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I move my eyes back to him and say softly, “You told me about the drawing in your wallet.”
His cheeks redden just slightly. “Anything else?”
“Bode...”
“Juno, tell me.”
I take a deep breath. “You said I was your greatest regret or that walking away from me was your greatest regret.”
As soon as I finish talking, the words just hang in the air – the silence charged. I listen to the fridge humming in the background for a moment and then say, “Is that true?”
Our eyes are locked now. He doesn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
My stomach flips. I stand up quickly – speechless.
He continues, “Yes. That’s true. I thought I was dying and all I could think about was you. How I messed up with you.”
I cover my mouth with my hand. “Why wouldn’t you just tell me, Bode?”
He closes his eyes for a second and I say, “Was it my family? I know you worried about that, but they would have accepted us. You know I talked with them. They said they would back off.”
He shakes his head. “It wasn’t your family. I mean, that gave me a little pause, but that wasn’t it.”
He sighs deeply and then says, “It didn’t make any sense.”
I furrow my brow. “What didn’t make any sense?”
“Us,” he blurts out.
“What does that mean?” I throw my hands in the air.
He answers with a soft voice. “You were going back to school. For fuck’s sake, Juno, you were still in college.”
“So? People have long distance relationships all the time.”
He stares at me for a minute and then says, “You weren’t ready.”
My jaw nearly drops open. I really hope I misheard him.
“I wasn’t ready?”
“Think about it, Juno. What would have happened if we’d gotten together? Would you have experienced all the things you’ve done in the last few years? Look at where you are. I would have held you back.”
I start to pace. I’m so angry right now. After a minute, he says, “Say something.”
“You thought that if I was in a relationship with you – I’d what? Just stop living? Stop having goals? My whole existence would just revolve aroundyou?”
He tries to sit up straighter but winces. “No, no – that’s not what I’m saying, but would you have gone to pastry school if we were together?”
I just stare at him for a moment and then say, “Yes.”
He blinks a few times and then I continue, “And, that should have been my decision to make, not yours. I really hate that you thought you could just make my decisions for me. What about what I wanted?”
“Juno, you were really young...”
I cut him off. “Not that young. We aren’t talking about when I was eighteen.”
I start pacing again. “My whole life the men I know have thought they could just make decisions for me. You knew that, Bode. You knew how much I hated that, and then you did the same thing.”
