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Because when it came to me, it was different. He had emotions for me. He just couldn’t figure it out. Emotions gave him chaos.
I wish I could smoothen it out for him.
I also knew Antonio was not going to work because of me. I really hated keeping him away for so long. He was working from home, but he probably needed to leave at one point.
Since he was not going to leave me easily, I made a plan. Instead of just telling him I was okay, I invited Mia and Bella to the penthouse. I told Antonio he had to leave because it was going to be a girls' meeting. He was a little skeptical at first but then accepted leaving while they were here. I knew if he didn’t trust Mia and Bella, he would not leave at all.
I liked that he was close to his family, but it also made me get mad at them for never helping Antonio with his inner fights. I tried not to think of it much.
It made me angry.
Having Bella and Mia was also good, even though they never felt like Kira and Beatrice. They were just fun. They were just what I had.
Yet when they came this time, I felt like I was really surrounded by family. Even though they never helped Antonio, they helped me. When they called and texted after the attack, I thought they were only doing it out of kindness, but it was not that. They were actually worried about me. They actually wanted to be there for me.
They let me speak, and they let me stay silent. Mia told me how until a few months ago, she and Salvatore were trying for a baby too. She was very irregular because of her PCOS, and almost every month, she had heart-break over negative tests.
I understood that pain well and having her close felt good. I was not very prone to burden people with my pain but even spending time with them had a positive effect.
It was better than looking at a screen with dead eyes all day. Being surrounded by family was good for healing. Without them, I could not have done it.
Now I still went numb sometimes. It usually happened when I was alone with Antonio. He helped me through it. He held me, kissed me, healed me.
Yet there was one problem. It made me more anxious than anything else. My head was full of negative thoughts regarding that. I couldn’t stop worrying about it. As I stood under the raining shower, it came again because Antonio stepped inside the bathroom.
It was not a problem. We used this bathroom together. We never had a problem being here at the same time. I almost never even closed the door. There was no need.
But Antonio acted like there was. He stood at the doorway and didn’t look towards the shower at all. “Is it okay if I brush my teeth?”
Why wouldn’t it be? It made me crazy. So crazy that my voice broke as I answered, “Of course.”
He moved to the sink and started brushing his teeth. My eyes darted his way while I was finishing my shower. He looked so beautiful, so strong. And he never looked at me once. I tried not to lose my hope and stepped out of the shower naked. His eyes came to me probably because of the sound. All my body filled with tingles, but it only lasted a second because after that second, Antonio looked away.
Just like he always did after the attack.
I wished I could see his crotch. Was he even hard? He looked at my naked body like it was nothing. He never noticed me anymore. He never gave me attention. For hours he held me in his arms and gave me kisses, but they were never sexual. It was almost like anything remotely sexual ended between us.
I wanted to know why. I was also afraid to know why because I had guesses. I had horrible guesses, and I was scared one of them might be the truth.
Despite the horror going on like this was worse. I had to ask him.
After I wrapped a towel around me, I stepped closer to him. His head was bowed, washing his mouth from the toothpaste. When he saw me standing there, he turned his huge, half-naked body towards mine. In the past, he would have checked out my body. He would have kissed my cleavage or slapped my ass. He would have even taken the towel away and fucked me.
Now he did none of it. He didn’t even look at my body.
My throat tightened, but I kept the tears away. I’d cried enough. “Why don’t you look at me?” I asked.
Antonio’s brows came together. “I am looking at you.”
I shook my head. “No, you don’t. You don’t look at me, and you don’t touch me.”
“I really don’t understand.”
“Since the attack, you haven’t touched me, Antonio.” My chest felt too heavy. “Is it because I lost the baby?” I couldn’t stop thinking about that question. Maybe sex with me made him remember that. Maybe he didn’t trust me pregnant, and since he didn’t want to get me pregnant, there was no need to have sex.
Maybe I was just a failed vessel for him. It was perfectly logical.
Antonio stepped closer and cupped my face with his big hands. His golden eyes were soft for me. “Priscilla,” he whispered, and my name felt like a caress in his tongue. “Of course not. It has nothing to do with it.”
