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She nodded, tears not stopping. “I am sorry, Valerio.”
I wanted to punch something. I would kill a whole army with my bare hands only to take Verona’s guilt away. Seeing her like this always made me so angry. I wanted to keep her safe from everything, but these episodes reminded me I failed. I couldn’t protect my sister.
I was so fucking angry, but I couldn’t be harsh towards her. I had to calm her. I had to fix this.
Without letting Verona look down at her legs again, I gathered her in my arms. I pressed her face into the crook of my neck to shield her from the blood that could trigger her so easily. My legs moved towards the bathroom almost automatically. Even though this didn’t happen for a while, I was used to it for years. I knew what I had to do.
It didn’t make it easier, though.
In the darkness, I saw Luce’s small form. She was looking at us with wide eyes. She looked worried but also terrified. I understood how this might look to someone who didn’t know. I didn’t want anyone to ever see Verona like this. I knew how embarrassed she would be. I knew she was going to feel horrible knowing Luce saw her.
I hated myself a little bit more for letting this. I should have told Luce to stay away. I should have prepared her for this. Now Verona was embarrassed, and my wife was probably terrorized. It only made me angrier.
My jaw flexed, and with a harsh voice, I said, “Go to your room, Luce.” I never wanted to use that voice with her, but I was not in control of my body. My brain was throbbing inside my head. From my peripheral, I saw her flinch but couldn’t even care at the moment. I was just focused on getting all this blood off of Verona. I was also not sure how bad her bleeding was. I had to be fast.
When I got inside the bathroom, I closed the toilet seat and made Verona sit on top of it. I turned her head away. “Keep it that way.” She did, but her whole body was trembling, and blood was still coming out of the cuts on her legs. I knew under all that red, her skin was filled with scars from many previous cuts.
I put a washcloth under warm water to soak and bent down to gather the first aid kit. I mostly kept it for this occasion anyway. When I got up with the kit, a shadow appeared in the doorway. I looked at Luce. She seemed calmer, but her eyes went to Verona for a second, and her bottom lip trembled.
It made me furious. I didn’t want her to look at Verona. I didn’t want anyone to look at her. No one was supposed to know.
That little tremble in her lips made my dizzy brain see red.
“Can I hel…” she started, but I didn’t let her finish.
“No!” I shouted. “Leave us alone. Fucking leave, Luce!”
Her breath hitched, but she didn’t fight me. She didn’t attack me. “Okay,” she murmured and left soundlessly.
For a second, some common sense bloomed in me. I felt horrible for shouting at her. She didn’t do anything. She didn’t deserve my wrath. I wanted to go and apologize. I felt awful for upsetting a person I loved.
But then Verona hiccupped between her cries, and my focus went back to her. No matter how bad I felt, I couldn’t think of myself. Verona needed me. Nothing could come before her. She was hurting because of me. It was my responsibility to fix this.
I shook off my guilt and gave all my attention to Verona. I got on my knees and cleaned her legs thoroughly. Most of the cuts were shallow, and a bandage would work, but one on her outer thigh was deep, and as I cleaned it, more blood came out of it. I just hoped she didn’t lose too much blood. I didn’t like taking her to a hospital, and when I called for our private doctor, I always had to make up some kind of lie about her situation. It was a hassle making sure he was not going to say anything about it to Sal.
Salvatore didn’t know. No one knew but me, Verona, and Bianca.
We would not tell Bianca, but she had her own pain to share with us. We were connected by our traumas we told her when we were younger. We didn’t tell anyone else. Verona wanted to tell our siblings at the beginning, but I didn’t let her. I couldn’t let them bear the guilt as well. I knew it would hurt Mia, and Sal would blame himself like I did for years. Even Isabella would find something to feel guilty about it. I couldn’t do that. I had already caused Verona pain; I had to protect the rest of my family in some way.
“I have to stitch this,” I said, pressing down at the cut. Verona nodded without looking down. I did patch myself before, but my experience mostly came from dealing with Verona’s cuts.
When I pierced the skin, I asked, “Does it hurt” like I always did.
And Verona answered the same as always, “I don’t feel it anymore.”
I didn’t know if it was all the scar tissue or the fact that she got used to the pain by cutting herself so much, but Verona didn’t mind physical pain. She used to be a sensitive kid, but after that dark day, so much has changed about my sister.
After stitching her leg up, I bandaged it. Verona was still crying, but she was silent. I knew she was just in her head. She was out of her intense episode, but the pain was still there. I also knew it was best not to talk to her at this point. So I stayed silent as I carried her to one of the guest rooms. I put her to bed, covered her, and let her hold my hand until I was sure she had fallen asleep. “I am sorry,” she whispered again before sleep captured her. I only kissed her knuckles as an answer.
I didn’t close her door all the way, but the second I stepped out of the room, guilt filled all my existence. Now that Verona was okay, I realized what an asshole I had been to Luce. I worked so hard to win her, and with my anger, I managed to fuck it all up.
I was not angry anymore. I was just sad. I was also overwhelmed. I felt so tired.
With the intention of apologizing, I went to Luce’s room, but she was not there. It looked the same as when I left it earlier. Then I checked the living room and the kitchen. Every empty room gave me more dread. I was worried, and I just wanted to scream. I wanted to scream because I failed my sister, and I wanted to scream because I failed my wife.
Even breathing hurt.
After checking all the rooms downstairs, I climbed the stairs. Then I saw the light coming from my room. It didn’t even make sense. I was almost sure that I left it on when I opened the door, but that was not the case. I saw Luce sitting on my bed, wringing her fingers nervously.
