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"That I was never his friend. Chris would have done anything for me. And all I cared about was what he could do for me.Hewas a friend to me, but I never really cared about him. I lied to myself that I was his friend, that I treated him with respect. But that's so far from the truth. I was never a true friend. Everyone on the team made fun of him… I never did. But I never stopped them, either. I was the captain of the team. And the quarterback. The guys listened to me. They would do anything I told them, but I never told them to leave Chris alone. I just let it go on."
"I think… I think I remember that. But he was kind of oblivious to it, wasn’t he?" Lara says.
"Exactly. He just wanted to be liked. So, when people made fun of him, he would just laugh along with them, going along with the joke. My team respected me. I was the captain. I should have stopped them. I should have told them to back off. But I didn't."
Lara squeezes my hand. "Wait a second… wasn't Chris the one… the one who…"
Her voice trails off, and I force myself to meet her gaze.
"He… he… " The emotion clogging my throat spills out, and tears pool in my eyes. I can't stop myself from crying. I don't swipe the tears from my eyes. I just let them fall, my chest heaving.
"It was a party senior year. At Mark’s house. After we won the division championships. I don't even know who invited him. It was probably me. Nobody else would have even thought of him. I knew the guys were fucking with him all the time, so I don’t know what I was thinking, inviting him to the biggest party the team ever had. I guess I just wanted him to be able to celebrate our success. He waspart ofthe reason we won. I should have known better."
Lara's lips curl down in a frown as she rests her hand on my shoulder.
I force myself to continue. “I blacked out. I was angry and upset about something. I don't remember what it was. And when I came downstairs… I guess a few of the guys from the team had decided to have their fun with Chris, and they took it way too far. They were all just as drunk as I was, and they were forcing him to take beer bongs. And they were making him drink too much, too fast. He ended up pissing himself.” I choke from the image of Chris stumbling in front of the crowd as they watched the dark patches of wetness growing down his pant legs.
“Oh my god, I can imagine. How horrifying. That poor kid,” Lara says.
“He only wanted to be one of us. A normal kid in high school. The saddest part is he was no different from any of the other smaller kids in school. He was punished because he wanted to play football, and never quit trying, even though he was too small. While the other kids who didn’t chase their dreams never suffered the same torment.”
My head is shaking as I think of the torment I had let my friends put Chris through. Just because he wanted to be one of us.
“It wasn’t your fault, Jamie.”
“Yeah. But the fucked-up part is I stumbled downstairs just as it was happening. When he saw me, there was this look of relief in his eyes. Like,Thank God. Jamie’s here. He’ll make them stop.He reached his hand out to me, pleading for me to help him. But all my friends were there, and I had a reputation to uphold, you know? So… instead of helping him, I started laughing along with my friends.”
“You couldn’t have known, Jamie. You can’t beat yourself up about it,” Lara says, rubbing my shoulders.
“I still see the sadness in his eyes. The look of betrayal. Every time I think of Chris, I want to kill myself for what I did. Or didn’t do, to help him.”
“When he saw me laughing, he ran out of the room, and all I could hear was the crowd… my friends… and all the girls… just laughing at him. He ran out the front door of the house. I wanted to follow him, I really did.” I’m crying uncontrollably, tears flowing like rivers down my cheeks, my nose clogged. The pain in my heart too much to bear.
"I cared more about my own reputation than I did about Chris. I just let him go. And I'll never forgive myself for that."
Lara says nothing, and the only sound is me clearing my throat.
“Chris killed himself that night. One of the guys found him hanging from the field goal crossbar on his way home from the party.”
“Oh no,” Lara begins to cry along with me. “Did he really?”
“Yes. It was never reported that way, but Seth Waters found him hanging in his underwear. He had taken off his pants and tied it to the crossbar. He was hanging from the belt cinched around his neck.”
“Oh, my god. That’s horrible,” she gasps, covering her eyes with her hands.
“I could have prevented it. Could have saved him. But I didn't. I was upset at the time, but it never really hit me until after my parents died. That’s when I realized there aren’t many people in my life who matter. Chris was one of them, and I didn’t even see it. Until after it was too late. And I've never forgiven myself for what I did. I never realized how alone I really was, even though I was always at the center of the crowd. I could have had anything I wanted then, and all I had to do was tell them to stop, and they would have left Chris alone.”
Lara drops her hand from my shoulder and squints her eyes. She purses her lips together. She’s trying to say something, but looks stuck.
"There's something I need to tell you, Jamie."
"What?"
She lets out a heavy sigh and leans back against the wall, pulling her knees up to her chest. Her head is back, and she’s looking at the ceiling. I can tell there’s something else bothering her by the way she's holding herself, and I want to touch her, to let her know I'm here for her. But something in me says that the conversation is headed in a different direction.
She draws in a deep breath as her gaze slowly turns to meet mine. "You know how you said you were upset and angry about something at the party?"
"Yeah?" I ask, wiping the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand.
