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I bit my lip, trying to step carefully around the verbal landmines in our conversation. “I do have to pack. And, um, yes…you can drive me to the airport. I figured it would be quicker than driving.”
Nathan opened the door, throwing a “Great” over his shoulder before slamming the door shut.
I paused before getting out of the car and following him into the apartment. He stomped up the stairs, whirling to face me when he reached the kitchen.
“So when were you gonna tell me?” he asked angrily, his words like darts against my skin. “Or were you gonna sneak off like a thief in the night? Do you even really love me?”
“Yes, of course I do!” I exclaimed. “It’s just…”
“Justwhat?” Nathan thundered. “What, I’m not good enough anymore? You were just with me for the money? What is it?”
“I don’t fit here!” I gestured around us. “I don’t fit in this world, Nathan.”
“What? That’s ridiculous!”
“Is it though?” I returned. “Is it so ridiculous to think that Prince Charming was never meant to fall in love with Cinderella—the peasant, the one who was constantly seen as different, as lesser-than? Is it so far-fetched to wonder if in six months, a year, two years, you get tired of trying to make me fit into a society that doesn’t want me? That the novelty of being with me wears off and you realize that you’re left with some random girl you met on the internet? What if you start to feel the same way about me that you feel about your assistant—that I need to chill? And remember that we’re not really married anyway?”
“But wearereally married!” Nathan replied, throwing his hands in the air. “And I really love you. I think you’re running because you’re scared.”
“I’m not scared; I’m practical!” I shouted. “Someone has to be. And you and me…we’re not practical. We’re gonna break up anyway, so this is just…expedient.”
“Expedient?”
“Yes. And like I said, this is what we agreed on anyway. We should stick to the plan.”
“Fine.” The stoniness in his voice stole the breath from my lungs, his anger causing me to shrink away from him. “Let me get out of your way, then, as youstick to the plan.”
And with that, he walked out of the room, leaving me heartbroken for a situation that was entirely my fault.
* * *
The next two days passed by in a blur. I didn’t have much to pack, but I had to buy things like linens for myself and cookware for my on-campus apartment, which I would share with two other women. Once I got their contact information, we communicated through texts, coordinating what each of us would bring.
I also spent much of Saturday and Sunday hanging out with Brooklyn and Mack, sharing my excitement about the program but not mentioning the newfound issues with Nathan. Mack was thrown off by the suddenness of my departure, but she took it in stride, promising to keep in touch.
On Sunday evening, I packed up Nathan’s car with everything I would bring, and we traveled to the airport in silence. When we reached my departure gate, I turned to him.
“Look, I’m sorry how this all transpired,” I said quietly. “Everything happened so fast, and before I knew it, we were in love.” I reached for his hand, but when he flexed his jaw, I thought better of it.
“But still,” I continued, my voice barely above a whisper, “as much as this breaks my heart, and maybe even yours, too, it might be for the best. I don’t want to hold you back from doing your duty because you’re worried about me. And I…” I paused, my eyes filling with tears as I shredded my heart, word by word. “Ineedto go. I need to do something for me. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time, and I can’t lose myself in this marriage. In you.”
He stared straight ahead, saying nothing. I could only tell what he was feeling by how hard he gripped the steering wheel.
“I promise to let you know when I’ve landed,” I continued. “And I’ll keep in touch. And maybe, at the end of the summer, we can revisit things? To see if we still feel the same way we did?”
Nathan shrugged, still looking out the windshield. “Have a safe flight,” was all he said.
His dismissal hurt, but I pulled myself together as best I could and grabbed my meager three bags from the car. I knew that the conversation would stick with me for a long time, maybe even forever if he never forgave me. I felt sick with guilt and white-hot anger at myself for falling for a man I’d ultimately have to leave. I hadn’t just rejected Nathan’s declarations of love; I had broken my own heart in the process.
And as I headed into the airport and boarded the plane, I wondered if I had truly made the right choice, or if I was running away from the possibility of a lifetime of happiness.
ChapterThirty-Eight
NATHAN
Ifumed as I watched Ciara walk through the doors of the airport. How dare she question my love for her! If anything, I was truer to my feelings than she was. At least I wasn’t hiding behind whether I fit into her life or not. I didn’t care whatsocietyhad to say about our relationship.
I held onto that anger all the way home and through the week. Ciara attempted to reach out to me multiple times, first letting me know that she had made it safely, then sending me photos of her apartment. I read through every text but didn’t respond to any of them. She may have been okay with how we left things, but I sure wasn’t.
