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“Well, he’s, um…” I flutter my hands, anxious about the girls’ reaction. “He doesn’t know yet.”
“Uh, don’t you think this is something you should discuss with Connor first? He should be involved in this decision,” Kiki says, her eyes cutting to the camera crew.
And there’s my little dark thundercloud, electrocuting my good vibe.
“Yeah, I agree with Kiks, TJ,” Sarah says and Andie nods along. “This is definitely something you should talk over with Connor before making such a big decision.”
“Sare-ugh! Not you, too. Come on guys, wehavetalked about it, but we can’t agree on what we want to do, so if I bring it up on camera, he’ll have to move forward with it. He can’t say no.”
“That sounds like a terrible idea,” Kiki says while the other two nod their heads in agreement.
“Don’t you want to be involved in your little niece or nephew’s conceive-ment?”
“Is that even a thing?” Andie asks the room.
“Strangely, I do.” Kiki smiles with wide eyes, the rusty cogs in her mind slowly churning. I knew I could hook her in. And if she’s in, the other two will cave shortly.
I grab my bag and pull out four sparkly purple binders with “Baby Ryan” bedazzled on the fronts and hand them each one. I look back to make sure Cal, Sam, Tina, and Brody are filming.
“Oh, and one more thing, try to not look at the camera. Breaking the fourth wall istrèstragic and makes you look desperado. I’m looking at you, Kinky.” I give her the two fingers to my eye and point at her. She flips me off in response before turning her attention to the binder.
“Now, I’ve divided it up into three sections. We’re not sure which avenue we want to pursue, so I wanted to run it by my besties to help us decide. The first tab is fostering where we get to try a kid out from the prison system.”
“You mean foster system, I hope? They’re not like in juvie, right?” Andie looks at the other two, her eyes wide.
“Is there really a difference, Shorts?” I ask.
“Uh, actually yes, a big diff—”
“Eyes on the prize, ladies.” I flip the page. “Fostering will be like a trial period for us, to see if we can handle having a kid in our lives.”
“Perhaps you should get a dog first,” Kiki mumbles.
“Tragically,Kiki, most fosters don’t work out because they have a hard time trusting their new family or Grandma Pearl decides she wants them back.”
Sarah coughs as she takes a sip of tea. “TJ, a child is not something you can order off Amazon and return if it’s damaged or you don’t like it.”
“Okay, maybe‘try out’is the wrong word”—I finger-quote—“but you know what I mean. We get to have little Gino in our house and be a family of three. But then his mom gets out of jail because she’s no longer onthe drugsand wants to do better…she comes for a visit and Gino loves his mommy, but he’s torn because he loves Uncle TJ and Uncle Coco too. But we all know the streets are mean and she’s going to fall right back into the crack. Pun intended—”
“Jesus,” Kiki groans.
“Uh, are you sure we should be filming this? It’s probably not PC to say…” Andie looks hesitantly over at the cameras, but I can’t stop now. I get up and pace back and forth, making sure to stay in the camera’s frame.
“But sweet little Gino has a loving home where he’s allowed to wear ascots and suede shoes and gets to ride a sparkly unicorn for family picture day. They know his mom can’t handle the pressure. She’s back on the D-R-U-G-S and forgets to show up to his custodial hearing. The judge loves Uncle TJ’s suave style and Uncle Coco’s sexy accent, so he says they can keep him and rename him Bartholomew. Sweet little Bartie. Can’t you picture him?” I press my hands to my heart.
“That’s so not how this works!” Kiki snaps, slamming her binder shut. “He’s not a doll you can dress up, for fuck’s sake. You can’t foster a kid and then return them back into the system if they don’t work out. And why the fuck are you calling yourselves Uncle TJ and Uncle Coco to your own foster child? It’s creepy. A judge isn’t going to give a fuck if you’re wearing Gucci or TJ Maxx, and he certainly isn’t going to base his decision off of an Irish accent, as incredible as it is. And as his totally awesome auntandgodmother, I put my foot down on renaming poor sweet imaginary Gino, Bartholomew.”
“Bartie for short,” I remind her.
“That’s even worse.”
“You and Connor watched that movie, didn’t you?” Sarah asks.
“The one with Mark Wahlberg…” Andie snaps her fingers. “Instant Family! I loved that movie.”
I shoot them all a dirty look. “It was very educationalandeye-opening.”
“Clearly.” Kiki sips her coffee.
