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I looked at Catalina over the spread of cupcakes and tried to remember that she was my best friend. “It wasn’t a date.”
Catalina and I were at Bea’s, a boutique bakery down the street from my apartment. Michael insisted that they had the best desserts in town, so we changed the vendor last minute. When he first suggested it, my immediate thought was no. From the outside, the storefront seemed tiny, incapable of handling an order for the hundreds of guests my parents invited to the wedding.
But stepping inside the cozy shop was like walking into a delicious piece of paradise. The mouthwatering vanilla scent wrapped around my body like a hug. The size of the shop helped to make it feel comforting and familiar, and the warmth of the clerks made me feel like part of a family. It was the very opposite of the cold, almost sterile look and feel of the bakery my mother had chosen. So, I went with Bea’s.
Catalina licked some frosting from the tip of her finger. “Sure. How long did it take you to actually look at his face and not his arms, or his crotch, or his tight ass?”
It was then that I concluded that counting to ten was the most unhelpful advice to give someone who was full of rage, and my mother knew nothing about actual, genuine feelings. “I did none of those things.” I chose a bite-sized, caramel-colored cupcake and inspected the sprinkles. I wrinkled my nose a little. Who puts rainbow sprinkles on wedding cupcakes? “I could only stay for about fifteen minutes.”
“Why? Did you have something else to do?”
“No.” I sighed. “Andrew is just as judgmental as he used to be. I could only stand to be around him for fifteen minutes.”
Catalina waited with raised eyebrows.
“I mean, why does everyone have such a negative opinion about my fiancé?” I burst out. “Michael is the kindest man I’ve ever met. And he loves me. What is so wrong with that?”
“Maybe because you can’t bring yourself to say that you love him.” Catalina shrugged as I glared. “Just saying.”
Though I continued to glare at her, a small wrinkle formed in the smooth fabric of my future. I could feel it growing, spreading.
“I do love him.” My voice grew stronger with every word. “He’s the only man I’ve been with who accepts me for the person I am today, instead of trying to get me to be the person I was before or a person I never was. He plans for this life, not for a distant past and what-ifs. I need that in my life, Cat. You, of all people, should understand that.”
Catalina sighed, too, and rested her hand on my arm. “I get it, Alicia,” she said gently. “I do. But is safety and security worth risking the greatest love of your life?”
“But see that’s the thing,” I said. I turned so that her hand naturally fell off of my arm. “Andrew was never and will never be the greatest love of my life. He never felt that way about me in the past, and I don’t feel that way about him now.”
That wrinkle grew just a little more.
