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“Listen,” I squeeze her hand. “Whatever you decide, I’ll support you. But if you do decide to keep the baby, I’ll be here for you in whatever way you need me to be.”
Her gaze softens, and her cheeks pinken. “For a guy in shock, you sound pretty ready to be a dad.”
I shrug slightly. “Well, uh, the thing is, I already am one.”
I feel her hand stiffen as her little smile drops. “You…you have a kid already?”
I nod and she narrows her blue eyes at me.
“Why are you just now telling me this?”
I scoff. “When would I have had the time? We went from fighting to fucking the last time we saw each other.”
She opened her mouth to dispute that, then stopped herself. I could see she was regrouping a little. “You are not married, are you?”
“No,” I reassure her. “His mom decided not to be in the picture. It’s a really long and boring story and not really the point right now, is it?”
She doesn’t say anything for a moment. She’s looking down at her hands for a moment, thinking. Then she asks, “Tell me about him.”
I raise my eyebrows slightly. “Well…his name is Martin. He’s four years old and…he has my eyes and his mom’s blonde hair. He’s a pretty amazing kid.” I can’t help but smile from ear to ear.
“He sounds wonderful.”
“He is. You know, when I found out my ex was pregnant, I wasn’t exactly ready to be a dad any more than you’re probably ready to be a mom. But once he was here…” I’m thinking of the first time I held Martin in my arms. He was so tiny I thought I was going to break him.
“Once he was here,” I went on, “I realized that I would do anything in this world for him. Having him in my life just kind of changed everything, you know? I realized I had to buckle down and be responsible because if I wasn’t…”I’d be just like my parents.I didn’t say it aloud. It was like invoking their name would bring all the misfortune of my childhood back to me.
“The bottom line is that who I decide to be is going to color who he’ll become and I didn’t want to mess that up…and I don’t want to mess this up either. Sarah, I swear to you, if you keep this baby, then I’m going to be the best father in the world to them.”
Sarah’s eyes fill with a mix of emotions I can’t quite pinpoint, but a smile curves her gorgeous lips showing happiness and excitement shining through.
“Okay.” She sniffs back a tear.
I look into her watery eyes and return the smile on her face. “Okay as in you’re going to keep the baby or…”
“I’m going to need a lot of help,” she said. “You’ve got a four-year head start on me.”
“You’ve got it.”
We hug each other tightly, and I can’t stop smiling. I’m excited to start this new chapter in our lives as parents. I know there will be challenges ahead, but I’m ready to face them with Sarah. Surely, she’ll be a present and nurturing mother. She always had so much love to give.
I lean in and touch her stomach gently. “Hey, there, little guy,” I say to her taut belly. “Get ready to be a part of the best family in the world.”
I already feel a strong connection to the little life growing inside of Sarah and I know I’ll do everything in my power to be the best father I can be. I feel incredibly lucky and grateful to be able to start a family with Sarah. And admittedly, I don’t know what that means for us in terms of a relationship…but I can hope, right?
From there, we started talking about what was next. Prenatal visits, baby showers, all the things that come before the baby gets here. We don’t cover anything about co-parenting or what that would be like, but that’s okay. This is only the first day of the rest of our lives.
I can see the excitement in Sarah’s eyes. It feels like this is the beginning of something truly special, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us. She really seems happy about all this…at least, I hope she is.
As far as forgiveness for me and where I fit into all this in terms of a relationship…well, one thing at a time.
Six years ago…
All I want to do is forget.
My mom ends the call crying after telling me that dad has passed. Sudden heart attack. He just dropped dead one day after church. No one saw it coming. He probably wasn’t even in any pain.
I don’t know what to say. I never had a good relationship with him. He was a cold and emotionless man. A nonexistent father who was there every day when I got home from school. I’m pretty sure he hated the sight of me.
