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My sight got blurry. “I want to do those every day.”
“Valerio,” she said, pressing herself to me. She looked so helpless. “What can I do? Please tell me how I can help. My heart hurts.”
“You even helped by listening, Luce.” I never thought I would ever be able to tell those to anyone. I never thought I could have what I had with Luce. “Even your presence helps to silence the voices in my head. Just stay in my arms tonight. Tomorrow we can speak.”
She nodded soundlessly and put down her head over my chest. I hugged her close as she kept crying into my skin and closed my eyes. As I held her, I thought about how much I loved her and how good I felt for sharing this with her, and no voice told me how real men would not feel like that.
The only thing in my head was Luciana.
Chapter 33
Luciana
I scrubbed the pan as hard as I could. I didn’t think I ever willingly washed dishes, but I had to focus on something. I actually cooked eggs on this pan beforehand too. I was sure they sucked, but Verona ate them without saying anything. Actually, she didn’t say anything all morning. I could tell she was embarrassed about last night, and that reminded me of what Valerio told me.
His words kept filling my head. Even when I tried to focus on something else, the ache in my heart didn’t subdue. I couldn’t ignore the fact that someone hurt Valerio that much.
I couldn’t bear it.
But I tried. I offered Verona breakfast, and she accepted it. I also tried to have a conversation so she would not feel nervous, but I quickly realized I was just talking to myself. So I ended up just making her eggs. She did eat them and left without saying anything.
If I didn’t see her last night or listened to Valerio’s story, I might have thought it was rude, but I didn’t care. As long as she was conscious and calm, it was all okay. She didn’t have to have a conversation with me. I just wanted her to be okay.
And I wanted Valerio to be okay. I felt so sad, and more than that, I felt completely useless. What happened to him pained me more than anything, but I couldn’t do anything. I had no way of changing the past.
I hated that.
“Luce,” a voice came behind me, and I jumped, splashing water all around me.
When I turned, I saw a confused-looking Valerio. He also still looked a bit sleepy. I forced a smile on my face. “You are awake.” He usually woke before me, but he was tired this morning. I didn’t want to bother him, so I left the bed silently in the morning. “Want me to cook you breakfast?”
One of his eyebrows lifted, and he stepped closer. “You are going to cook?”
“Yes,” I said, feeling silly. “I already cooked for Verona. Right now, I am washing dishes.”
“Verona woke up?”
“She ate and then left for her apartment. She seemed better than last night.”
“That’s good,” he murmured, and then his eyes looked me up and down. He especially stayed a long time on my awkward smile. “You are acting weird.”
I definitely was. I was so nervous I didn’t know how to act in front of him. I knew we were going to talk this morning, and I knew Valerio said I didn’t need to tell him anything in return, but I really did.
I had to tell him, but after knowing his secret, I was not sure how he was going to react.
Honestly, even before he told me, I could see how serious it was. I knew it hurt him a lot, but secretly, selfishly, I was hoping for it to be something bad. It was, in fact, bad, but not in the way I hoped for. It was something horrible that happened to Valerio and Verona, but both of them had no blame for it. They did nothing wrong to go through that. The story only made me see him in a better light for being so strong and always taking care of his sister. Knowing he trusted me enough to share it with me made me love him even more.
That secret only showed me Valerio was a survivor, and my story was not something like that. My story was actually shameful. I actually did bad things, and the effects were still here. Valerio’s secret didn’t change our now, but mine had the potential to do that.
That’s why I was scared of talking to him. I was scared that he was going to react badly, and as a result, I acted much weirder than usual. I felt like a fraud because, for a long time, we knew we both had secrets and now I was nervous that he thought my secret was similar to his. I thought maybe he only showed me this much affection because he didn’t realize I was harboring something dark.
I felt like I was taking advantage of him, and I hated that.
The only way to get rid of this feeling was to tell him, but I couldn’t shake off my terror yet. “I am sorry,” I said only.
“It is okay,” Valerio answered. He still looked confused, but there was also something like disappointment in his eyes. Maybe he was able to see my secrets.
Or maybe I was going crazy from hyperventilation.
