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I would have preferred to do it myself. It was never easy being here, but it would be more comfortable. At least I knew what I was going to feel as I laid those flowers on the ground. With Priscilla, it was unpredictable. The logical thing was to do it myself.
Unfortunately, my logic didn’t work here.
“You can do it,” I answered as I handed her the white roses. My mother’s favorite.
Priscilla gave me a smile that melted my insides, now more than ever. Then she grabbed the roses and got down next to the tombstone. She very carefully put down the roses on the ground. She did it like she could hurt something. She did it like me. She cared about something even though there was nothing logical to care about.
Her green eyes lifted to the tombstone from the flowers, and her delicate fingers reached for the words. “Rosetta,” she murmured to herself as her hands traced every letter.
My chest tightened. It felt like the rose tattoo under my ribs had grown thorns, and they were stabbing me right on my heart. Priscilla was the only person who created chaos inside me after my mom died. She was the undoing of everything I was unable to understand.
Seeing her this close to the grave almost made me feel dizzy. The woman who can give me emotions so close to where all my emotions lay dead.
She looked up from her place on the ground, her eyes shiny. “Rosetta,” she repeated. The name sounded like a hurricane coming from her lips. It was apocalypse waiting to happen.
Priscilla got back on her feet, and I instinctively helped her up. Then I put a hand on her waist. I needed to hold onto her. I needed to feel her. Amongst everything, I felt at this moment the most important one was her.
Her hand went to my chest over my heart. “The roses were for her,” she guessed, and she was right. My mother’s mark stayed there on my body. On my ribs.
Suddenly I didn’t care about the roses. I wanted to ink Priscilla’s name on my skin. It felt so right. Roses were my sickness, and her name held the power to heal me. I needed it.
Right under her palm.
Right over my heart.
Right where it belonged.
“This place makes me feel, Priscilla,” I managed to say as my hand closed over hers on my chest. “This is where my emotions are buried.”
Her green eyes turned so unbelievably soft. I wondered if there was anything more beautiful than her in the entire world. It seemed unlikely.
“Does it hurt?” she asked like my hurt would hurt her too.
I considered it for a second and shook my head. I couldn’t feel hurt when she was by my side, healthy and happy. “It confuses me.”
“Maybe it is doing the exact opposite. Maybe it is helping you unravel things you are incapable of doing away from here. Maybe it is giving you the real answers.”
My jaw flexed. I wished it was that easy. “Even if it does, I cannot understand it. My emotions are here, and even when I am close to them, I cannot tell them apart. My brain is unable to understand them.”
Priscilla smiled. “You don’t have to.” Her arms came around me and pressed our bodies together. “Just feel. Don’t even think. Let it consume you.”
I also considered that. I looked at her beautiful face. That little smile destroyed me like nothing else. This place always made everything intense, but it also made me feel human. It reminded me of the boy I once was. It made me feel like someone who deserved Priscilla.
“I am glad you came with me,” I said out of nowhere. My eyes were transfixed on hers. She annoyed me, she burned my insides, she made me fucking uncomfortable, but still, I was always pleased to have her close.
It was the biggest mystery.
“I am glad too.” She kissed the line of my jaw. “It is important to you. I know it is hard for you.”
“This place makes me feel human. It is always an internal battle, but this place somehow helps. It is intense.”
She tightened her hold around me. Her eyes seemed worried, but her affection almost drowned it out. “You don’t have to fight that battle alone.”
In the end, I was, but I understood what she was referring to. “I told you. Now, it is better.”
“Have you told anyone else?” she asked. Her voice was sad. I hated sadness on her. She was my joy.
I pushed a strand of golden hair away from her face. I kissed her cheeks and then her lips. I wanted her to smile again. I needed the warmth of the sun. “I never wanted to tell anyone but you.”
