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My guilt climbs all the way to the top. “You’re spending the night there?” And I bet the food was meant for the two of us.
“Yeah. Look, it’s alright. You’re not ready. We’ll try again some other time.”
Now I’m hot—uncomfortably hot from wearing a thick coat with a label bearing the ‘V’ word.Victim. How I despise that word. And yet I let myself slide into that mentality. Why am I afraid of being on a friggin’ boat? I wasn’t born like that. I didn’t grow up with that fear. Papa prided himself for passing on his calm-and-collected genes to me, and at the same time, Mama claimed that I had inherited her stubborn genes.
At the moment, I’m neither.
Setbacks and bad days are a part of life, I admit, but a day spent with Rob can’t be a bad day just because I’m afraid of something I shouldn’t be. What the hell happened to my determination to taste victory? For this to repeat after last night—I’ve got to do something.
“Take me back there,” I blurt.
His head jerks. “Are you sure?” He slows down, and then pulls over.
“Yes.”
He tosses me a proud smile. “That’s my girl.”
Back at Avila Beach, I walk toward the pier ahead of Rob, but faced with the object that reminds me of my demise, I stop. My throat grows thick as nervousness surges within me once again. This ‘take two’ isn’t going so well, despite my resolve.
But then Rob reaches out to me, reminding me that I don’t have to do this alone. My icy cold hands don’t surprise him anymore. “Come on, let’s talk about it first.” He looks into me, somehow confident that I’ll pull through.
I take a deep breath. If he believes in me, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t.
“What is it that scares you the most?” he asks, his eyes casting no judgment, his tone heartening.
“The railings,” I reply. It’s so effortless, it feels like a spirit has brought down the walls inside me. I’m speaking out about my fear instead of playing it in my head and hiding behind it. “My face hit against one when I had the accident.”
“You don’t have to touch the railings. Just hold my hands.” He extends his arms, giving me room but not letting go. I clench his big palms as he walks backwards, pulling me like I’m being taken to a dance floor. A few steps in, and we’re already in the middle of the gangplank.
“What else?” he asks, feeling me trembling.
“The bobbing on the water.”
He steps closer to me, pulling me into his embrace—not rushing, in contrast to the speed of my heartbeat. “Is this better?”
If this is what fears feel like when I’m with Rob, then there’s nothing that I can’t do.
The wind picks up as we’re about to hop onboard. His hold—on me, and my heart—is unrelenting. The boat sways, but we move together—he’s too close to me to let even a shred of fear manifest itself.
“I take it you had the accident on the deck?” he says.
“Yes, port side.”
“We don’t have to stay on the deck. You don’t even have to look at it.” As if slow-dancing, he guides me on board, and with a couple of big steps, we enter the cabin.
I look around as Rob releases his embrace.
“God. I did it!” I murmur.
“You’re stronger than you think, Amber-Rose.” His voice is so resolute, it’s almost as if I could grasp it, put it in my pocket like a little bible, and bring it to my heart when I need reassurance.
It turns out, it only takes a minute before I need that reassurance. The sensation of having water underneath me still disturbs me. I jump back to Rob, and he catches me, reading my need.
“I trained a couple of SEALs who were afraid of water, and they were some of the best soldiers I knew. Being afraid of something doesn’t mean you’re weak.”
My shame dissipates. A real hero makes other people feel they can do anything—that’s Rob.
“So. You’ll stay?” He looks hopeful.
