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“He’s lying, guys! I’ve seen him around school and he follows her like a lost puppy. Poor girl can’t even have friends because he’s always going after her. Then he turns into an idiot when he thinks she’s with someone else,” I tell them. I’m not watching them, I’m watching him and boy is he pissed, but I just smirk at him. Take that, asshole!
“Trust me, I don’t have any feelings for her. All I want is to fuck her because she already knows that she’s nothing but my whore,” he seethes.
“Knock it off, Knox! That is no way to speak at the dinner table,” Jonathan tells him in an authoritative tone.
Neither of us listen because I continue, “Liar, liar. But it’s fine, I’ll just let you continue lying to yourself. If I didn’t see your obsessive behavior myself, then I’d be inclined to believe what you’re saying,” I snap at him. He’s about to respond when Jonathan cuts in again.
“Behave you two! Knox, I expect you to treat whoever you’re seeing with respect,” Jonathan snaps at his son.
“You mean like you respected Mom when she was alive? Should I take cues from you, Father? Because trust me, you weren’t anything of a role model,” Knox spits at his dad with venom in his voice.
“We’ll discuss this later. Now let’s get back to dinner!” Jonathan says through clenched teeth.
Knox shrugs and goes about eating his food, but I can tell he’s still pissed. I take a mini bite of the steak and feel my stomach roil at the thought of eating more. It tastes like lead going down my throat.
I move the food around my plate with my head down as my mother and Jonathan continue like we didn’t just have an awkward moment at the table. Like Knox and I weren’t trading words with each other.
Though now I’m a bit curious about what is going on between Knox and his dad. They clearly don’t have a close relationship like my mom and I. I can feel the animosity between them. It’s strange, that’s for sure.
“Why aren’t you eating?” Knox asks suddenly and my head snaps up at him. Fucking hell. The asshole couldn’t just keep his mouth shut? I know he didn’t ask that with any kind of concern or kindness in his heart.
“Raine? Are you not eating again?” Mom questions and I suddenly feel all eyes on me.
“What? I am eating. Mom, I’m fine. I’m not going through that phase anymore,” I tell her, giving her an eye roll to get her off my scent. “I’ve been eating this whole time.” I shovel a big bite into my mouth and start chewing to show her I’m eating. I’m guessing she doesn’t buy my act though.
“Should I take you to the doctor again?” she questions, her voice filled with concern.
I guess eating disorders aren’t anything new to me. The first time it happened was after my surgery and then again when my parents started fighting a lot. Who the hell would even think about food when their parents were always down each other’s throat?
“No. I’m fine, Mom. Knox is just being silly,” I say as I glare at him. I make a big show of eating my food until it’s all gone because my mom keeps glancing over at me. She thinks I don’t notice her, but I do.
When we’re done with dinner, I tell Mom and Jonathan goodnight before hurrying back up to my room. All the food I just ate is turning in my stomach and the urge to throw everything back up is overwhelming.
I know if I don’t get to my room soon then it’ll happen right where I am. Once I make it there, I throw the door open and rush into my bathroom. I kneel on the floor in front of the toilet just in time as everything I ate a few minutes ago comes right back up.
I keep vomiting until I’m dry heaving and my stomach starts to cramp. When I’m done and don’t feel the urge to throw up anymore, I sit back down on the floor in front of the toilet. Tears begin to spill down my cheeks.
I don’t want this for myself. I don’t want to keep doing this but I’m falling down the rabbit hole of self-loathing more and more each day. I’m not sure how to get myself out of it.
“So, the rumors of you being bulimic are true?” Knox’s voice comes from the bathroom doorway and my head snaps in his direction. I try to wipe away the tears then stop because it’s no use. I know he already saw them.
“Just leave me alone, please!” I snap at him as I slump back against the wall, suddenly feeling exhausted.
“You really are pathetic,” he sneers as he looks at me with disgust and contempt.
I don’t have the energy to care but I still manage to answer him. “And yet here you are again, seeking me out,” I mumble.
“Just wanted to see if the rumors were true,”
“Well, I guess now you know. You can go spread the news to everyone,” I say tiredly.
“Obviously that’s what I’m going to do. I fucking love humiliating your fat ass,” he gripes.
“What else is new?” I question. “Now if you could just leave, I’d like to take a shower,” I say, feeling all the hopelessness I’m feeling transfer into my words.
I have no doubt that he’ll spread the word and that will cause more bullying for me. I’m almost scared to go to school and that’s saying something. He hesitates for a second, but then he walks away and I let out a sigh. At least we didn’t come to physical blows or rip into each other like we usually do. That has to be some kind of win, right?
I shower again to get the smell of vomit off me. After I’m done and in my room again, I move to sit on the floor by the side of my bed. I grab my drawing stuff from under the bed, open the notepad and start drawing.
