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I slide down the shower wall until my butt is on the cold tile. The tears begin to fall when memories of the first time I saw him comes to mind. How could one person make you regret ever being born, but also make you feel things you never have before? Is life supposed to be like this? Is love supposed to hurt like this?
I think I fell in love with him the first time I saw him. I never believed in love at first sight, but when my eyes landed on him, I became a firm believer in that notion.
I guess I couldn’t keep my eyes off the devil…
It was at his mother’s funeral and, in my mind, I knew it was inappropriate to feel such things at a time like that. I couldn’t help but be drawn to the boy who looked so broken and lost.
I didn’t know him since it was like my first or second day in Riverside but just watching him, I felt his pain as though it was my own. All I wanted to do was make it better for him, take his pain away so he wouldn’t hurt anymore.
I guess I did get my wish though, didn’t I? Because he hurt me so that he’d hurt less, but did it really work for him? Look at us now, just a complete and utter mess.
And boy did it fucking hurt!
I want to hate him for everything he’s done but it all comes back to me loving him before anything else happened. That’s why I’m stuck in this never-ending cycle of self-hate and confusion.
I want to let go of him, but I just can’t…
I sob until I can’t contain the pain anymore. I need an outlet. Without thinking, I get out of the shower and grab a razor from its hiding place before getting back in. I start to make cuts on my upper thighs so that no one can see them. I need to do this. I need to cut because it’s the only thing that seems to make me feel something besides chaos and lost.
I watch as the red lines appear one by one through my sobs. It hurts but it also feels cathartic to let some of the pain out of my body. I sit there and keep cutting until the water turns cold and I watch the red go down the drain.
Why can’t I stop this?
Do I even want to?
No.
Not when it helps me to get rid of some of my demons. That’s all that really matters, isn’t it?
There’s a knock on the bathroom door and I quiet my sobs for a moment.
“Baby? Are you okay in there?” Knox asks. I hear the door handle jiggle like he’s trying to open the door.
I hate it when he calls me baby. It sounds nice coming from his lips and makes butterflies swarm inside me but it pulls me into the delusion that he cares about me. It makes me feel things I shouldn’t.I also love it when he calls me baby…
“I’m fine. I’ll be out in a moment,” I yell back at him.
“Don’t take too long because I have no problem breaking down the door,” he says, and I roll my eyes.
What the fuck ever happened to privacy? I quickly wash myself and then dry my skin before heading out and into my room. I know if I take too long the asshole really would break the door down.
I get changed into a comfy pair of leggings and a sweater. I’m not going anywhere today so I don’t need to dress up.
I am dreading having to go back to school tomorrow. Will I recognize the people who assaulted me? Will they even be there? Just thinking about tomorrow has my anxiety racing through me.
With a sigh, I make my way downstairs and head for the kitchen—my least favorite place in this house. I stop short at the entrance when I spot Knox by the stove. He’s wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and he’s shirtless. The sight of his shirtless back has my mouth dry with the utter perfection that he is.
He’s definitely Greek god personified and I hate him just a little for it. Why does he get to be so beautiful when he causes nothing but carnage?
He must feel my stare on him because he turns around to look at me. He gives me a smile that I don’t return. I’m still sorting through the mess that was just at the forefront of my mind.
“Hey. Take a seat. Breakfast will be ready soon,” he says before turning back to the stove.
“Gee, what did I do to get the royal treatment from the oh-so-great Knox Riverside?” I quip sarcastically.
“I know what you’re trying to do and it won’t work. You’re not well so I’m not going to entertain you goading me into a fight,” he says with a sigh.
I don’t respond because I know he’s right. After my meltdown in the shower, I’m just looking for a fight. A few moments later, he brings my food to me. Just as I’m about to protest he stops me.
