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He’s an asshole. One who I never should have gotten involved with. But then again, the asshole never gave me a choice in the matter and now I’ve gone and fallen for him. When the hell did I become such a train wreck?
All I can say right now is well played. He played me so well that I’m literally in a mind fuck right now. Even more points added for him because he did it so well, I ended up loving all the fucked-up shit he did to me.
I’m pretty sure this is the other fucking shoe I was waiting to drop. Now that it has, I can honestly say it’s something that I never imagined could happen. Somewhere deep down inside, I knew that after all the shit life has put me through, being happy wouldn’t come so easily for me. I was right. I just wish this other shoe didn’t come with me seeing how fucked up everyone around me was.
I wonder if my dad—well clearly not my dad since Jonathan Riverside is my real father—knew any of this.
I want to know how the hell Jonathan could look at me and be around me every day and not tell me that I was his daughter. Maybe he didn’t know about the DNA test. I’m sure it was his wife who had that done, but he had to have known that he is my father, right? Fucking hell, I feel sick to my stomach again with all the lies and secrets I’ve uncovered.
I feel the familiar emotions bubbling up inside me, the ones that come when I’m just about ready to spiral down the rabbit hole again. It’s coming hard and fast, I just know that however it ends, it won’t end well.
I’ve had and suffered with mental issues prior to moving here but I’ve never spiraled this much or this hard before. When I get like this, nothing helps and I’d do anything to keep the nightmares at bay. Even death doesn’t scare me at this point.But the thought I just had does because it shows me that I no longer care and that’s not a good place to be.
My emotions are getting too overpowering. Not wanting to be here any longer, I spring up to my feet and quickly change into a dress fit for going to the club. It’s a long, thin black strap number with slits all the way up my thighs. I also add a blazer over the dress to hide my arms.
I don’t care much about my appearance so I just put on some red lipstick and some heels. I grab a purse as well as some money before heading down the stairs. I know it’s probably Jonathan’s money my mom has been giving me to use, but right now, I don’t care where it came from. I just need it to get high since I’m craving it like never before.
I need to get rid of all these fucking emotions I’m feeling. It’s like I’m drowning in quicksand, with no one there to help me get out of it. I’m back in self-destructive mode and I don’t even give a fuck.
I want to die.
Living is too painful. I’ve had so much fucked-up shit thrown at me that I can’t fight it any longer. I’m tired of fighting my way through the pain.
You can’t hurt anymore if you’re dead, right?
I march into the kitchen and head over to the wall where the keys to all the cars are and grab a random one. If I’m going to fuck shit up tonight, then I might as well do it in one of their expensive cars.
When I get to the garage, I hit the key fob and hear the beep to one of the cars. When I get closer, I see that it’s the Porsche. Sweet.
I get in and start the car before opening the garage and speeding out of there. I looked up the club on my computer earlier so I know where to go. There’s one in Fairview and it looked pretty cool. I don’t want to go to any clubs in Riverside.
I turn on the music and roll the windows down as I push the engine. The speed is exhilarating. Even though I know this isn’t a good idea, I don’t care. I’m careless, reckless even, and I’m loving every moment of it.
When I get to the club, I park and then head inside. I show my fake ID to the bouncers and they let me in. Getting this fake when I still lived in New York was definitely worth it. I head straight for the bar and order five shots right away. When I get the shots, I throw them back one after the other until they’re all gone.
I feel the burn of the alcohol as it goes down my throat and then the feel of warmth in my tummy as it settles. I know I shouldn’t be this reckless by coming to a club and drinking so much alone, but I guess when you have no fucks to give anymore, nothing else really matters.
I down two more before deciding to go onto the dance floor. I’m tipsy and starting to feel restless just sitting here. I need to do something with my body before I go crazy, and dancing is about the only option right now.
As soon as I hit the dance floor, I put everything inside my head aside and just let the music take over my senses. I close my eyes and move to the beat. The air is hot and heavy with the scent of alcohol mixed with sweat. I can see the colorful light moving through my closed lids but I still don’t open them, at least not for a while.
I keep dancing and having fun by myself until I feel someone come up behind me. I open my eyes to see a cute guy there. A moment later, he starts to move along with me. I shrug and continue dancing, figuring what the hell. I might as well make this a night to remember.
“Do you want to have some fun?” the cute guy asks after a while.
“What did you have in mind?” I ask curiously.
“You look like you need some cheering up,” he says.
“Hmm. Am I that obvious?” I question, going along with it.
“No. But I know when someone wants to have some fun. I have blow if you want some,” he says with a smile.Well, if this isn’t my lucky night.
“Sure.Why the hell not?” I shrug.
“Follow me then, pretty girl,” he says as he starts to move off the dance floor.
I follow him and he goes all the way to the back of the club where there aren’t too many people.
