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“Yes, but you didn’t know that. You saw my family—my kids. My wife. Until a few days ago, you still believed I had a family, one you were trying to protect by not searching for me. You loved me, and I moved on. You must have hated me for that.”
My memories take me back to the cold room where I spent two days recovering after I woke up from Maxwell’s torture.
I remember drifting in and out as a result of whatever the doctor kept injecting into my IV. On one occasion, the doctor was sitting in a chair beside my bed.Maxwell’s orders, he said as he handed me a pile of photographs to look at.He wants to make sure you get a good look at these before you leave.
They were photos of Jack’s life—his falsified life. His smile was just like I remembered, only it wasn’t for me anymore. It was for her. I didn’t even know her name or the names he chose for his sons. I remember handing the photos back and waiting for the doctor to leave the room before I cried into the pillow.
But even after that, I still couldn’t let him go. I obsessed over him, but Maxwell closed off my outlet. I was too afraid to type his name on my keyboard. I wouldn’t let Dana say it out loud for fear that Jack’s family would be destroyed.
I was broken, but I couldn’t let go of him. Even though I knew he belonged to someone else, I couldn’t do it.
And I hated myself for that.
“It wasn’t you.” I drop my head, and the connection Jack just made for me hits me hard. I’m thankful I’m already on the floor.
“What?”
“I hated myself.” My own words hit me like a slap in the face.
I was the one who made the stupid mistake of leading Maxwell’s grunts to my door, thinking the Maxwell I knew was still somewhere inside the monster he had become. And when Maxwell showed me those photographs, I was hurt that Jack had moved on, and I hated myself for being so weak that I couldn’t do the same.
While I innocently played with my friends, an evil lived all around me, and I had no idea. Everything was a lie. I lived a life that never happened. Nothing was real, except for Dana and my family—and they were taken from me.
And I blamed myself for all of it.
“I looked for you, and you moved on. I was hurt, but at the same time I was happy for you. You weren’t living in this hell. You had a family, and you were in love.” I can’t help the sob that bursts from me at the reminder of how lost I felt when I saw the photos. Quickly composing myself, I continue, “I know that isn’t true now, but I lived with that for years. I’m the reason my family is dead. I don’t know how to just get past this. I don’t know how to forgive myself.” I’m momentarily thankful the shower is still on as my tears mix in with the spray all around us.
“I don’t think you do, Jessa. I truly don’t believe you blame yourself.” Jack’s arms pull me into him and clamp tight around me, holding me still and forcing me to listen to him. “If you were in a room right now, alone with the one who is truly responsible for all of this, you would place the blame where it is deserved. You don’t have a physical target to carry your hate—yet—so you’ve been punishing yourself in his absence. It was what fueled your will for so long. It kept you focused. But now it’s crushing you, and you need to place it back where it belongs, or it will eat you alive.”
I blink rapidly up at him while his words sink in.
“I’m going to stop him, Jack.” I speak softly, and he attempts to cut me off, but I continue. “He killed my family. I saw it happen. He tortured me, and he—he hurt me. He lied, about everything—about you. He took years of my life away from me. He took my parents away from me. He took you away from me, and I will be the one who kills him for it.”
I’ve gripped his shirt so tight my arms are shaking, and suddenly I feel tired.
Seconds turn into minutes as I exhaust myself into a heap in his arms. As soon as the intensity of my anger leaves me, Jack tilts my chin up to face him. The water is still raining down all around us in a sharp echo off the tiled walls.
Then, slowly, piece by piece, the entire room comes back into focus as my endorphin high drains away, as if following the water down the drain.
“You’re safe, Jessa. I’ve got you. You—”
As his words float off into the room, my body feels lighter than it has ever been, and darkness creeps in.
CHAPTER26
JACK
Watching Jessa sleep soothes me. Every now and then she takes a deep breath and sighs out a soft whimper, and each time my lips twitch in response.
She’s experienced years of pain and loss, but when she sleeps, it leaves her alone. As I sit on her bed, watching her without the demons she fights when she’s awake, I can’t help but want a future with her. I want to be the man she always needed. I’ll shield her from the things that would harm her, and we’ll deal with the pain together so she will find her way back to this sweet innocence during her waking hours as well.
Another breath, and she makes a move to roll over, but her exhaustion is too much, and she gives up her attempt and settles back into sleep.
I don’t think I could wake her right now even if I tried.
After the shower, she passed out in my arms. The weight of the past few days, a decade of running and the presence of Maxwell in addition to the video she watched, would be enough to deplete anyone.
Opening her wounds and bringing her feelings back to the surface was necessary for her to start healing. Whether she feels the weight of what she saw in the video or not, she may remember one day, and she needs to be ready to manage her emotions head-on.
