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“It did?” I asked with a trembling voice. I knew it was a horrible thing to be happy about his pain. I should want him to be happy all the time, but his admittance made me feel relieved. I was not the only one grieving our baby.
I didn’t feel so alone anymore. My husband was at my side. He understood me.
He felt the same pain, but he was also strong enough to carry me. He was always strong enough to carry me, and I told him horrible things because of it.
“Yes,” he said with a raspy voice and touched the cut on my cheek. “I did hurt, Priscilla. Maybe it was not like you did. I am not good at understanding my own emotions, but I hurt. When I saw you like that, I forgot how to breathe. I lost my mind. It has never happened to me.”
I looked at him, stunned. I have never thought he could feel like that. I wanted to give him love but never considered love can hurt like a bitch.
When I didn’t answer, he asked with a pained voice, “Do you believe me?” His voice had never held this much emotion before.
My throat tightened. He told me that he was sad before, but I didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe him even though he never gave me a reason for it. He was always honest with me.
I nodded softly and sniffed again. “I always believe you, Antonio. I never should have said those things.”
“It is normal that you assumed,” he tried to assure me. “I am the Heartless, after all. But you have to know even though I cannot identify them very well, when it comes to you, my emotions work differently.”
My chest tightened at his words. I loved him so much, and if he did have feelings when it came to me, it meant that… “I hurt you, didn’t I?”
He didn’t answer. He flexed his jaw. I could see his struggle. He wanted to assure me, but he also didn’t want to lie.
“I am sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he said with a certain tone. “It would hurt me more than those words. Please don’t be sad.”
I nodded, understanding. Everything was so complicated. Everything was horrible. The only thing that made it bearable was the fact that we were together. He was with me to share my pain, to bear my pain.
Crying in front of him didn’t feel bad. With him, I didn’t feel like a burden.
I just wanted him closer. “Why are you still not holding me?”
“You are injured,” he answered matter of factly.
“I don’t care. Please hold me.”
He swallowed thickly and moved closer. His arms went around me hesitantly, and he held me so very loosely, trying so hard not to touch anywhere near my injuries.
A small smile appeared on my face. The best smile I could manage at this stage. I buried my face into his naked chest. I snuggled close to him. I hissed with the pain, but it didn’t matter. I needed him to survive this.
Antonio pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Tomorrow, I’ll take you back to our house. Tomorrow everything will be better.”
“Thank you,” I murmured and then kissed his chest. The tears I was holding inside started to flow. I cried as much as I wanted. I cried without restraint. And Antonio held me through all of it. He let me pour my pain into him. He caressed my hair and kissed my skin.
He kept me alive.
Antonio
I knew Priscilla was not going to heal in one day. My chest was still tight with all the ugly emotions. Expecting Priscilla to not have them was absurd. She needed to grieve. We both needed grieving.
Yet I was not expecting her to be this bad. After we talked and she cried into me, I thought we would go on like this. I was not ready for her silence. I was not ready for her to act like a ghost when we went back home.
She didn’t leave our bed for anything other than using the bathroom. She didn’t talk a lot. She read books and watched movies, but her eyes were always so blank. I have witnessed her looking at the same page on the book for half an hour. I have seen her sleep with her eyes open as she watched Pretty Woman.
Nothing could make her happy.
When I came to bed, she snuggled me. She always wanted me close, but her body wasn’t like before. She didn’t try to get my affection. She didn’t cry. She didn’t do anything. She only held onto me with her limp body.
I didn’t know how to approach her. I didn’t know how to make it better for her.
