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“When he was just over a year Cynthia told me Zach wasn’t mine. She’d had a falling out with her boyfriend and had rebounded with me. The other man was back and he wanted Cindy and his baby. I fought it, but the DNA test proved the baby was his. I had no recourse but to divorce her and let them go. I never saw either of them again.”
Cath stopped and stared at him, her heart heavy with his story. It wasn’t as final as death, but the result was the same. Trace never saw his baby boy again.
Then she thought it through. Panic flared. She was not giving up her baby to anyone—even its father.
“I’m sorry about Zach. I can see why you want some assurance that you’ll be a part of this baby’s life,” she began.
“I want all parental rights to this child. If I have to fight for them, I will,” Trace said, his eyes dark and hard.
“You don’t need to fight. I thought you wouldn’t want to be tied down. Of course you can have time with your baby.” She bit her lip. “But as an infant, he won’t be much company. He’ll need care and nurturing and his mother.”
“I want to spend time at all stages until I am an old man and die. Do you know what it’s like to love a child and have him snatched away and never even hear about him? I don’t know if that man is a good father to him. If Zach is happy. Does he like sports, or is he more scientific? Does he do well in school or is it a struggle? Is he as tall as I am now or still a gawky in between stage? I don’t know and I never will.”
She could hear the pain in his voice. For a moment the full ramifications of their act hit her. They had made a baby together and forever would be tied to each other through their child. They both wanted the baby, and wanted the best for him or her. Yet fear coursed through her. She wanted to be with her child. She couldn’t bear the thought of Trace fighting her for custody.
“So if I go to Brussels, the baby will live thousands of miles from San Francisco,” she said.
Would that provide a layer of safety?
He took a deep breath.
“The Brussels assignment is up in the air. I want to be with you when the baby is born.”
Cath stared at him in dismay.
“We don’t have that kind of relationship. We ended things, right? You did. I have made plans.”
“You’ll need to change them. I’m changing my plans for the future for the sake of the baby, you’ll have to as well.”
“But I’m moving in January. I’ve been planning for this opportunity for years. Over ten years, Trace. You can’t take that away. I’ve worked hard for the promotion. It’s already been promised.”
“I’m not taking anything away, just postponing. Think about it a minute. You’re going to be having your first child at age thirty-eight. You’re going to want your mother there. You’ll want to share this baby with your family and friends. I sure want my parents to know this baby, to love him or her. I want to be there—to bond with my child. And to know he can never be taken away from me. Living in Belgium would create a hardship for everybody. Not to mention I think it’d be a hardship on you having to do everything on your own without family and friends around. If you wait until the baby is a year or two old—”
“A year or two? I thought you just said until the baby was born.”
Cath was growing more upset. Her longed-for promotion looked as if it were going up in flames.
“Let me finish. Once the baby’s old enough to attend a good day care it would be easier for you to make that move.”
“And who decides that? You?”
He nodded.
“Maybe. I’ll want liberal visitation rights throughout the child’s life. Maybe even joint custody. I’m not giving up this baby.”
“I don’t like it. All the benefits seem to be on your side. What do I get—a delay in my promotion, maybe the chance will fail altogether. Most people want a permanent job, not one as a place holder while I take time out to have a baby.”
What she was also afraid of was that she could grow to like the suggestion. Shewouldlike to be near her mother when the baby was born. She did want her sister and brother and their families to get to know her child and for the child to be loved by everyone. And the baby would enable her to spend more time with Trace.
Though how hard would that be? Wanting to develop some kind of deeper relationship and only be together because of a baby?
A clean break would be easier. But it didn’t look as if anything about this pregnancy was going to be easy.
What would it be like to have Trace spend the baby’s formative months sharing in its growth and development? What exactly did he envision? Everybody would rejoice to have her stay—except her.
She had dreams. A future to build and secure for her child. What of Europe?
“I don’t know that’s the best solution,” she said slowly.
