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He reaches for his bottle of beer, his eyes never leave mine as he takes a long drink before placing it back on the table.
“Honestly? Nothing.”
I’m impressed. This little shit has one hell of a poker face. “You see Seamus, you and I both know, that isn’t entirely true. Is it?”
He lets out a small laugh then slowly shakes his head as if in disbelief. “Ok. You know so much, then tell me Killian, do you know she isn’t coping? She’ll never admit it, but she isn’t. I know you all found it hard after the death of your Da, Aoife and Rory. But you four, you all had each other to lean on. Niamh, she doesn’t have that level of support. She never had anyone to lean on. She’ll tell you that she’s fine. That she’s coping, but she isn’t. Her heart is just as broken as any of yours.”
I can feel the tension rolling off my brothers, Ronan more than the rest. I reach out and gently place my hand on his arm, offering him a sense of calm. My hand gives a gentle squeeze, and I feel him ease, but only a little.
“She is my baby sister. I know more than you realise.” I raise my eyebrows in challenge.
“I’m telling the truth. Nothing is going on. Niamh and I are simply friends. But I won’t lie, we have been out a couple of times and I have been clear in the fact that I want more from her.”
Ronan and Finn both push their chairs back and stand at the same time, Seamus leans back in his chair, he looks at Finn & Ronan, satisfied they aren’t going to kill him on the spot he looks to Connor then back to me. “Look, I get it. You want to protect her. I’d never do anything to hurt her. We went out a couple of times, but she made it crystal clear that she doesn’t want anything else.”
He sighs, looking down at the table, his hand gripped around the neck of the bottle, I think it’s the look of defeat we see on his face that has both Ronan and Finn taking their seats again.
“She doesn’t want this life. She hates that we’re all a part of it. And I believe if she thought for even a second that she could convince any of you to leave it, she would try. Why do you think she tries so hard to distance herself from you all, she wants out.”
Chapter 4
I watch her leave her apartment, black leggings, black hoody half zipped, a black baseball cap and her all black trainers. Her dark red hair looped out of the back and her earbuds in. The same routine every morning without fail. She runs through the streets of New York and into Central Park, which takes her an hour, then a quick stop at the local coffee shop, and back home to shower before she heads to work.
Seamus thinks I don’t know. But I do. I know where each member of my family is at any given time. He doesn’t realise I know exactly how broken she is.
I’m the one that sat outside of her bedroom door for two days straight after Da and Aoife died. I’m the one that listened to her cries of pain. And after Rory, I saw it. I saw part of her soul die. She went from a happy, bright, bubbly woman to a quiet shell of her former self.
She hides it well I’ll give her that. She has the O’Farrell skill of pretending like she isn’t carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. But I can read her, I can read them all. Except Ronan. I can’t read him at all. And Finn, well I could only ever get a small read on him, now though since we found out about how he was treated growing up, he’s like an open book.
I rest my head back on the seat and crank the heat just a little. Knowing I’m going to be stuck in this car for the next hour at least, until Niamh gets home. Winters in New York can be brutal, it may be cold, but thankfully it hasn’t snowed this last week.
Waiting outside in the car, I’m left stewing over my thoughts. I hate that Seamus seems to think she wants out and she hasn’t said anything to me or Ma. I hate that I can read her, but I didn’t see it. I’m done giving her space. Today we talk. If she wants out, then she can tell me that herself.
* * *
I don’t bother knocking. Using my spare key, I let myself into her apartment. I hear her hairdryer running in her bedroom. Heading straight into the kitchen I flip the switch on the coffee machine to make us both a drink. Although right now I think I could do with a whiskey.
“Oh Shit. Killian? What the hell are you doing in my apartment?” Niamh exclaims as she walks out of her bedroom. I grab the two cups of coffee and head to the sofa, passing her a cup and indicating she should follow as I pass by her.
Taking the cup from me she takes a seat, choosing to sit on the sofa opposite where I’m sitting. She eyes me over the rim of the cup as she takes a sip. We sit in silence for several minutes, while I try to even out my thoughts.
“Are you going to tell me why you’re here or are we just going to sit here in silence?” She bites out at me.
I place my half-drunk cup on the coffee table and lean back on the sofa, crossing my ankle over my knee. I sigh as I run my hand through my hair.
“You know you can tell me anything, don’t you?”
She nods, a look of confusion crossing her face, “I do.”
“So why didn’t you tell me that you want out? That you don’t want to be a part of this life?”
“Killian, I… I’ve never said that, why would you think that?” Her voice is quiet as she protests. She’s right, she’s never said it, but Seamus was right, she’s been thinking it, and now she knows that she hasn’t been successful in hiding her feelings.
I get up and make my way over to the sofa she’s sat on, as I take a seat beside her grabbing her hands in mine, encouraging her to face me.
“I know you’re struggling. I know you’ve struggled since we lost Da and Aoife. And I know that losing Rory hit you harder than you’ll ever admit. Seamus seems to think you don’t want this life, that you want out. I need you to know Niamh that you can tell me anything. If you want out, all you have to do is say, and I’ll do everything in my power to give you that.”
Tears roll down her face as she drops her head, I reach forward to tilt her chin back up to me. “Don’t shut me out sis, talk to me. Let me in, please.”
