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I gasped,jolting from my nightmare, and my heart pounded in my chest as Marcus’s blue eyes, the same shade as mine, haunted me.It was just a dream.My hair stuck to my sweat-soaked neck, and the breeze from the open window did nothing to cool me down.
A weight shifted behind me, and I took my first deep breath in days. Lucas had been avoiding me since Marcus’s funeral. I pressed my palm against the constant ache in my sternum and shoved down the emotions waiting to take me over. I wasn’t ready to face them, not when it would mean it was real. Instead, I took a deep breath, focusing on the man behind me. He’d been missing since that night. I’d barely glimpsed him at the wake before he disappeared again.
I rolled over, wrapping my arms around his waist, and buried my face in his back when Jax’s familiar scent filled my nose. I froze, sucking in a deep breath, and swallowed my whimper. It was wrong, it was all wrong. His shoulders were large but smaller than I expected, and his hair was scruffy around the back of his neck.
I shifted away and rose on my palm. Jax was curled on his side, fully clothed above the blankets. He turned to face me, gray eyes meeting mine.
It was hard to take my next breath. He didn’t come. Lucas always came. “Where is he?”
Jax didn’t need me to clarify. He just shook his head, his sad eyes on mine. “He couldn’t make it.”
I twisted toward the window to look directly into Lucas’s room, but it was closed, with the curtains drawn over. Anger was like acid in my gut as all my understanding burned away.
“Everyone needs to stop lying to me right now. Where’s Lucas, Jax?”
Jax swallowed but shook his head again. “He’s not coming.”
My brain became fuzzy, unable to process what he was saying. I crawled out of bed, grabbing an extra-large sweater off my dresser that nearly swallowed me whole, and made my way quietly to the back of the house. I knew Lucas was mourning. Iwas mourning, but we couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this. I was done waiting. If he was too scared to talk to me, then I was going to go to him.
I knew where their extra key was. I’d just slip in and comfort him for once. I pushed open the back door a little too hard and nearly stumbled into the form sitting on the steps.
Lucas looked broken, with overgrown stubble and a wrinkled shirt, but his body was rigid, unmoving. He didn’t greet me when I walked around to face him, and I nearly gasped at the cold, hard look in his eyes. My lip trembled, but I wasn’t giving up on this. “Say something,” I pleaded.
Like I hadn’t said anything, Lucas stood and replied with an angry question of his own. “Did Jax not go up to you?”
“What are you talking about?” Confused tears pooled in my eyes.
He reached a hand to my face but dropped it before I could feel the warmth of his touch. “I sent Jax to stay with you in case you had a nightmare.”
“You heard it?” The night bugs were too loud, buzzing in my ears as I tried to work out what was happening.He’d heard me having a nightmare and sent Jax?
Lucas’s gaze softened, and the pain I saw had a hole forming in my chest before he turned cold right in front of me. His muscles flexed, and his face hardened like he was going to war, but the only person here was me.
“What’s happening?” My voice was weak.
“I’m leaving for Windsor in the morning.” He said it without any emotion. Like him moving two hours away a month early was no big deal. Like leaving me right now was nothing to him.
I sucked in a breath, shaking my head no. “I can’t go yet.”
“I know. You’re going to stay here.” He took a step back toward his house, and the cool air filled the distance between us.
“Why?” My voice broke, and a crack showed in his cold façade.
“I can’t stay here.” He shook his head and took another step back as if he needed the distance between us. “It’s too hard.”
My brows pinched together. There was something off in his words. “It’s too hard to be here with me?”
He looked away, inhaling through his nose before looking back at me. “Yes.”
“You said—”
He squared his shoulder, and his jaw tightened. “I lied.”
I’d taken a few volleyballs to the face, but nothing had ever stung the way those two words did. “But we…”
“I fucked up, okay?” He huffed out a breath that was like a mockery of irritation. Like he was doing the gesture, but it didn’t feel right with his posture. “That night shouldn’t have happened. It was a mistake. I’m sorry.”
I stumbled, and my back hit the doorjamb. He moved to catch me, but I flinched. “How can you say that?”
