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Ryder was my little man. When he started walking, he followed me around the house, babbling away in toddler gibberish. He loved helping me bake desserts. His favorite was when he got to help with the blender. He’d giggle because the vibrations of the machine tickled him.
He was also very much a daddy’s boy. Hunter would take him outside whenever he did yard work. Most of the lawn maintenance was handled by a gardener, but Hunter always insisted on mowing because Ryder loved riding the mower with his daddy.
We were all happy. The perfect family.
Until it was all ripped away.
A tear slips down my cheek, and I swipe it away. I feel lost without Eliana and Ryder in our lives, but I’m finally starting to remember that as much as I miss them and wish they were here,I’mstill here. Hunter is still here. And we need each other to fully heal. To move past this.
I feel the bed dip beside me and it’s only then that I realize Hunter has walked into the bedroom. I was so focused on my thoughts I didn’t see him come in.
Before he can say anything, I hand over the pregnancy test. He looks down as he takes it. He pulls in a breath, and I’m not sure whether he’s relieved or disappointed.
“Are you upset?” he asks, setting the test down on the bed and grabbing my hand.
“I don’t know.” I glance at the test before looking at him. “I think a part of me is, and I don’t know how to feel about that.”
“You can feel however you want, baby. No feeling is wrong.”
I nod and tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. “What about you? Are you disappointed it was negative?”
He tugs at my hand, so I get to my feet. Pulling me forward, he spreads his legs so I stand between them. His hands touch the back of my thighs, and his head tips back so his eyes meet mine.
“What I feel is that I would love to have another baby with you. You have so much love inside you, Cat. Me, Eli, and Ryder are not the only ones you’re supposed to give that love to. God built you to love more than us.” He leans forward and kisses my stomach over my shirt. “And one day, when it’s meant to be, we’ll have that other person you were meant to love.” Tears spring to my eyes and he reaches up, rubbing his thumb over one when it falls down my cheek. “I don’t know if right now is the time for that. I would have been happy if it were. But that doesn’t mean I’m sad because it didn’t happen.”
He’s right. I know that. We still have some time to have more children. We need to spend right now healing, making sure we’re whole when we do decide to add to our family.
I sniff and give him a watery smile. “One day.”
He returns it with one of his own. “One day.”
* * *
When I hear growlsfrom beside me, I jerk upright in bed. My heart dives to my toes when I see Hunter thrashing beneath the sheets. His brows are pinched low and his forehead is dotted with a light sheen of sweat.
Taking care not to startle him, I lay my hand over his heart. It beats a mile a minute beneath my palm.
“Hunter,” I call quietly, trying to gently wake him from his nightmare.
They’ve been happening since Jimmy did what he did nearly a month ago. Almost every night. My own nightmares have diminished. Maybe it’s because I now remember what happened, so I don’t need them to try and remind me. Or perhaps it’s because Hunter is suffering through his own nightmares and now it’s my turn to be there for him.
I hate to see him going through this. I realize now just how emotionally draining it must have been for him when I woke him up with my own nightmares. It’s almost more debilitating for the person witnessing the struggle. It makes them feel helpless because they can’t do anything to lessen the pain and fear.
I get no reaction when I call his name, so I get to my knees and bend over him. As I cup his cheek, a lump forms in my throat, threatening to choke me when I see the pain crippling his face.
“Hunter,” I call again, a little louder this time.
His eyes snap open and instantly, they find me in the dark. The next thing I know, he’s sitting up and pulling me onto his lap. I straddle his thighs and he buries his face in my neck. His hot and heavy breath warms the chill in my bones.
“Jesus,” he mutters, his voice muffled against my neck.
I run one hand through his hair and the other up and down his back, giving him the comfort he’s given me so many times over the years. “It’s okay. It was just a nightmare.”
He pulls back, but puts both of his hands on my cheeks to bring our foreheads together. When he speaks, his voice is raw. “It was real. You were laid out on that fucking table with Jimmy lying over you. Except this time, he got what he wanted. I was stuck in that motherfucking chair and had to watch him rape you and then slit your throat right as he finished.”
His words evoke an image in my head of when Ryder and Eliana were killed the same way. I push the unwanted vision away.
Hunter’s breathing is hard and his eyes look frantic. It’s almost like he’s still stuck in his dream, watching the nightmare play out.
