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Her worry is for her friend.
“He just did that—to me. I said no, and he did that. I feel disgusting.” She’s grasping at words, and I won’t allow her current panic to become future voices in her head.
I correct her.
“Disgusted.”
Her thought process breaks. “What?”
“You said you feel disgusting. That is inward. You are not disgusting. You feel disgusted.” I need her to process her thoughts differently, and she needs to own her anger.
“Don’t tell me what I feel, Jack.” Her eyes dart around, searching for her answer.
I have it.
I know what she needs.
She needs to let all of her anger out.
She needs to let go of all of the hurt she’s pushed down, and I know exactly who she needs to start with.
“I feel like I’m drowning. I still don’t remember, but I—I don’t know how to fix this.” She meets my eyes in a silent plea, and I lift her off of my chest.
It’s time to answer for the part I played in all of this.
CHAPTER25
JESSA
My reality has become a series of thoughts without tangible emotion.
I know what happened to me. I saw it all. I know why I am terrified to my core of Maxwell now, but I still don’t feel the results of his actions. I’m left with only my resolve that I can’t let it happen again.
There’s a piece missing, and until I find it and put myself back together, I’m useless to everyone I care about.
“I don’t know how to fix this,” I whisper helplessly.
That’s how I feel: helpless.
I’ve always fixed things. It’s what I do. But I can’t seem to fix myself, and my confession threatens to swallow me whole.
Jack shifts, moving my body to face his. As my wet skin brushes along his shirt, I realize for the first time since he entered the room that I’m curled up in his lap, on the floor, with a shower raining around us, and I’m naked.
“Jessa. I’m sorry.” The sadness written all over his face rattles me.
“What? What areyousaying sorry for?”
“I’m sorry I never told you who I was all of those years ago. If I had told you, things might have ended differently. I blamed myself for your disappearance for a long time. And if you knew I was undercover, you may have been able to find me—after.”
I’ve spent years drowning in hindsight. I don’t want him to succumb to it as well. “I don’t blame you for that, Jack. You could never have known what would happen.”
“I know you don’t blame me for that.Iblame me. But I know you blame me for something else.” His insinuation lingers, unspoken, and I scramble to figure it out on my own.
I have nothing. I never hated him. Not for any of it.
I shake my head to tell him I don’t agree, and he continues, “I never came for you, Jessa. Maxwell had you, and I never came for you. I moved on. I got married and had a family.”
My chest tightens. “That wasn’t true, Jack. He lied about those things,” I counter, and he picks up just as quickly.
