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“Maybe he’s the colicky prototype,” Andie says thoughtfully.
“Count on you bitches to get me the colicky BB-2 model,” I grump, stuffing a bottle in his mouth before hitting the elevator button.
“Three days, Turd Jam!” Kiki shouts.
“In the bag, bitches,” I call over my shoulder. As soon as the elevator doors close, I slump against the wall and groan. The next three days are going to be hell on earth with this little psycho Chucky doll.
“Lord, I don’t ask for much from you, butpleasegive me the strength for things I can’t handle, like closing his arm and head in the car door and getting violently attacked by Bartie the cat. Also, please show Connor and the girls Iamready for this. And for the love of all who are holy, please let those Versace leather pants be on sale next week at Neiman’s. Amen.”
Chapter 14
Connor
Watching a frazzledTJ tryin’ to change the screaming doll’s diapers is probably the highlight of my day.
“Can you help instead of sitting there all smug, like you’d do a better job?”
I hold my hands up in surrender. “Sorry, Love, but I’m under strict orders not to help ye with Benji.”
“Those sadists. Why are these diapers so big?” He reaches for the duct tape on the counter and winds it around the top of the diaper and the baby.
“Uh, Love? Pretty sure yer not supposed to tape the baby’s skin. It’s very delicate, ye know?”
“This isn’t arealbaby!” he hisses, shoving a bottle into the baby’s mouth. Benji immediately stops crying. “Sweet Jesus, silence has never sounded so good.” He leaves Benji lying on the counter and collapses against the couch cushions.
“Thomas, ye can’t leave the baby lying on the counter unattended.”
TJ scowls at me before pulling himself off the couch. He snatches Benji and the bottle off the counter and sits back down in a huff. Benji’s muffled cries and an alarm ring in the air and TJ’s face crumples. “I think this thing is defective. Why is he always crying?”
“Well, maybe ye shouldn’ wedge him between the pillow like that.” I point to poor Benji facedown against a throw pillow.
“Ugh, it’s not hard to sit up, Benji.” He tries to straighten Benji’s legs into a sitting position, but the doll flops over. The alarm continues to beep and I have to turn away from him to keep from laughing.
“Connor, this isn’t funny.”
“It’s hilarious, Love.” I smirk. “Done be mad at me. I’m an innocent bystander.”
“I’m not,” he snaps. “Ugh, how many days has it been?”
“Since ye told the girls you’ve got this baby thing in the bag?”
“You mean the three evil witches. It’s been at least a month.”
“It’s been a day.”
“Nooo,” he cries, flopping back against the cushions, holding Benji to his front. Seeing him with a baby on his chest, even if it is a psychotic doll, warms my heart.
“Look, I know yer tryin’. And I love ye for it. So, Benji isn’t the best baby in the entire world—”
“He’s Satan’s spawn.”
“Okay, well, that’s a little harsh, but yer doin’ good, getting his feedings in and nappies changed. I’m proud of ye, Love.”
“Even though I drove away with him on the hood of the car the other day?”
I nod. “Ye stopped when ye noticed, didn’t ye?”
“Only because my Frappuccino was there, too.”
