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“Then why all this?” I ask, turning to glare at him. “If that’s what you really want, why do you keep pushing me to take the job?”
And why the hell did he have to say that?I would’ve been so fucking happyjust about breaks my damn heart, because that’s what I wanted to do. That’s what I wanted more than anything, but I was too much of a coward.
Instead, I committed to this job, and now I can’t pull out, not without torching my chances at working in the outdoor climbing industry.
“Because it’s what’s best for you,” he says for the hundredth time, sounding exhausted, looking like he’s being dragged down to the floor. As if he knows anything about what’s best for me at all. “I really mean it when I say you taking this job is the best thing for you long-term. The last girl I committed myself to died because I was too damn selfish and lazy to make sure she had her seatbelt on before driving home. What do you think will happen to you? Taking you to Boston would be the same damn mistake, only worse. I’d be doing it on purpose.”
He takes a deep breath and lets it out. I stare at him, and I understand what he’s trying to say, but there’s so much context he’s not taking into consideration.
“We’re not teenagers, Gareth. I’m not asleep. I know the risks.”
“I don’t think you do.” He shakes his head slowly. “You saw Orin down the beach. You saw him happy. On my visit, I saw the real Orin, the stressed-out and aggressive crime boss. Now more than ever, I’m sure I made the right choice, pushing you toward that job. He’s dangerous, Fiona. They’re all dangerous. I couldn’t live with myself if you got hurt.”
“Then why are you coming back here and kissing me? You know what I’m thinking. You have to know—” I stop myself, biting back the words. “You have to know kissing me would only hurt me in the end.”
“You’re right,” he says, speaking quiet and calm. “I shouldn’t have done this. It was a mistake, a selfish mistake. I won’t do it again.”
I look away. I cross my arms over my chest, hugging myself. The fucked-up part is, Iwanthim to kiss me. I want him to touch me. Only I know it’ll make things worse.
“I’m staying here,” I say, not able to meet his gaze again. “You’re going to Boston. We can just leave it at that, okay? We don’t have to fight.”
I’m too tired to keep doing this, over and over.
“This isn’t how I wanted things to go.” His voice is throaty and tense.
“Yeah, me neither. You know what’s sick? The girls stopped by while you were gone. Brice and Kat. They came over, kept me company for a night, they even talked about you. Both of them encouraged me to tell you how I feel. But what’s the point, anyway? Why even bother?”
He’s quiet. I don’t know what I want him to say. There’s nothingtosay. We’ve already made up our minds, and if I keep doing this, I’ll lose whatever dignity I managed to claw back by pushing him away.
I turn to the hall. “It always ends like this with us, doesn’t it? Me running back to my room.”
Trying not to let him see me cry.
“You don’t have to. I need a shower. I’ll keep out of your way.”
“It’s fine.” I start walking. “This is your place, right, Gareth? I’m just visiting for a while.”
I shut the door behind me.
Chapter44
Gareth
Ican’t stay in that apartment.
Not after trying to kiss her like a fucking idiot.
I knew it was wrong—and I tried to do it anyway.
I’m glad she pushed me away, even if I wanted to keep going.
Even if I wouldn’t have stopped.
I fly out of Dallas the following morning, early. I leave her a note:Heading to Chicago on business. Sorry about yesterday. Gareth. Hopefully she doesn’t hold my stupid decisions against me, but then again, what does it matter?
I’m leaving. She’s staying. It’s over—whateveritwas.
“I didn’t push her into the job to get rid of her,” I say, sitting at a fancy bar. The soft murmur of conversation swirls around us. The lighting’s muted, sultry, lots of reds and leather. The sort of place where I’m comfortable.
