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30: Lottie
It’s beenone hundred and eight hours since I left Lincoln and my heart feels like it’s been put in the shredder and it might as well be for all the use it is to me now. I’ve run the gamut from numb, to angry, and now I’m just downright sad. Every foot in front of the other as I try and rebuild what is left of my life feels like climbing a mountain.
Eric is hardly speaking to me, not understanding why we left and why I won’t let him speak to Lincoln. Yet how can I explain the complexities of adulthood to this young boy without exposing him to the hurt we, the grown-ups, cause each other?
The apartment Hudson found us is small, exactly what I wanted but in a lovely part of the city and away from Lincoln, which is what I needed. He said we could stay with him, but that felt like a betrayal somehow, living with another man so he let me choose out of the four apartments he owns.
It’s only for a short time. I’ve refused to touch the money Lincoln put in my account and I have a meeting later for a job at an Irish bar not far from here. They have an opening for the day shifts and although it will mean the tips aren’t as good, I can work it around Eric better.
The last four days have been busy with me moving and getting set up. Hudson has helped so much and given me lots of good advice. The papers he drew up to apply for a divorce from Lincoln on breach of contract sit in the drawer by my bed.
It was my idea to get the ball rolling and get this done. I just want away from him and his father. Hudson’s investigator has found a woman willing to meet with him who worked for Charles, and we’re hopeful that she’ll tell us her story.
I curl up in my bed and hate that I miss him, that the loneliness that was once only a blip on my radar is now front and center, showing me how alone I really am. I miss him, I miss Audrey and Heather. I miss Clark and I’ve avoided all the efforts from anyone to reach out to me. I eventually changed my number and now the silence hurts as much as the voicemails they left me begging me to call them.
Most of all I miss Linc. His arms around me in bed, his smile when he walked in the door at night and the way he made me feel so special. I got the messages he sent through Hudson, but I dismissed them. I can’t allow myself to fall for his lies again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. My mother would always say that when someone shows you who they really are, then listen.
I’m listening finally and it hurts. My body aches and I feel nauseous. I haven’t washed my hair in days and I only bathe so as not to embarrass Eric when I walk him to school. I’ve taken Lincoln off the approved list for speaking to or collecting Eric and every time I approach the gates, I’m worried he’ll try and speak to me there.
I fall asleep around two am and wake around five. My brain doesn’t seem to want to let me have any peace. I make a cooked breakfast for Eric of bacon and eggs with brown toast and his favorite pan-fried tomatoes. I need to try and fix the void that is between us. I can’t lose my brother over this and the thought sends a sting of choked tears to my throat.
He sees it the second he walks from his room into the kitchen diner.
“You made breakfast?”
“Yes, I thought we could eat together.”
“Why?”
He takes a seat and I sit opposite him at the little table nook. “Well, I miss you and I know things have been rough the last few days.”
“Why did we leave?”
He shovels eggs into his mouth, and I smile around my mug of tea, pleased that at least his appetite hasn’t suffered the same way mine has. I’ve dropped seven pounds in four days, most of the weight I’d gained living with Linc. “Well, sometimes things don’t work out.”
“Don’t you love him anymore?”
God, this kid. “It’s not that simple. Sometimes we can love someone, and they can still hurt us.”
“Did Linc hurt you?”
I see his fist tighten on the fork and place my hand over his. “Not like that. But he said some things that hurt my feelings.”
“Doesn’t he love you anymore?”
“I’m not sure Lincoln ever loved me, Eric, but I know he loved you.”
“He told me he loved you. Did he lie?”
My breath hitches at his words and it takes everything in me not to break down. “I think he just got mixed up and confused.”
“Will we see him or Heather again?”
I wish more than anything I could say yes. But with Charles’ threat still hanging over me and the safety net of Linc’s protection gone now, I just won’t take the risk. “I don’t think so.”
Eric pushes his food around his plate, and I know I’ve killed his hope and hate that I’m once again the bad one.
A hand lands on my shoulder and I look to see him so grown up watching me. “It’s okay, Vi. Don’t be sad. You have me and I love you to the moon.”
