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“No. Come on. Guys. Please…” I back away from them both, my hands raised.
“Don’t even think about it,” Siryn says. She caught my glance toward the window. Unfortunately for her, I have already thought about it. Not only have I thought about it, but I’ve planned it. I know exactly how many steps I need to get to it, and how fast I need to move to leap out of it.
Pirates scatter in surprise as I come out the window like a missile, tucking into a tight ball before scampering along the docks.
Kail
“I should have anticipated that,” Siryn says with a half-shrug as Tarni disappears out the window. “She used to do that a lot. She is an expert at deserving punishment, and an even greater expert at escaping that punishment. Shall we go find her?”
“I don’t think we need to hunt her,” I reply. “We are here. Nemo is here. She is not going anywhere. She will have to come home soon enough, and when she does, she will submit obediently.”
I almost believe myself as I say those words. Maybe Tarni is changing me. I don’t believe for a second she intends to come and submit obediently. I do think she will eventually return, likely by stealth, and I think when she does she will expect the trouble to have passed.
“You’re not as good a liar as she is,” Siryn says. “Tarni has no shame.”
“I think she has a lot of shame,” I reply. “I think she is ashamed of every breath she takes.”
Siryn cocks her head at me. “You’re quite intelligent, aren’t you. And you know her well. I am glad she found someone like you. I do not know what fate had in store for her otherwise. The Colony used her like a whore.”
She sits down in one of her fine armchairs and gestures to me, indicating that I should also take a seat.
“They crashed her ship without warning so I would take pity on her. They nearly killed her in the attempt to get my confession,” I say. “I have never encountered such a survivor.”
“She has fortitude and fortune on her side,” Siryn says. “Would you like some port?”
“I do not know what that is.”
“Try some,” she pours some thick red liquid into a goblet and hands it to me.
I take it from her and take a small sip. It tastes like fire and riches. It is good.
“I am grateful for your hospitality,” I say. “But you do not owe it to us, and if you wish for us to move on, we will do so.”
“There are not many places you could move to that are not either contested, or run by someone worse than I,” Siryn says. “I welcome strong warriors such as yourself, and the baby has my protection as a matter of course. It is the human that gives me pause. She cannot be trusted. Even now, about to earn a small fraction of her comeuppance, she fled.”
“I have trusted her with my life on several occasions,” I reply. “She has given up everything, lost everything to leave the Colony. I know she never showed you her honor, but she does possess it.”
“I need to see it.”
Tarni
I sit underneath the window and listen to them talk about me. Siryn’s words are unerringly accurate. I can’t be offended by them, because they’re true. Kail’s belief in me is sweet, but Siryn has no way of knowing if he truly has me in hand, or if I am playing him the same way I played her.
This is all my fault. Self-pity makes me seriously consider getting in my ship and flying away. They’d all be better off without me. Siryn is right. I am a liar, and a manipulator, and even if I went in there right now and agreed to let Kail thrash me, it wouldn’t be because I think I deserve it. It would be because I know that’s what I need to do in order to gain their trust. That’s the thought process of a spy, not a lover.
How am I supposed to teach Nemo to be a half-decent person when I’m so fucked up? I’m going to ruin him, like I ruined parts of Siryn. She’s not over me. Or, more accurately, she’s not over what I did to her. I think she’s very much over me. The way she looks at me has no affection at all.
I love Kail, and I love Nemo, but coming here has reminded me of the worst parts of myself. I thought all I had to do was physically escape the Colony, but the Colony is inside me. It is part of me, and I take it with me wherever I go. There’s a very real chance that the best thing I could do is to leave Kail and Nemo here where they will be safe and remove myself from the situation.
* * *
Our ship has been moved to one of the smaller side docks. I pace back and forth there, thinking about my options, quietly hating myself, wishing I was better. Wishing I had made different decisions. But if I had, Kail would be a dead savage and nobody knows what would have happened to Nemo. We’ve heard rumors that the baby survived and that Persinian agents have been searching for him. There aren’t many who can hide him as well as we can, and even fewer prepared to protect him the way we will.
Maybe I’m not the worst person in the entire universe. Maybe I do have a past, but who doesn’t? Nobody becomes a pirate because they made good decisions. Everybody, Siryn included, has made their fair share of mistakes.
I keep turning the matter over and over in my mind. Am I good? Am I bad? Am I some toxic combination of both?
A gruff clearing of the throat comes from behind me. I turn around to see Kail standing behind me. I don’t see Siryn, thankfully.
