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Gary gives me a soft smile. "You are… but you won't be forever, honey. You're making moves, you're figuring things out. And you have me to help you get through this."
Lara
As it turns out—I havebothGaryandthe new toy he gave me to help me get through this.
I didn't think a sex toy would even help, but the distraction proves to be beyond beneficial. That evening, after a long shift, I'm eager to sleep, but two thoughts slink around in my mind like a hungry wolf: What did I say in my voicemail to Jamie? And I really want some wine.
These are the two things I need to avoid thinking about—so, instead of thinking about them, I reach for my new friend and get to work.
I’ve never owned a vibrator and while I masturbate on occasion, the idea of using a toy feels dirtier than I expected. Playing around with the settings, I turn it to the lowest it can go and hesitate for a moment before pressing the vibrating tip against myself.
Holy shit. Okay. This is weird. But it does feel kind of nice. The buzzing sensation travels through my pelvis, and I feel my nipples perking. I touch one with my other hand as the pleasure below grows. As I get into it, the anxiety of its dirtiness fades, and I turn it up a notch. Letting out a quiet moan, I cup my breast, massaging it gently in my palm.
Oh, wow. I don't even have to do any work or worry about my wrist getting tired. Instead, I can just lie here and enjoy the ripple of this pleasure from my groin as it emanates through my body.
This is beyond enticing.
How have I never used one of these before? And why didn't Jamie and I try this?
My eyes pop open. Fuck. Why am I thinking about him again?
I don't want to think about Jamie—about the curve of his lips, the way his tongue felt even better than this toy, or how tightly his thickness squeezed me from the inside.
Slowly, my eyes close and I press the vibrator against myself again. Man, he really did know how to fuck me. I miss that. Is it really only the intense lovemaking I miss? Or do I miss the way he held my hand, the comfort of his arms around me when we cuddled together in bed at night? Or the way he said my name.
No—what Jamie did to me is unforgivable. He isnota good guy. He only takes what he wants. Don’t be fooled, Lara.
They saypeople can change.He did put himself in danger to save Maddie from that rapist in the alley. And he got beat up pretty bad doing it. And… hewashelping Mark and his son. For a long time, it seems. Until I fucked that up. What if… what if he reallyhaschanged?
What if Jamie isn’t that person anymore?
No! Stop it! You saw Maddie on his lap. He didn’t save her forher. He just wants to get in her shorts. People may change… But not Jamie. He’s the same self-centered womanizer he always was. Let him go. He’s gone. And good riddance, too.
Pushing him out of my mind, I draw my focus back to the gentle buzzing in my hand. This feels good. I flick the switch to turn the vibrator up another notch, sliding it up between my moist lips. A rush of pleasure jolts through me and my body shudders. I massage my breast and roll my nipple between my fingers. I relax my body as I permit myself to escape into this private moment of pleasure. Pleasure that comes with no strings. No ties. No consequences. No risk.
I press the tip of the vibrating pleasure inside myself as I roll my head backward. My flowing hair suspended weightlessly above the floor as I close my eyes and let out a low moan.
Knock knock.
Godammit! Who the fuck is that at the door?
Chapter 23
Jamie
Aftersayinggoodbyetothe Pearls—and promising I wouldn’t wait another year before my next visit—I’m leaving Florida with a slight tan, a lighter heart, and a renewed sense that things may just be okay, even though I have no idea if that's even close to being the case.
My phone has been powered off since I got here to give myself a much-needed break from reality, and I make it all the way to Lafayette before I build up the courage to turn it back on.
To my pleasant surprise, there’s not a single text—which means the girls actually took me seriously when I told them I was going on vacation and didn’t want to be bothered. The truth of the matter is, though, that this hasn’t really been much of a vacation. I really like David and Beth, but dealing with the whole Chris thing never feels pleasant, as gracious as they are. But at least I did get some quiet time away from the chaos. Some space to regain my sanity and some time to think.
But what have I really thought about most of this time? Chris? Mark?
Lara.
No matter how hard I tried to push the persistent images of Lara out of my mind, I couldn’t get rid of them. I still can’t. And as the endless drone of road noise goes on, with nothing to distract me, thoughts of her take root and reestablish full-time residence in my mind.
As I pass mile marker after mile marker on my way back to Houston, thoughts of her weave a convoluted web of emotions that bounce back and forth from confusion, to anger, to sadness, to disdain, to melancholy, and back again to confusion. For sure, I miss her. Regardless of the emotion of the moment, the fact that she’s all I can think about says it all. I miss her, and I want her. And I can't understand why. Nor does it matter.Have a good fucking life, I think, were her last words as she left Eden’s. Pretty clearly, she never wants to see me ever again.
