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Her lips purse together. “Don’t remind me.”
“I’ll keep paying for everything. Cable, electricity, all the bills. I’ll give you plenty of money to make sure you’re comfortable.”
“I’ve got a job now, remember?” She tilts her head, studying me. “Why are you doing all this?”
“Because you’re still doing me a favor.” I shift closer, unable to help it. My eyes slip to her legs, to her lovely thighs. Fuck, this is dumb. All of this is dumb.
Why can’t I just have what I want? Forget the consequences. Forget what’s best for her.
Take what I want and keep it?
“Seems like I’m getting the better end of that deal.”
“Maybe, but you deserve it. No, don’t argue. You’ll live here while I’m in Boston, at least until we decide it’s time to, you know—” I pause, not willing to say it.
But she whispers, “Time to divorce. We’re going to divorce in a few months, aren’t we?”
“Yes, we are.”
“It’s funny,” she says, not looking like it’s funny at all. “But that sort of makes me sad.”
“I don’t want to make you sad. It’s only the bargain we made.”
“Then what? We divorce and you’re just—gone? Out in Boston?”
“And you have a life to live. Debt-free, with a good job. All the prospects in the world.”
“Perfection.” She leans her head back. I stare at her long neck as she swallows more champagne.
I finish my drink, get up, grab the bottle, and give us both a refill. When I sit, this time my leg’s pressing against hers. Inches closer. Like she’s a magnet and I’m steel, unable to pull away.
“Can I ask you something?” she murmurs, staring at the ceiling. She drinks down half her glass.
“Go ahead.” I follow suit. More bubbly fills my stomach.
“Do you ever do something you know is bad for you? Because it feels good?”
“All the time,” I say, grinning to myself, and raise my drink. “Case in point.”
“Champagne is healthy. How dare you suggest otherwise.”
I shrug, toss it back. Get a refill. She arches an eyebrow, but follows suit. “I try not to indulge myself like that anymore,” I say, watching her still as she stares anywhere but at me. “In my line of work, I need to be disciplined.”
“Lawyer? Disciplined? Big shock.”
“Particularly considering my clientele. I need to be discreet and in control, otherwise the men I work for might start wondering if I can keep their secrets.”
“No getting hammered for you, not in public at least.” She glances at me. “That must be hard.”
“Sometimes,” I say, unable to tear my eyes away. I feel like this is the last time I’ll see her. But she’ll be here in the morning, and the morning after. I could visit her whenever I wanted.
Except I know I won’t. It would hurt too fucking bad, only make things harder.
“I tried to do everything right, but look where that got me. Then you came along.” She laughs bitterly. “Now I don’t know anymore.”
“I decided a long time ago that I can’t be self-indulgent. I’m a naturally selfish person, and I’ll take as much as I can if given the chance, and so I always struggle against my impulses. Even when I want something that feels so good, something I’ve never felt before, even then I have to be careful because of who I am. I destroy everything I touch, Fiona. I work for killers and thieves. I can’t let myself give in to my base desires.”
“You don’t ruin everything,” she whispers, eyes closed. She throws back another drink. I do the same and refill our glasses. “Something horrible happened to you a long time ago, but that doesn’t define everything that comes after.”
