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“You’re right. Doesn’t change the fact I’m so jealous I can practically taste it, princess.” The way she’d looked at me in my parents’garden—the hopeful openness of her features slamming shut—cut at me now, like barbed vines creeping across my chest. I wasn’t thinking as the words had flown from my mouth, only wanting it to be over. For her to stop looking at me like I was worth something. As soon as she’d fled, I wanted to stuff the words back down my throat.
She was silent for so long I thought she’d fallen back to sleep.“You’re confusing,” she said wearily.
I laughed. A single, sharp burst of air.“Welcome to my brain.”
The car had barely come to a stop when she unbuckledand slipped from the vehicle. Her steps were more sure-footed now, but I still raced to meet her, ready to catch her if she stumbled on the uneven gravel as she skirted the outside of the manor. She bypassed the kitchen door and I knew at once where she was headed.“You should probably get inside, it’s not safe out here in the dark.”
She ignored me and clambered up the slight hill to the bank. Her feet slid on the dewy grass and I pulled her to a stop before she could get any closer to the steep drop. You couldn’t see the water below, but it made its presence known, crashing against the rock face in a comforting hush. She must have decided this spot was as good as any because she sank to the ground, lying straight on her back, hair and skirt pooling around her in the mossy earth, just as it had in my parents’garden before I ruined everything.
Head tipped back, she shielded her eyes as though staring into bright sunlight.“This was our spot, do you remember?” Of course I did.“I used to come out here every day hoping to see you. It was the best part of my day.” Her confession shocked me enough that I lowered to my knees beside her. That was not at all how I remembered it. I recalled my panic every time I tried to speak to her. My worry that perhaps she pitied me, saw me as nothing more than Heather’s friendless big brother.
“It’s so pretty here,” she said, the wonder in her voice leaking out into the silence. I laid back to take in the view as she did, tucking my hands behind my head. The stars hung so low they made up a glistening blanket, woven with a hundred points of light and hues of midnight blue, streaked with flecks of the deepest purple. You could see the northern lights from here on occasion, but we were well past the season for it.“I’d forgotten what it’s like to be able to see the stars so clearly. I think I eventually stopped looking up at all.” She sounded so desolate, my heart cracked right down the middle.
Before I could reply, she rubbed at her bare arms, brushing away the sudden chill blowing up from the water. I fumbled with my jumper, stripping down until I wore only a white T-shirt. I didn’t dare touch her, so I draped it over her upper body, memorising how she looked cocooned beneath my clothes. She was more beautiful than every star in the sky.
Click.
“We should put a bench out here,” she said.“Elsie used to love watching the stars, she’d lay out here for hours, pointing out constellations or making up names for ones she didn’t know. Kier promised every summer he’d build one for her.”
I ached to reach for her.“If you want a bench, you can have a bench, princess.” Her head flopped to the side and we stared at each other. What was it about her face, the curve of her lower lip, that had me borderline obsessed? Did other people not have lips? I couldn’t remember.
It wasn’t until I saw the solitary tear track across her temple that I realised she was crying, the second time she’d cried before me, and I knew this time I was partially to blame. I closed the gap, brushing it away with my thumb.“What’s wrong? Is it that guy from the pub? Did he—” She shook her head, still crying.“Stop crying,” I demanded, voice harsher now like it might shock her tear ducts dry.“Please stop—”
“I had a nose job when I was twenty,” she whispered quietly, like a shameful confession, and I was stunned into silence. Of all the things in the world, I didn’t expect her to say that.“I was twenty and my manager convinced me it was necessary if I wanted to be considered for leading roles.” She raised a shaking hand to run a finger down the length of her slim nose, between her brows all the way to the fine elfin point.“What I hate the most is that he was right. Talent means nothing if you don’t look therightway.”
My hatred was like a hydra, growing multiple heads. One for me, one for him, one for Steve, and one for anyone else who had ever left that stain of shame in her eyes. I cupped her cheek until we faced each other, imploring her to hear my words.“It’s your body, princess, you can do whatever the hell you like with it. Screw what anyone else thinks.”
“I don’t like it—Ihateit. I don’t look like my grandmother anymore.”
“Yes, you do. You have her green eyes.” I swiped my thumb beneath one, catching more tears.“You have her brilliant hair that never faded with age. Her smile.” She sniffled, the tip of her nose turning pink.“Please, princess, yell at me, hate me for how I acted this afternoon, for how I’ve judged you, but please stop crying… I can’t bear it.” Without thinking, I swooped down to press a butterfly kiss to the tip.“You’re stunning. With this nose… your old nose, Pinocchio’s nose… you would still take my breath away.”
The stars were reflected in her watery eyes, making her look ethereal and otherworldly.“I don’t blame you. I know what people see when they look at me.”
“What do people see?”
“A failure who’s only good for one thing.” I wanted to argue, but I needed to hear what she had to say.“Shallow. Vapid. A stupid bimbo with small tits and a pretty face.”
“You are not shallow, or vapid, or stupid,” I snarled.
“Oh yeah? Would a smart person sign a contract with a man who’d hold their career hostage when they refused to sleep with him?”
“What?” Her words were like a thunder strike. I pushed up onto my elbow, almost too stunned to speak. But I needed to be certain of what she was confessing to me. I wasn’t sure she’d even meant to. When I tucked her hair behind her ear my hands were trembling.“April… what you’re saying… that’s a crime.” It wasn’t nerves that made me stutter, but fury.
“I know.” Her voice was so small. Then, in the space of a heartbeat, she changed. Anguish melted from her features until they held…something else. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact emotion, but I knew it wasn’t real. She bit her lip, inching an increment closer.“Do you know the best part about being an actress? Her small finger met the centre of my chest.“I can be anyone you want.” Lower and lower it brushed, down the planes of my abs, and I knew I needed to stop her. That knowledge didn’t hold back the shudder her touch brought forth.“Who do you want me to be, Mal? I can be fun and sultry, sweet and shy, anything you want.” She began drawing circles, brushing ever closer to my belt buckle, but all I could see were the tears still drying on her cheeks.
I caught her hand.“I only want you to be you.”
She shook her head, hair sliding against my skin.“What if I don’t know who that is?” Then she slumped back against my arm, asleep, as though that final confession took everything from her. I caught the back of her head in my palm, mind racing as I attempted to process everything she just told me.
I swallowed back bile as my stomach lurched, feeling so off-kilter it took me two attempts to pull her into my arms. My entire body swayed unsteadily, but still I walked to the manor, clutching her in a protective embrace. Maybe if I held her tight enough, I could erase anything bad that’d ever happened to her, stop anything bad from ever happening again.
I hardly remembered my journey through the lower level and up the stairs. Or setting her onto her unmade bed beside Boy and Dudley. When I started to tuck her in, she stirred again, awake enough to go to the small bathroom beside her bedroom and change into clothes I pulled from the cabinet. A pair of fleecy pyjamas too thick for the summer evening, but I couldn’t stand the thought of her being cold.
She laughed to herself as she brushed her teeth, opening and closing her mouth to show me how the buzz of her electric toothbrush sounded like T. rex.Does she even remember what she said to me outside?She half removed her makeup, leaving dark smudges beneath her eyes. Following her into the bathroom, I urged her to sit on the closed toilet lid while I grabbed a damp flannel, wiping the remainder away until her skin was pink and slightly puffy. Then, I untangled the jewelled clips from the back of her hair, brushing through the knotted curls with a comb I found on the vanity. I felt her observing me, a bemused little smile on her lips. As soon as I set aside the comb, she shifted closer so she was in the circle of my arms, her forehead a hair’s breadth from my lips. I knew what she wanted, but I drew back, unwilling to take even this slightest thing when I didn’t trust she was in the right mind to mean it.
I finally wrangled her into her bed, tucking the sheets up to her chin, but still her whispered words filled the room.“I’m so cold, Mal.”
“I’ll grab another blanket—” I started to withdraw but she clutched my T-shirt in her small fist, speaking as though she didn’t even hear me.
