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The only thing that would feel even better…is to keep pretending a while longer. So that's what I do as he brings me breakfast in bed. I smile and play along like all of this is fine. I can't bother acting like I don't want any of this. I'm far too tired to keep up that charade today. I'm also too tired for old grudges and heartaches. All I want right now is to pretend like all the bad things never happened, and like I still trust him the way I used to.
"How are your eggs?" he asks.
"Salty," I laugh, taking a sip of water.
"See. Told you. Not a good cook."
"You didn't have to tell me. I remember all too well. And I have the proof right here on my plate," I tease.
"Just be glad you didn't have that soup last night."
"I thought you said you had perfected the recipe!"
"Yeah…that sounds reassuring, huh? I'd like to think that's true, but in reality…it'd probably give you the same look on your face as those eggs just did."
"I didn't make a face," I snicker, scrunching my nose.
"Yes, you did," he says in a deep, charming tone. "And it was adorable."
He sweeps his hand around the back of my head and leans in to kiss me softly. I missed this so bad it hurts. I missed us just being together like this.
But I know things can't go back to how they were before. That was ten years ago. I'm not some free-spirited college student anymore.
As much as I'd love to hide away in the clouds with him all day, I know I have to come back down to earth.
"I really need to get home," I force myself to say. "Sam is always so great about staying overnight or whenever else I need her, but I don't like to take advantage. Besides, I worry about Addy when I'm away for too long. She's not so bad about it anymore, but when she was little, she'd start to go to pieces any time I was late coming home. She thought…," my voice cracks. "She thought I would never come home…like her mom went to sleep one night and didn't wake up again. She's…she's always waiting for the next worst thing to happen. And even though she doesn't show it now, I think she still feels it. She just keeps it buried down so we don't worry about her so much."
I look up, realizing how much I just said. "God, I'm sorry. I don't know why I just laid all of that on you."
"No, no. Don't be sorry. Please. I get it," he assures me, wrapping his hands around mine. "I remember what that feels like. To go through one of the worst things in the world so young. You never stop waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. It's like you're so certain it's waiting for you around every corner."
"Yeah," I whisper. "I guess I have a different approach. I don't let myself think about any of that, and I try not to let myself feel anything all the way. Except with my work. That's my outlet."
"What happens if you feel things all the way outside of work?"
"You get hurt," I reply. "You lose."
I shoot up out of bed before he can respond and walk quickly to the bathroom to start getting ready. I wash my face, then brush my teeth. That's when Ashford comes in behind me, standing over my shoulder and talking to my reflection in the mirror.
"What do you and Addy have planned for the day?" he asks.
"I don't know," I mumble with my mouth full of toothpaste. "Why?"
"I was thinking…maybe I could hang out for a while. We could hit the town. Maybe go to the amusement park?"
I look at him in surprise. "You want to go to an amusement park with us?"
"My dad used to take me all the time when I was little," he shrugs. "He thought it helped to take my mind off of everything with my mom."
I'm afraid to speak or move. He almost never mentions his mom. Outside of the time he broke down and told me about how she died from brain cancer when he was a little boy, he's only ever mentioned her in passing once or twice.
"And I think it did help," he adds. "Maybe it'd help Addy too."
I want to say no. It's a horrible idea. But sometimes I get nervous going to places like that alone with Addy. I'm always scared we'll run out of things to talk about and I'll just start blurting out all of my biggest fears - like that she hates me, or that she will hate me one day, or that I won't cure cancer, or that one day I will…and we'll have to be reminded that it won't do anything to bring Maria back.
Sam has already stayed with Addy all night and all morning. I can't ask her to give up her whole Saturday to go to the amusement park with us. But man does it ever sound good. To see Addy's face light up on the roller coasters, to pig out on fried foods, and to spend way too much money on rigged carnival games.
So, yes…I should say no for a lot of reasons. But when I imagine that kind of day unfolding for us, I feel like it's exactly what I need. What we both need. Maybe Ashford needs it too.
