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Without thinking, I drop to my knees by the side of her bed and pray. I’ve never been into religion before but right now I pray like I never have before. I pray and beg for her to wake up, I pray for her to let me help her through this. I know when she finds out, she’ll go with her most obvious emotion, which is to hate me again. I don’t want that. I don’t want her to hate me, never again. I don’t like it one bit.
I stay there for another few minutes. When I’m about to get up, I feel something crinkle under my knee. I look down to see a paper there and I pull it out to see it’s a drawing.
It’s one of her with a fat version of her and all the names I’ve called her before written around her head. I gulp down the lump that’s suddenly in my throat. I know this is because of me.
I bend down and look under her bed to see a lot more paper under there and I begin to pull them all out. As I see them one by one, my heart begins to hurt and tears spring to my eyes once again.
There are so many drawings of her and they all look distorted and ugly, like that’s the way she sees herself. I fucking hate it. Then I get to the ones with me and more pain shoots through me.
I hate that she sees me like this. There are some of me but overshadowing them is me looking like a monster. And yeah, I guess I was her monster for a long time but not anymore. I vow to erase that from her mind. There are a few that look normal and it’s breathtaking but I can’t appreciate them because I’m still hung up on the monster ones. There’s no doubt that my baby is talented as fuck.
The last set I come across has me confused for a moment until I understand the picture and nothing but rage consumes me. Somebody is going to fucking die! It took me a second to process the fact that it was a drawing of someone being raped, but when I’m holding the final piece of paper in my hand, it all comes together.
The first few drawings of this scene had two people wearing masks but the very last one has their faces. I guess she must have figured it out on her own. Trent and Ivy, there’s no mistaking their faces. No wonder she was having fucking nightmares and was agitated the few days we went to school.
I’m sick to my stomach that they hurt my fucking girl and I didn’t know. She’s so fucking stubborn and kept it all to herself. I wish she’d have told me because I would have dealt with their asses sooner.
But no worries, their time is coming soon. Right after I go see to my girl. I push the papers back under her bed for now. I’ll destroy them later when I have the chance. She needs to get better. Then I’m going to deal with those two dumb twits.
I get to my feet and rush back to the hospital. I need to have my eyes on her. When I get to her door, I hear her voice and I instantly feel relieved that she’s woken up. That relief is short-lived when I realize that she’s actually yelling and there’s so much pain in her voice.
Then I hear exactly what she’s saying and my world stops and tilts for a moment. Fuck! No. She wasn’t supposed to know about any of the things she’s screaming about.
No. No. No.
I wanted to keep her as far away from this as possible because I didn’t want it to hurt her. Fucking hell I know this is going to end bad as I begin to step into her room. Her eyes find mine and the devastation and pain I see in them has me ready to crumble.
There’s anger, sadness, but most of all, pain and betrayal in her beautiful eyes. I wish I could take all this pain away from her. Fuck, I wish I could do so many things differently but I can’t go back in time to change anything. I’ll have to deal with it and hope that I don’t lose her in the end.
“Baby….” I croak out as I stumble over to her.
Twenty-Six
RAINE
I wakeup to the incessant sounds of a machine beeping. The sound is one I know all too well at this point, since I can’t seem to stay out of hospitals.
When I finally manage to open my eyes, the brightness of the room blinds me for a moment and I let out a groan at the intensity of the instant headache that forms. I shake my head a little to help dispel the fogginess that still lingers. I have no idea how long I’ve been passed out for. When my eyes have finally adjusted to the light in the room, I look around at the white walls that surround me and instantly hate that I’m here once again.
The room is empty and I’m thankful for that. It means I’ll have a little time alone to myself. I turn a little onto my side and let out a groan at the intensity of the pain that shoots across my entire body.
I remember everything that led me to being in this predicament. Finding out about Knox being my half-brother, being reckless by going to a club, doing drugs, and then getting into a car and speeding without looking at the road properly, and then finally the accident.
If I’m being honest, I was hoping I would have died instead of waking up in another one of these rooms, but obviously that didn’t happen. Now I’m kind of pissed at myself. I’m tired of going through all this shit, I really am.
I feel like the universe is playing one big joke on me. No matter how many times I try to kill myself, I always end up waking up again.Do I have to jump off a fucking building or something for it to be permanent?
I hate it when I wake up in the hospital, especially lately. It’s a reminder that I failed to do what I set out to.I guess I really am a loser like everyone’s called me.
The weather outside is a little gloomy, just like I’m feeling. My mental state is definitely in the gutter right now and I don’t know how I’m supposed to get out of it this time. Then again, maybe I don’t want to. Maybe I want to let it run its course and see where I end up at the end of it all.
I’m tired of fighting with my mind every single day and just want to end it all. I don’t even have a support system to help me through any of this. They’re all liars, and I’m filled with nothing but anger and hate. It’s so hot and heavy that it’s the only thing consuming me.
I fucking hate them all!
I don’t know how long I lie there by myself, with my anger in check before I hear some noise coming from the doorway. I turn around to see my mother and Jonathan stepping into my room. I instantly begin to get choked up and feel the tears sting my eyes as I look at them both.
The pain and betrayal of what they did to me my entire life is at the forefront of my mind as I continue to stare at them. My mom is the first one to notice that I’m awake.
