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“Are we going to talk?” He asked.
My heart felt like it was going to rip my chest open. I could even feel the faint tinnitus starting. “Of course we will,” I said nervously. “But can we do it later? I am late to class.” I need to get away.
“You don’t have classes on Fridays.”
“Oh, it is actually a study session. I promised to be there like fifteen minutes ago. I should leave.”
Valerio’s jaw flexed. “Then why did you offer to cook for me?”
Because I am stupid. I was really going to cry. “I forgot.”
He looked like he didn’t believe a word from my mouth. “Okay,” he said with a weak voice. “I’ll see you later then.”
I nodded quickly. “Yes, definitely.” Then I turned to the door. Valerio made a move to kiss me goodbye, but there was no way I could do that. I couldn’t let him kiss me until he knew everything about me. I couldn’t take advantage of him, so I avoided his kiss and almost ran away from the apartment.
The second elevator doors closed behind me I started crying. I couldn’t hold it in. I felt so hopeless. I felt so scared. I didn’t want to lose Valerio, but I knew I couldn’t live forever with this secret. Keeping it was going to hurt more.
I left the building without even letting my bodyguard know. I was not seeing anything. I just walked quickly to a closeby park, sat down on a bench, and kept crying. My ears rang, my eyes burned, and my chest felt so tight for my heart. I didn’t know what was happening to me, but I knew I deserved it for tricking Valerio.
I pressed down my chest, trying to slow down my crazy heart. I felt horrible about everything. I felt like there was not enough oxygen in my lungs. Without thinking, I reached for my phone. I dialed without even thinking.
“Hello,” a soft voice came from the phone, and I bawled even harder.
“Sofia,” I cried. “I think I am going to die.”
“What? Where are you? What happened?”
“I am a fake.”
She didn’t even hear me. “Luce, are you safe? Don’t give me a heart attack.”
I was probably the one that was having a heart attack. “I have to tell him, Sofia. I don’t know how.”
“That’s all?” She asked with a relieved tone. Was she dumb? This was a big problem.
“I can’t breathe,” I said in tears. “I cannot have him hate me, Sofia. Please help me.”
“Luce, please be calm. Try to breathe, darling, okay?”
“I. Can't.”
She sighed on the other side, and I hoped I didn’t make her hate me in the process as well. “Luce, he is not going to hate you,” she said, and my chest felt just a bit lighter. “What if the roles were reversed? Would you hate him if he was in your position?”
“No,” I answered quickly. “Never. I would accept it. I would help him.”
“Exactly,” she said.
I didn’t know if her words made sense. My body was still in high alert mode, and my tears still didn’t stop. “It is different,” I said, even though I was not sure in what way. My brain just couldn’t accept the fact that this was not a disaster.
“Luce,” Sofia said in a harsh voice. “It is not different at all. He cannot shame you for what you did in the past. It is not a horrible secret. If he doesn’t accept it, he doesn’t deserve to love you, okay? Even if he hurts you, I will be here, but I don’t think he will. I don’t think Valerio is the type of person who would hate you for such a thing. Please just tell him, and if he reacts badly, then that is on him, not on you.”
I closed my eyes, processing her words. I tried to focus on my breathing. My heart was better now, but I was still trembling a bit. I tried to calm myself down by repeating her words. I wanted to believe she was right. I had to. I have always been strong, and I was not going to stop now. I had to face Valerio.
I had to trust him like he trusted me.
“I will tell him,” I said softly into the phone. “Thank you, Sofia.” Then without waiting for an answer, I ended the call. I got on my feet and ran back to the apartment. I knew I looked horrible and I was not in the best state, but running away was not going to make me get better.
I had to do this.
