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I need to be here for her now. I remind myself she isn’t in immediate danger. I leash my need to protect her and rein in my tone. “What happened, Jess?”
The space between us becomes thick as she takes a short breath.
“I can’t answer that question.”
What?Incensed by her sudden defiance, I stand up and move a few inches away from her.
My Jessa was hurt badly enough that she will have these scars for the rest of her life, and she’s refusing to let me in?
How can I help her if she won’t trust me?
There’s my line.
I won’t allow her to keep this from me.
My anger boils dangerously close to the surface. I’m pissed right off at Maxwell. He will pay for this. But I’m also angry at Jessa, and I never wanted to be.
“This? You’re choosing not to answer this? Why not?” There’s no hiding my anger and disappointment.
“I didn’t saywon’t, Jack. I saidcan’t. I can’t answer it because I don’t remember!”
I pause to let her words register, and as my body deflates, the severity of her situation sinks in.
Her interrogation with Logan went horribly wrong, and she didn’t remember it the next morning. She blocked out her time with Maxwell for a reason. If the scars on her back are any indication, she suffered a horrible experience at his hands.
But to forget it?
“What do you mean you don’t remember?” I lift my hand to gently touch her, and she doesn’t flinch away.
That’s a good sign.
I take up the space beside her while trying not to crowd her.
She folds her body into me, tightening the blanket around her. She’s held on to this for so long. I’d be surprised if she’s ever allowed Dana to see her scars.
“It’s just that, Jack. I don’t remember. Years ago, when Maxwell had me…I don’t remember a lot of it.” As she starts to open up, I realize she doesn’t want to keep this from me.
She doesn’t want to hide, and I’m comforted by the realization that she trusts me.
“What do you remember?” I lower my voice. I don’t want to lead her too much. I want her to feel her strength. I have a feeling she’s going to need it.
“I remember being taken. The look on Maxwell’s face scared me. It wasn’t the Max we knew. It was like he wasn’t even there. I remember the first part of my interrogation. There were a few people in the room with us. He was asking me questions about Zane. I wouldn’t answer most of them. I couldn’t. But it almost felt like he didn’t care about the answers. He just kept looking at me with such a disgusted look on his face—like I did something horrible to him. At some point, he ordered his men to put me outside, in a cage next to the one that held his dogs. It was cold, and they wouldn’t stop barking and snarling at me every time I moved. I couldn’t lie down; there was dog feces everywhere, so I stood. I tried to stand still so the dogs would stop barking. I remember up until the first night. He came outside with a big plate of steak. I hadn’t eaten since lunch the day before. It was over twenty-four hours, and I was starving. It smelled delicious. He fed it to the dogs, then he left a bowl of dog food in my cage.” She pauses, then looks away from me before finishing her story. “I don’t remember anything after the first night. Just bits and pieces that don’t make sense.”
When she looks back at me, her eyes are wide. It’s taking everything inside me to keep a passive, comforting look plastered on my face.
All I want to do right now is tear something apart.
“Maybe it’s better that I don’t remember.” The tremor in her soft voice breaks me out of my rage.
“I’m so sorry, Jessa.” Hesitantly pulling her close, I shift my body to lay her down on the bed, and I join her. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she’s about to crash hard, and it’s best I let her rest.
“What’s the next thing you remember?” I ask my question with my lips pressed to the top of her head.
“I remember waking up in a room to a man in a doctor’s coat checking my pulse. I wasn’t in a hospital; it was just a room. He worked for Maxwell, but I didn’t see Max again after I woke up. The doctor bandaged me up and took care of me for almost two days until I could leave. It was he who told me it looked like I had some internal damage, and there was a chance I wouldn’t be able to have kids. I confirmed that later at a clinic. I don’t think he was supposed to say anything.
“Then some men came on the second day. They didn’t say anything to me. Just packed me up and drove me into Seattle, to a drop-off point I had apparently arranged with Zane. I don’t remember any of it. Then Dana was there, and we vanished after that.”
I have no words.
