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“What the hell happened to BB-2?” Kiki stands and grabs the doll.
“Why is one eye shut?” Sarah screeches. “And why does he have marker all over his skin?”
“Calm-a-mentos and chill. Sare Bear, again, can we take that screech about five octaves down? Thanks, chica.” I stand up from the window seat and check my watch. “Look, I’d love to discuss baby Benjamin Blueberry BB-whatever, but I have a mocha frappe calling my name right now and I need caffeine like nobody’s business, so if we can shelve this, that would be great.”
I turn and shudder when I catch a glance of Kiki holding Benji in the morning light. Good god, he’s frightening. He looks like Big Baby fromToy Story 3.
“Sit your happy ass back down, mister.” Kiki points a finger at the window ledge.
Andie clears her throat. “According to our BB-2 baby app, your baby has been crying incessantly—”
“Gurrl, you don’t have to tell me. He won’t shut up. I’ve had a migraine all weekend from the crying. It’s totes ridic. My only salvation is the car seat. He stops crying. Absolutely loves it.”
“Are you telling us you lock BB-2 in his car seat and leave him there?” Sarah asks, her eyes bugging out.
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” The three of them share a look. “Oh, come on, you guys, I’m kidding.It’s a doll. I wouldn’t do that to a real baby, obvi.”
“TJ, have you fed him and changed his diaper?”
“Well, duh, Kinks. Look at his super cute Burberry outfit. He even has a matching hat and booties. I went a little crazy at that baby store in Franklin. I got him the cutest matching baby trench coat, too.”
“Oh my god.” Andie sighs. “TJ, this wasn’t for you to play dress up. This was a chance to feel what it’s like to have a real, live baby. If this is any indication of how you would take care of one, then I’m sorry, friend, but you may not be ready for this.”
“Don’t y’all think you’re being a wee bit dramatic?”
“Your baby has permanent marker on his forehead that strangely matches your own. Why do you have marker on your forehead?” Sarah shakes her head, waving a hand in the air. “You know what, never mind. I was going to donate this to Jax’s high school, but I can’t give them this. Look at his eye! It doesn’t stay open anymore. Like he’s perpetually winking. It’s creepy.”
“Thank you.” I throw my hands in the air, grateful they’re finally catching on. “Heiscreepy. He cries and pees and if I throw him on the couch, some kind of annoying alarm goes off. And don’t get me started on the greenish-brown goo that comes out of his butt. Like what sick person came up with the design of this thing? I was at Haymakers the other day meeting a client and he wouldn’t stop crying. Turns out he was upside down in the Baby Bjorn I was wearing. It wastrésawkward when the client pointed it out.” I take a deep breath and try to find my inner chi. “I didn’t want to say anything, y’all, but Benji is really cramping my style.”
“TJ? Why is his arm duct-taped to his shoulder?” Kiki has undressed him on Andie’s desk.
“We had a little incident with the car door.” I laugh nervously. “Yikes. Who knew it could take off an arm? Totally nutcray.” Kiki gives me a look that could melt one of Madame Tussaud’s wax statues. I fold my arms over my chest and sit back down. “At least I taped it back on.”
“According to the app, you had him in the car seat for a total of eighteen hours on Sunday. He’s dehydrated. He needed a diaper change twenty-four hours ago and hasn’t eaten in two days.” Andie reads from her phone, arching an eyebrow. “Two days, TJ?”
“TJ, what the fuck?” Kiki shouts. “You and Connor were supposed to be practicing. Now I have to turn you into Child Services.”
Standing up, I huff and grab the Baby Bjorn out of my messenger bag Andie unceremoniously shoved off her desk. I snatch Benji from them and tuck him into the baby pouch. “Happy?”
“Uh, TJ? He’s upside down.” Sarah points at my chest.
“Pimento cheese on rice cakes,” I bite out, unbuckling the Bjorn and ram Benji right side up, yanking his legs through the holes. “You guys, I’ve got this. Give me a few more days to show you I can make Benji my bitch.”
“Did he just say he was going to make his doll-baby his bitch?” Sarah asks.
“Thank GodNashville Nextisn’t here filming this shit,” Andie mutters.
“Fine, a few more days, Tammy Jean,” Kiki says sternly. “Prove to us you’re ready for this.”
“And what happens if Benji doesn’t cooperate?” I ask, covering my bases in case Benji Blue goes exorcist on me.
“Then we go to Connor and let him know our findings.”
I gasp. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“We would,” Sarah says with an evil little smile. The other two nod their heads in agreement. “Pretend BB-2 is a real baby and his life depends on you.”
“Fine. I’m off to thecafé con leche.” Benji emits an ear-piercing wail, causing all of us to flinch. “See?” I whisper, covering his mouth. “He’s possessed.”
