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“That’s not how it happened, Jamie.”
“What? What are you talking about?” Jamie replies.
“That girl did not want to give you a blowjob, Jamie. She only wanted to be liked.”
“You’re speculating, Lara. You weren’t there. I know. I could tell. She was into it.”
“Iwasthere, Jamie.”
“What? Bullshit. Where?”
“You haven’t even been listening to me, have you?”
“I was, I—"
“I was that girl, Jamie. It was me. The girl in the closet.”
A blank stare fills Jamie’s face as his head tilts and his jaw drops.
“What? No… Way… Lara. She didn’t look anything like you. You are stunningly beautiful. In every way. And she… she was…” He doesn’t finish.
“I don’t know about that, Jamie. But it was me. And I wasn’t ‘into it,’ as you so gently put it. I was forced. Violated. I never wanted any of that. It was rape, Jamie.”
“Rape?” he says. “But you… She?… You… kneeled right down in front of me. It was obvious.”
“I didnotkneel, Jamie. I fucking fell down. I asked you to turn on the lights, and you said no. I tripped over something in that closet. Next thing I know, you stick your dick in my mouth and grab me by the hair.”
“Lara… I didn’t. I mean. I thought…”
“You thought wrong, Jamie… That closet was so dark, but at first, I wasn’t afraid because you were in there with me, you know? I had the biggest crush on you since… Forever. I was so happy when that bottle pointed at me, because you were the guy that every girl dreamed of.”
“Lara… I hated that about me. I hated that everybody put me on a pedestal.Jamie, the Quarterback…Jamie the prom king…Jamie most likely to succeed. I could never do enough to meet everybody’s expectations. And I was drunk that night.”
“And I had never been with a boy. And the first chance I get, it’s with my dream guy. And then…” I take a deep breath. “You wouldn’t listen to me, Jamie. You only wanted one thing. All you could think about was yourself. All I wanted was to kiss the great Jameson Scott Albrecht.”
I can’t stop the first tears that burn the back of my eyes.
“As soon as that door closed, you started feeling me up, touching me. I wasn’t ready for that, so I tried backing away from you only to trip and fall on my knees. I was so embarrassed I didn’t even know what to say and when I asked you again if there was a way to give me some light so I could get up, you just…” Bile rises in my throat and I feel like I’m going to be sick, but I remember I’m not there anymore. I’m not helpless anymore.
“Having you force yourself into my mouth was…” I can’t even put it into words.
“And when I was finally able to push you off me and that door opened, everyone was standing there… staring. I have never been so mortified in my entire life. Never before or since. And no one cared. You didn’t care. No one asked me how I was. All they saw was the ugly girl who gave you a blowjob. But I didn’t.” I wipe the tears from my cheeks with my fingers.
“Lara, I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt anybody.You. I was–”
“Drunk, yeh, I know. But that doesn’t change anything, does it? Doesn’t take any of it back. Doesn’t make it hurt any less. Doesn’t make it okay,” I whisper as tears run down my face, my whole body trembling and shaking.
"Lara, please… That’s not what I mean. I mean… I should have known, but I didn’t. It’s all my fault. I would have never—"
“But you did, Jamie. And if that wasn’t bad enough, then you either started or allowed a bunch of rumors to spread. You destroyed me that night. I just wanted to run and hide, but as I ran from that closet, you didn’t say a word. Notnothing happened, orit’s not what it looks like. After that, the whole school talked about that night and everyone started calling meLara Dick-Licker, The Sawyer Slut,right up until the day I graduated.”
“Lara, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine. I didn’t mean to hurt you—”
“And you want to know the worst part?” I heave, wiping the mascara from my cheek. “Before that night, I had never even kissed anybody. I was so happy when that bottle landed on me because I thought you would be my first kiss.” Tears flow down my face as I finish telling Jamie whatreallyhappened that night. My recollection of that night nine years ago. That night I went from being called variations ofUgly Fuckling,Ugly Dieckling,Fuggly Dieckling,toLara Dick-Licker The Ugly Sawyer Slut. That night, Jamie Albrecht stole my innocence. I had never even been kissed and ended up having the first sexual experience in my life forced on me. That night scarred me so badly I couldn’t look at a guy without the memory of it coming back to haunt me.
Jamie is frozen, his back straight and his shoulders stiff. He's staring at me, not blinking. I can't tell if he has mentally blocked out everything I just told him, or if his soul has just left his body and he’s about to fall over dead.
His lips part, and his voice tenses. "The nickname… it was my fault."
