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Life has been so hard lately. There’s so much going on inside my head. It’s so loud in there and all the thoughts are chaos. I wish that I could stop them but again, I don’t know how.
Since that night, it feels like I’ve been stuck in this never-ending fog that I can’t claw my way out of. When I do try, the monsters drag me down back into the depths of the chaos inside my head. There’s no escaping it. I feel like I’m slowly going insane, especially since I don’t have my favorite vices to help me out anymore.
It’s all because the asshole Knox wants to “help me.” He made us stay home for the entire week to give me some time to get my head on right. He thinks I’ve become mentally unstable. Though he hasn’t outright said it, his actions are telling.If only he knew…
I’m not going to tell him he’s right though, since I think that I am. That’s mainly because Bailee’s suggestion about murdering him has been at the forefront of my mind a lot this past week.
He hasn’t left me alone, like at all. If he does, it’s for like a minute or two and no more than that. Having him next to me all day and night has really been grating on my nerves.
I absolutely don’t want to be in his company this much. I just want to stay in my room alone and cry, feel sorry for myself, and self-destruct in my own way without him there, thank you very much. But the asshole can’t take a hint.
I’ve resorted to ignoring him for the most part and giving him the silent treatment. He’s let me know exactly what he thinks of my childish behavior, his words not mine. I just… I’m just still so mad at him, at the world, at my mom, but most of all at myself. It’s just a never-ending cycle of hatred and I hate it.
Every day, it’s like we keep going over the same routine, and it’s beyond annoying. It starts with him making sure I’m showered and dressed every morning, then he makes breakfast for us—shirtless of course, which I hate—then he makes us do things together which is also annoying. He makes sure to clean my cuts that are now healing and he makes sure I’m not doing anything crazy, which just makes me want to do something crazy.Fucked in the head? Yeah, I know.
He’s showing me a different side of him and I loathe him for it. I don’t want to see a nicer and caring side to him. I want to continue seeing him as the monster I’ve always seen him as.See… sooo much hate.
We’ve watched movies, cuddled, swam together. He even took me out to dinner one night then to the beach to see the sunset and some other shit I don’t want to think about. Every time he holds me, he kisses my forehead and tells me how sorry he is for hurting me. I’m still so fucking confused.
I still remember him apologizing in front of everyone in the cafeteria. I want to forgive him but something is holding me back.Maybe it’s just to be petty after all that he’s done, who knows?
This morning was more of the same. He took care of me all the while I was still giving him the silent treatment. Now we’re in his car and he’s driving us to school. I honestly wish I didn’t have to go anymore, since I know those two fuckwits will be there. He insisted we needed to go to school today to get some normalcy back into our lives.
I wish I could tell him that my life will never be the same again no matter what he tries to do.
“You know you can’t give me the silent treatment forever, right?” he questions, squeezing my thigh with the hand he has resting there as he drives.
I grab his hand to move it, but he just holds onto mine and brings it up to his lips. He kisses my knuckles before placing it back on my thigh.
“Come on, baby, even you have to admit that you know I’ve been trying here. I’ve literally been doing my best to make it up to you,” he tells me.
“That would be the point dickhead. I don’t want anyone like you. I want someone who’s not a complete psycho! If you weren’t a psycho, then you wouldn’t be needing forgiveness right now!” I snap at him. He’s already testing my patience. I don’t know but lately I’ve just been cranky. Crankier than normal and I’m not sure what to make of it.
“Please.” He scoffs. “That would bore you and you know it. You like my brand of crazy because it gets your pussy leaking for me in no time,” he says, smirking at me. I roll my eyes at him while discretely pressing my thighs together.
“No. I’m just confused. You always force yourself on me so how the hell can I choose when I don’t get a say?” I huff out.
“You’re not confused because you know exactly what you want and you know that I’m the only one who can give it to you. Plus, you love it when I force you because even then I give you exactly what you crave.”
“And what is it that I crave, oh expert of all things me?” I question sarcastically.
“You want me to take what I want so when you’re lost inside that pretty little head of yours, you can tell yourself that it was forced. You don’t have to take accountability of the fact that you want what I give you as much as I want to give it to you. You want me to remain the bad guy and, baby, if that’s what you want, then that’s what I’ll keep giving to you. That’s how much I fucking love you. I love you enough for the both of us. I’ll love you through all the hate you have festered up inside you and I’ll love you when you come to your senses. Either way, I’ll fucking love you for the rest of your life. I won’t let anything get in the way of that, not even you,” he says with a sort of finality in his voice that lets me know he’s serious. I’m left stunned.
Is that what I’ve been doing? Have his actions as of late proven that he’s changed and I should give him a chance? But I don’t because I’m in my own way? Am I self-sabotaging myself? Grrr… I don’t want to think of any of this.
I’m so lost in my head, wondering if he’s right, that I don’t even realize that we’ve reached school and he’s already parked until he opens my door and pulls me out. I’m standing in the open door and he’s in front of me, blocking my way out and from moving.
He looks down at me and I look up at him before he pulls me in close so that our fronts are touching. He rests his forehead against mine.
“It’s okay, baby. I don’t blame you one fucking bit. Take all the time in the world if that’s what you need. Just know that I know what you’re doing and why. I get it. You have to protect yourself after all the shit I pulled, but you don’t have to do it alone anymore. I’m here to protect you too, and sooner or later, you’re going to have to let all this hate go if you want to move on and find peace. You’re not alone anymore. All I want is to make you happy,” he says before lifting his head to place a kiss on my forehead.
When he pulls away, I’m left mute and just stare up at him, not saying a word. He always seems to have that effect on me whenever he shows any sort of affection toward me. I’m always left struck dumb.
When I finally manage to look away from him, I see everyone in the parking lot staring at us again. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that, being stared at and judged.
Axel and Asher both show up a moment later and Knox throws his arm around me as we head into school, ignoring everyone except for his friends. I try to do the same but it’s impossible. I feel their stares like fire on my skin and I detest it all.
We stop at my locker so that I can get one of my books. When I turn back around, I see Trent and Ivy standing a few feet away, giving me what I can only constitute as a death glare.
