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Ramsay goes on. “So I suppose the question is this, princess: Where do you want to go next?”
CHAPTER44
Ramsay
THREE MONTHS LATER
Of all thebattles we fight, grief is the one that we cannot win. There is no winning and there is no losing. Grief makes a home within your bones so that you’ll carry it for all time.
It’s been three months since we lost Henry and Sam. I thought that grief was done with me when I lost my father, and Venla, and Hilla, but that was a wishful and foolish thought. Loss and tragedy don’t stop more loss and tragedy from occurring and grief will always follow you, like a shadow you don’t want.
In that time, there has been a lot to be grateful for. I have the rest of my crew, I have Maren, and I have my ship. After the battle at the Bay of Banderas, theNightwindheaded south toward Acapulco, but since the demolition of an entire fleet of naval ships, the British Government had a price out on our heads. Granted, we actually didn’t do anything to the ships except fire a few cannons and take out some of their rigging and crew. But we didn’t actually sink those ships.
Be that as it may, since the waking world doesn’t believe in the Kraken, harkening the monsters to tales a drunken sailor would tell, they jumped to the conclusion that we somehow destroyed an entire naval fleet. I have to say, even though it meant a bounty on our heads, I didn’t mind that we added to our already fearsome reputation.
However it meant that we needed to lay low. We bypassed Acapulco and took the ship down to Panama City, a place that was uneasy about pirates since Henry Morgan burned the original city to the ground last century, and therefore fearfully respectful of us. We’ve been here ever since, the crew stretching their legs for the last while, renting estates and living in villas on land, spending our treasures, eating the local food and drinking the local people.
But while this time has been a respite from life at sea, it’s also been full of hardships. I miss Henry terribly and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. Sometimes I’ll think of the future and all that I thought he would grow up to be, and it destroys me to think he won’t ever grow up, in the same way it hurts to think about Hilla. But while there is pain, there is a slow and steady acceptance of it. Maren has been exceptionally patient with me when I’ve wanted time alone to brood and drink, when I’ve been short with her, when I’ve been acting like I don’t have my head on straight. She’s stayed by my side, a steady, comforting presence.
I miss Sam too, her good-natured personality, her sass and wit, her ability to put me in my place. She was more than a sister-in-law, she was like a sister to me, and her absence in our lives is markedly noticeable. Most of all I miss the way she made Thane and Lucas feel. They adored her and she was the glue holding them together.
But for all their struggles, my brother and nephew have managed to hold tight to each other. Lucas I feel for most of all, having lost his mother and his best friend in such a short amount of time, and I’m grateful that Maren has stepped in to try and be there for him when he’s willing.
My brother has been a tough nut to crack. He’s taken to drinking, as we all do when times get rough out here. It’s the pirate life, after all. But tomorrow we set sail, heading back north to Acapulco where we hope to raid a galleon before heading back across the Pacific to Manila, and I’ve decided to drop in on Thane at the local tavern before he gets carried away.
The tavern is located just a stone’s throw from the beach where we’ve purposely stranded the ship, setting the beast on the sand so that the locals we’ve hired can do repairs to the hull, scrape away the barnacles, and add more tar to waterproof it. It’s also part of the inn where Maren and I have been renting the top floor, while Thane and others have rooms below.
I find Thane sitting outside at a table, drinking his rum and staring off into the night sky, the waves gently lapping the shore.
“Brother,” I say, sitting down across from him.
He just grunts at me in response and slams back his drink.
“Look here,” I say to him. “I know the toll these last few months have taken on you and you deserve every bit of escape that you can get from the cards that life has dealt you. But tomorrow we set sail for Acapulco and after that we don’t know the next time we’ll be on land again. Might be months.”
“What’s your point?” he says gruffly.
“The point is that we are a family. We are the Brethren. And when we come together on that ship there, on theNightwind, we need to act as a unit. You know I’ve turned a blind eye when it comes to Crazy Eye’s drinking habits, or Lothar’s mood swings, but for the sake of us all, because you’re the quartermaster, the one with all the real power, you need to be at your best.”
He lets out a derisive snort and gazes at me sharply. His amber eyes are bloodshot.
“My best? I don’t have a best anymore, Ramsay.”
“You do. And you know you do because you put on your best for your son. For Lucas. He’s lost as much as you, maybe more, and he’s young. He’s just a boy, Thane, he’s mature and he’s seen a lot, God Almighty has he ever, but he’s still just a boy. And he needs you to be his father, just as much as the crew needs you to be their quartermaster. And try as you might, you won’t be able to be those things when you’ve got this much drink in you.”
Thane eyes me with sorrow, his brow crinkling. “Do you think your words will make my grief go away? Do you wish to fix me? Does it make you uncomfortable that I’m feeling this way?”
I reach out and put my hand on his, giving it a squeeze.
“Nothing will make it go away,” I tell him bluntly. “No words. Not even time. I’m just here to remind you that you still have duties more important than your grief.”
He doesn’t say anything for a moment, his attention going back to theNightwindand the crabs that scuttle nearby, their shells gleaming in the moonlight. Then he nods. “Aye. Lucas.”
I sigh inwardly with relief. It’s not in Thane’s character to lose control for so long. He’s always had such a handle on his emotions.
Silence falls over us. Crickets chirp from the jungle.
“I know Sam initially wanted you, brother,” he says, his voice so low it’s barely audible.
