AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Would I do things differently, given the choice?
Nope.
CHAPTER NINE
I spend the next two days packing up my stuff in anticipation of the dismissal that’s sure to come. I consider going to class and even studying a bit, but what’s the point? It’s over. My time here is up. It was nice while it lasted.
I made a good effort at getting my college education. I was going to be the first in my family to do so. I got close, only to blow it a year from being done.
If that’s not fucking stupid, I don’t know what is.
Truth is, I know I didn’t do what I did just to get the guys to tutor me. Sure, that was a nice benefit. A very nice benefit. I found out I can actually tackle a subject like calculus.
I did it because I am intrigued by and maybe even doubtful that any man would basically give up his life for God. What makes someone do that, walk away from all physical and emotional comforts, the ones most of us spend our lives in pursuit of?
And then there’s the challenge. Can all my seductive powers change their minds?
Ugh. Idiot.
How freaking big-headed, vain, conceited, and selfish of me to think that, one, I have the right to get in the way of someone’s chosen path, and two, that I have that much power over anybody? Who the hell am I, but some girl who can’t get through calculus?
And to make things worse, I’ve gotten… attached to the guys. I crave their company, their friendship, their touch.
A sentiment not shared in return. Sadly and devastatingly. I haven’t seen them since the evening they ran out my door like their pants were on fire. Not in the dining hall, not in the library, not even walking around campus. It’s like they disappeared.
Have they been kicked out, like I will be? Are they long gone, having packed up and split in the middle of the night to avoid the shame? And if so, why the hell couldn’t they have said something? Maybe let me know? I deserve at least that much. Or does the fact that they’re headed for seminary give them some special dispensation?
My mother will be calling me at any moment, ready to gloat, I know, because this weird school still calls students’ parents like we’re in freaking middle school or something. They will have explained what happened, and demand they come remove my evil ass from their pristine campus before I spread the devil’s contagion that’s no doubt polluting my soul.
They’ll probably power wash my room with holy water to exorcise it of my sins, glad to have someone like me, a reminder of God’s lost lambs, out of sight.
As if the very prospect would lead everyone around me astray like a contagious disease.
I’ll head home, alone, having ruined my future, at least for the time being, forgotten by the three men I haven’t been able to stop thinking about since the first time they invited me to have dinner with them.
I pause loading my clothes into plastic garbage bags, the only luggage I could find on such short notice. I can hardly see, my eyes flooded with tears. A moment later, I’m doubled over, sobbing, hoping my roommate doesn’t return anytime soon.
I’m in need of a good cry, and there’s no it stopping now.
Matthew, John, and Thomas made me feel smart and beautiful. I was important to them, at least I think I was. And now it’s over. Just when things were getting started.
Or were they?
Sharing the bare minimum of my feelings sent them running. What was I thinking, that they were going to drop to their knees and ask me to marry them? How stupid could I be? I was just a way station for them, an opportunity to sow the last of their wild oats before they started their journey toward spreading God’s word.
I hadn’t intended to fall for them.
Not that it matters now.
I followed my heart—and libido—and fucked up my life. I have no one to blame but myself. What a waste.
A silly, goddamn waste.
I lie on my bed curled up in a ball and wait for the tears to subside. I’m a gross, snotty mess, I am sure, with rivers of black mascara pooled under my eyes.
What does it matter?
What does anything matter?
