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She looked away, lost in thought. “I don’t like that you have gotten used to it.”
“But you did it too,” I answered. Turning the topic into her was a safe zone. Also, I found talking about her more interesting.
Priscilla looked at me with furrowed brows. “What do you mean?”
I softened those wrinkles on her forehead with my thumb. I couldn’t stop touching her. “You have gotten over your mother’s death. You never talk about it. It must hurt you, but you accepted it. Why can’t I accept mine?”
She shook her head, pulling back, but I kept her close. “This is very different. My mother’s death affected me, but I am still trying to get over it. I just keep it inside.”
“Why do you do that?” She was always so bright, so happy. She seemed like a woman who had never lived through anything hurtful. I knew it was wrong.
The ones with the biggest smiles were usually the ones that carried the biggest pain.
Priscilla looked down, but her hands latched onto my skin like she wanted to use me as a shield against all her bad memories. “I just don’t want to burden anyone with my presence. They don’t have to be sad because of my pain. I don’t want to be a liability.”
“Priscilla,” I said, cupping her cheek. I looked into those green eyes. I had never thought a person was perfect until her. She was hurt deep inside, but she was perfect. No one could ever compare to my wife.
“I am sorry,” she sniffed.
I kissed her lips. I usually kissed her because I was turned on or because it made her happy. This time it was for me. This time there was no logical reason for that kiss. It was just a want. “You and I are very similar,” I told her with a small smile, a real one. “We both don’t want to burden people. We want to keep our friends and family happy and safe. Yet you are so much better than me in every way.”
Priscilla shook her head and started,” No…”
I didn’t let her. I stopped her with another meaningless kiss. I cupped her face with both hands carefully. “You are perfect in every way, Priscilla. I can never be that. The most I can come close to perfection is having you. You are my path to anything good.”
A tear slid down her porcelain cheek, but she was smiling. She fluttered her eyes to keep the tears in. For a second, I was afraid she was going to say those words. I could not take it. I could not say it back because I promised to never lie to her. I have already given her the most I could do. She made me feel, but I could never know what it was.
I have never learned what love really was. The love I felt for Rosetta was different than what Priscilla made me feel. I have only known what Priscilla did to me, and it meant more than any other emotion I could name.
“I will always be yours, Antonio,” she whispered. Not like a secret but like an oath. “I will doanythingfor you.”
And I kissed her hard. I was not good at feelings, but to my brain, it sounded stronger than a declaration of love. Those were cheap. Putting anything on the line for someone was much more intense.
I knew I would do anything for her too. I would burn the world to the ground just so I could make her smile. It was so illogical, so meaningless. It was against everything I believed.
It was chaos inside my veins.
But as she rested her head against my chest and touched my non-existent heart, I couldn’t care even a bit. All I could care about was Priscilla and nothing else.
Priscilla
It was the best night I have ever had. I almost couldn’t fall asleep because I was smiling so much. Nothing could ruin this.
When Antonio told me all those things, my heart was about to burst out of my ribcage. It was beautiful. He didn’t share anything about his work with me, but he gave me something even more special. He gave me something very personal.
For the first time outside of sex, I felt like we were really a couple. We were able to communicate. We didn’t need to fuck all the time. It was amazing.
His words were enough for me. I could see his inner fight better. Even though he didn’t tell me anything about love, I was sure he was in love with me. He was just confused about it. He was so used to his emotionless self that he was afraid of admitting his emotions.
He was afraid of listening to his heart because he was convinced that it didn’t exist.
I knew I could change that. I knew one day he could admit loving me. I just needed to work my magic on him. I just needed to guide him to love me the same way I did for him to marry me.
He was going to be in a good mood anyway. I had all the resources in my hand. Tonight during our alone time, I was going to tell him that I was pregnant.
He was going to be vulnerable because of our baby, and then I was going to ask him to take me to his mother’s grave. I was going to use all the existing emotions in him to make him love me.
It was the perfect plan.
