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“Your application was denied,” she says, breaking the news to me. I feel like my whole world is crumbling around me. I start to sweat, feeling as though the walls are closing in on me.
“Ho-how do you know? Isn’t it too early to know? I still have time to pull my grades up, don’t I?”
“Our school as well as a few others in the country get early acceptance letters. You failed to submit some papers to Mr. Smith’s class. They still look at your grades and performance even though you sent an application in with perfect grades. Since you’ve started here, your grades have been steadily worsening,” she says with sympathy in her voice.
“Can I leave now?” I ask, feeling the numbness take me over.
“You have options, Miss Carrington. You can repeat the year and get your grades up by next year, or you can do summer school and then attend Riverside University here. It’s one of the best universities in the country as well,” she says. I just nod my head distractedly. “You can go now,” she finally says when she sees that I won’t respond anymore.
I slowly get up off the chair and make my way out of her office. I rush into the bathroom and throw up in one of the stalls.
My life is over…
There is no getting out of here…
Sobs rack my body as I sit on the floor in the stall and contemplate killing myself right now. I thought I could fix my grades but too much has happened and now I’m just fucking lost.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t move away from this town because I have no money. College away from here was the one sure-fire way that I could see and now even that has been taken away from me.
With shaking fingers, I quickly open my bags and start digging around inside to get the Percocet that I have hidden in there. I take all five. I quickly wipe my face and rush out of the bathroom.
I order an Uber from my phone as I rush out the front doors of the school. I need to make my escape quickly because I have no doubt that Knox will come looking soon. I feel the cloudy sensation forming at the edge of my mind and I know that soon I’ll be high enough that I won’t have to think about anything or anyone. At least not for a while.
When the Uber gets here, I throw my phone into the trash and then hop in. Somehow, I know that Knox probably has a tracking app somewhere on there because he’s obsessive like that.
I get the Uber driver to drop me off at the liquor store that’s not far from the bridge. Right now, my emotions are all over the place. I just want to get high and drunk. I grab a bottle of vodka.
Once I’m done, I make my way to the bridge and walk until I’m in the middle of it again. I won’t deny that this is my favorite place here. I take a seat in the middle of the tracks and take my sketch book out along with my razors.
It’s a good thing the dickhead never checked my bags or he would’ve found all my shit. I swear I’m fucking losing it right now with all this pain inside me, and I just took another blow.
I don’t know how many more of those I can take before I finally end it all. That’s what I’m craving to do right now. I’m so fucking tired of being on this earth and having nothing but heartache follow me around.
I must be the world’s unluckiest girl to keep having all this bad shit happen. I crack open the seal on the vodka and take a swig straight from the bottle. I slice my wrist again and again with gut-wrenching tears escaping me.
The last of the marks were beginning to heal but not anymore. I’m making a mess of myself right now.
When I need a break from cutting, I grab the stupid sketchbook that I can’t seem to stop sketching in. This one is filled with memories of that night. I know this isn’t healthy, but I can’t seem to stop myself.
I draw another one, but this one is different from the rest. This one actually has a face on it. Looking down at the finished drawing, I cry even harder, before stuffing it back into my bag.
I don’t want to be like this anymore.
I don’t want to constantly have to live with the pain inside my chest.
I just want to be free of it all…
With that last thought in my head, my mind and body numb from the alcohol, and Percocet, the blood dripping down my arm… I stand and move toward the edge of the rail on the bridge. I stand on the flat surface and look down into the running water and wonder what it would feel like to jump.
Would it be exhilarating? Would I finally be at peace? Or will I end up in hell like they always tell you will happen if you take your own life?
Definitely Déjà vu, I think as I finally decide to jump and fucking end it all. I can’t take being in this world anymore. Not with all the hurt and pain constantly tearing me apart from the inside out.
All the numbness, the chaos inside my head, the darkness that keeps pulling me under… I want it all to stop and it will. I’m finally ending it all so there won’t be any pain anymore…
Just as I put one foot forward to go over, I’m being yanked backed as strong arms wrap around me and we go crashing onto the ground. I let out a frustrated scream and I start to wiggle to get out of the person’s arms. When the person lets go of me, I spin around to face them and am not fucking surprised.
“Of course, it’s fucking you!” I scream at him. Rage, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before, consumes me and I lunge at him. Knox is not expecting that so he falls backward. Wasting no time, I straddle his hips and start raining down punches on him.
