes and I can already feel a major headache coming on. I didn’t take any of the pills last night and I have a feeling that’s what’s messing me up right now. I’ve become so dependent on them. When I don’t have it, it feels like I’m having withdrawals.

A second later, I’m dashing out of his bed and out of his room and into mine, running straight for the toilet as a wave of nausea hits me out of nowhere. I retch into the toilet for a few minutes as tears stream down my face. I feel so… how do I even explain the feeling?

I don’t feel like myself, but also like my body is doing everything it can to work against me. I’m so out of depth with myself and my body that I hate the feeling. The anxiety, the sadness, the depression, and the self-hate are all at the forefront of my mind, constantly reminding me of how much I don’t belong here.

I feel a wet cloth being placed on my forehead and I turn my head to see Knox kneeling on the floor next to me.

“I need my pills. I don’t feel good,” I wail at him. I’m feeling too much at once and I don’t like how it makes me feel or react. I prefer to be high because when I am, I don’t have to deal with my feelings. I can just push them aside and concentrate on being in the clouds rather than worrying about why my life has turned into such a mess. He still won’t tell me why I had to suffer like this to begin with.

“No. I told you, you’re fucking done with that shit!” he says through clenched teeth, and I flinch at the intensity of his tone. I can tell he’s already pissed at me.

I’m so distraught at his words that I start to cry harder, right there on the bathroom floor. Is being an emotional mess a side effect of not taking the pills anymore? Because if it is, I have that down to a T.

“But… but—”

“No buts, baby. You’re not taking any more drugs with me around and I’ll be seeing to that,” he grumbles.

“I need them to function! In case you didn’t know, you’re the fucking reason for all my bad habits!” I snap at him.

“Which is why I’ll be the one to make sure you break those habits,” he tells me in a serious tone. Who the hell is this asshole in front of me? I’ve never seen him like this and I have no clue what to do with that.

“I-I don’t feel good. I feel weird in my own body. I have the urge to itch my entire body… What’s wrong with me?” I cry against his chest.

“Shhh, nothing is wrong with you. It’s all inside your head. Now come on and let’s get you cleaned up. I’ll make you breakfast after,” he tells me.

“I’m not hungry.” I sniffle with my face still against his chest.I hope nothing but snot from my tears covers his shirt!

“I didn’t ask. I said I was making you breakfast,”

“But I don’t want it.”

“I don’t care. You’re going to bring your ass to the kitchen and eat every single bit of it. Otherwise, I’m going to force feed it to you because I’m not playing,” he grumbles at me.

“You’re such an asshole. I’d like to go back to when you hated me,” I mutter at him.

“Well too bad, not happening. I know you hate me right now and I don’t blame you. But guess what, baby? I’m going to make you fall in love with me,” he tells me in what sounds like vulnerability in his tone.

Ha! If he only knew how much I felt for him when I first laid eyes on him, but then he had to go and tarnish it all with his hatred of me.

I want to believe him but due to past actions, I don’t. He might think he wants me to like him or that he even feels the same for now, but what happens when he gets mad and hates me again? We’ll be back to square one—him being the bully and me being the target.

“Don’t get your hopes up. If I can’t love myself anymore, you think I’d be able to love you?” I question.

“We’ll see,” he says.

I guess we will.

He stands up and helps me up before handing me my toothbrush. I take it and start to brush my teeth as he starts the shower and steers me inside when I’m done. He follows behind me.

My mouth goes dry at the sight of him completely naked in front of me, and when I realize that I’m naked as well, I spin around so that I’m facing the wall. I don’t want him to see my body again. That was an embarrassing situation that I don’t want to repeat again. But he’s not having any of that. He steps up behind me and his hand snakes around my stomach as he caresses the skin there, causing me to inhale sharply.

“Don’t hide from me,” he whispers in my ear.