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“Nope. No more beating around the ficus tree. I miss you. I want to see you again and spend my Saturday afternoons with you.”
My hands fall to my sides, catching my purse as it slides down my arm. I look back up at him and see the sincerity in his eyes, all of his truths exposed to me in his expression. My willpower starts to give. I feel it deep within, and dang it, if I’m honest with myself, I miss him, too. “Walk with me?”
He smiles, and inside I know this is the right decision for now. “My pleasure.”
My mind isn’t changing. I’m flattered by his dedication and persistence, and especially his honesty, but I’m not where I need to be. I stop, moving out of the pedestrian traffic.
“Charlie.”
I guess it’s the tone in my voice or the way I sighed when I said his name because he says, “That doesn’t sound good.” He stops in front of me. “Before you make a huge mistake, because I can tell that’s what you’re about to do, I need to say something.”
I’ll give him this. A few more minutes in his presence, and I’ll give him anything, so I hope he’s quick before I lose all of my willpower. I nod for him to continue.
“You could never be considered someone’s second best.” He takes my hand without permission, rubbing his thumb over the top. “Not that it means anything to you now, but I would have asked you out if I thought you had any interest in me. When you left the club so fast, I figured we weren’t meant to be.”
His sweet words fill my heart, and I swallow hard. Lifting up on my toes, I kiss him on the cheek and linger, whispering, “Thank you.”
“It’s too late, isn’t it?”
“I’m not good, Charlie. I’ve started meeting with a counselor, but I’ve only had one session.” A heavy silence fills the space between us as he releases my hand gently. “I’m not okay. That means we’ll never be okay if I don’t work through this.” I step closer, still struggling to resist touching him again. “I’m sorry I dragged you into my mess.”
“As long as you don’t say ‘this isn’t you, it’s me.’ ”
I smile because I would have said that next. Instead, I remain quiet, watching him process the meaning behind my words.
His hands are shoved into his pockets, and his body leans closer as he asks, “We can’t be friends anymore?”
I shake my head, not able to say the words. Tears threaten, but don’t fall.
He looks to his right and then up at the building behind me. I think he might be holding back his own tears. He closes his eyes, hiding them. “Is this goodbye forever, Charlie?”
I rush to answer. “I don’t want it to be, but I can’t make any promises either.”
His breathing hardens, puffing his chest out with each intake. After a quick sniffle, he opens his eyes and clears his throat. “It hurts to be this close to you and still not be as close as I want to be. Please don’t leave.” I hear his own hard swallow, his nerves making his voice shake enough for me to notice his distress.
Looking down at my hands, I say what I need to. “My life has crumbled, and I can’t seem to rebuild it. You were there to help me, but all we did was put a Band-Aid on the situation instead of dealing with it—the pain, Jim’s cheating, his death. I thought moving on and forgetting about what happened was the same as healing. It’s not, though, and I finally figured that out.”
“Char—”
“Please let me say this.” I sniffle, and he goes quiet. “You’re right. I am leaving. But it’s not because of you. I hope you will believe me. I need to face my life and figure out who I am now instead of relying on who I was with him. I’m sorry if this hurts you. I never wanted to do that, but if I don’t take ten steps back and focus on myself, I’ll hurt you more in the long run. I see that now.”
The tears dry because this realization is my epiphany. I know I’m making the right decision for me, and that’s what I need. The weight burdening me for so long lifts, confirming this truly is right.
After another long pause, he says, “You have my number if you need me. I’m not going anywhere.” I can hear a new lightness in his tone. He knows this is the right decision, too.
“I do, and the same goes for you. I’ll be here. I’m just not your couch-cuddler anymore.”
“I guess this is goodbye?”
“For now.” I hate this feeling, hate the word goodbye.
“Hmm. Goodbye for now, then.” He takes a step back.
“Hey, Charlie?”
