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“I must have only been out for a minute or two but the first thing I saw was Brendan. He was sitting next to me, he was unconscious but he was fine. Next was my parents. Mum wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and was sent out the windscreen while Dad hit his head against the steering wheel. Both of them died instantly,” she says on a sniffle.
Fuck.
“Me, Brendan and Sammy were pulled out of the car. Me and Bren seemed fine but Sammy was bleeding too much. She died in my arms while we waited for the ambulance.”
“Babe,” I say before we both fall into silence. I feel the front of my shirt becoming wet and there’s no doubt she has tears streaming down her face as she thinks about the worst day of her life.
"I came out of it unscathed but Brendan suffered damage to his spinal cord and was paralysed, he's been in a wheelchair ever since," she explains as her voice cracks once again. "I've never forgiven myself if we didn't go out for my birthday…"
“Don’t, Elle,” I demand. “You can’t put the blame on yourself like that. It was an accident and could have happened to anyone.”
“I know,” she sighs, “But no matter how much logic there is, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m here and they’re not.”
“It’s called survivors guilt,” I explain. “I got it after my dad died. I kept telling myself that I should have been around more and looked out for him, if I had known his heart wasn’t doing so great, I could have helped, we all would have.”
“Did it go away?” she questions.
“No,” I tell her. “I don’t think it ever will.”
She lets out a sigh and I know her mind is going straight back to her lost family so I do what I can to keep her talking. “Tell me about Brendan.”
"He's a survivor. One of the toughest guys I know," she says as her voice takes on a tone filled with pride. She then goes on to tell me about his rehab and how he has this massive chance of being able to walk again. She then explains how going to his appointments was where she first discovered her passion for physiotherapy which also explains why she didn't want to answer my question that first time we met.
I realise that for the past eight years, she has basically had to be a parent to Brendan. She went through the worst thing any seventeen-year-old could go through and then immediately had to take on the responsibility for caring for her brother, which I’m sure would have come with all sorts of medical bills and the fact that she’s put herself through college as well, tells me she has had to work her ass off for everything she’s got.
It finally makes sense to me, why she keeps turning me down. She had said that she can’t risk her job and I got that but I didn’t understand just how serious she was and what was on the line but knowing just how far she’s come and what a strong woman she is, only makes me want her more.
Now I just have to prove to her that being with me isn’t going to be a risk. There’s nothing for her to lose here, only something great to gain but I that’s something she’s going to have to work out on her own.
The second she started talking about Brendan, she couldn’t stop and it’s clear just how much she loves him. I could stay in this spot and listen to her talk for hours but when she finally runs out of things to say, she snuggles in deeper and looks up to meet my eyes. “Thank you,” she murmurs. “I really needed that.”
My heart swells as I look down into those beautiful eyes. I press a kiss to her forehead, wishing it was her lips. “Go to sleep.”
With that, she closes her eyes and drifts off into a peaceful sleep, wrapped in my arms.
Chapter 12
Elle
The sound of birds chirping seeps into my unconscious mind and has me waking from one of the best sleeps I’ve had in over eight years.
Warmth consumes me as my eyes open to realise I’m still in this silly little tent, on an air mattress and tucked safely in the arms of the most amazing man I have ever met. I can’t believe that he was able to give me the courage to talk about my family but somehow, he did. Maybe it was knowing that he had suffered his own loss and would better understand. I don’t know, but whatever it was, it has made me feel a million times lighter.
I’ve never been able to do that before. I mean, sure I’ve spoken with heaps of therapists who thought they could break me out of my depression but I doubt they had ever lost their family in one big hit. They would never have understood which is why I stopped seeing them.
