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“She seems vibrant and fun. How oldisshe?” Andie frowns.
“She’s thirty-four, but she recently quit her job and said she’d be willing to move to Nashville. We’d, of course, move her in with us. She’s a bit pricey too, but she’s experienced. And isn’t she so sassy with her bikini and leg warmers? I love her.”
“Yeah, she screams classy,” Kiki deadpans while perusing her bio.
“All I can think of is the movieBaby Mamawhen Amy Poehler’s character was pretending to be pregnant. What if you get someone like that?” Sarah’s brows crease with concern.
“Sare Bear, you don’t think I can spot a fake a mile away? Do I even need to bring up Lex’s psycho ex?”
“I’m worried you guys will invest all this money and it doesn’t work out. Then you have this stranger in your house living with you, and she won’t leave. So now you have a squatter that’s eating all your food while you and Connor are at work—”
“Dial it down a notch, Betty. That’s not going to happen. I think you need to cut back on the chamomile and stop watchingBaby Mama,” I whisper loudly while side-eyeing Kiki. “Okay, moving on to the last section, which is adoption.”
“Is adoption as expensive as hiring a surrogate?” Andie asks.
“Well, it depends on if you go through a private lawyer or an agency. Personally, I’d rather go through a private adoption, but it can also be riskier doing it that way. It’s gotten a lot better in the last decade, but it’s still not easy for two gay men to adopt. A lot of foreign countries won’t allow it, so we’ll be looking in the United States, but that also means it could be a longer process. It could take years. It’s definitely cheaper than surrogate, that’s for sure, but at least with surrogate it’s a sure thing.”
“I don’t know if I would want to go through the process of surrogacy,” Sarah says. “I mean, what if the in vitro doesn’t take? Do you want your and Connor’s sperm with some unknown female?”
“Oh, we don’t care if our baby has our DNA or not. We just want it to be healthy. Although it would be totes adorbs if he came out speaking with an Irish accent, wouldn’t it?”
“Tammy Jean, you do realize the baby isn’t going to be talking with an accent, right?” Kiki raises her eyebrows.
“Talking, crying, whatevs.” I brush her off while she tilts her head, staring at me quizzically.
“Then I vote for adoption,” Sarah says decisively. “Lex and I are so happy we have Jax in our lives. I mean, sure, it was difficult at first, but with therapy and having a stable home, he’s adjusted incredibly. I can’t imagine our family without him.”
I think about Lex’s looney-tunes ex-fiancée, Alana, who claimed Jax was his son, but after taking a paternity test it was revealed Jax’s dad was a cousin of Lex and Connor’s. “Jax is a pretty cool kid, but I think I want a baby. Is that wrong to want?”
“Does Connor want a baby too?” Sarah asks.
“I don’t think he knows what he wants,” I say, brusquely.
The three women exchange looks. “Don’t you think y’all should be on the same page about this?” Andie asks.
I glance quickly at the cameras. “We are, we are…don’t worry. He wants me to be happy, so whatever goes.” I snap my fingers above my head. “Snapsies, we made a decision! Adoption it is. Isn’t this exciting? It’s likeThree Men and a Baby, except there’s only two of us…”
“And you’re gay. And some lady didn’t leave the baby on your doorstep. And you’re not Tom Selleck. More like Steve Guttenberg,” Kiki says, scribbling in the binder I gave her.
“Kiki, please don’t deface my binders.” I snatch it out of her hands. “I wouldsobe Tom, by the way. I could totally rock the stache. Ugh, you’re getting me off track again. Okay, listen up, this means we need to get started on our adoption book pronto! Andie, can we borrow Enzo and Charleigh as child props for our family photos for the look-book? We need to look like we’re experienced child handlers. You know, like we know how to hold them? Oh, and Sare, maybe Connor could hold the twins. That would be so adorbs.”
“Uh, sure?”
“You can use Chase and Drew.” Kiki’s brow furrows. “They love Uncle TJ and Uncle Coco.”
“That will be a hard pass. Remember the last time you guys had photos done and Chase smeared mud all over your dress and Drew threw up on Tatum?”
“Oh, come on. That was one time.”
“Remember when you had Christmas photos done and Chase pulled Santa’s beard off and Drew threw up on Tatum?”
“Okay, he did get a little feisty with Santa and Drew had a stomach bug that day—”
“Or the time Chase kicked Andie in the shin and Drew threw up on Tatum? Or—”
“Okay fine. Point taken,” Kiki grumbles.
“Sare Bear, I’ll need you for hair and makeup.”
