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Did I just break him? What the hell? After everything, this is what he focuses on?
“I know, your silence at the time spoke volumes, so tongues started wagging and I was at the blunt end of them.”
When he blinks, I spot a single tear spilling from his left eye and I lean back, confused. What is going on? Should I say something? Before I can even think about what I would say, he presses his face into his palms.
“It’s more than that, Lara. I did say something. But it’s what I said. You probably didn’t hear it.”
“Oh. I can’t wait to hear this, Jamie.”
“That's what I said when you left the closet.” His words are muffled by his hands. It's because he's remembering and he doesn't want to look at me. I freeze because I'm clinging to what he's about to say next.
“What? What? What? Jamie? What is it you said?”
"I said… I said that you had barely licked my… my dick. And that's why they started calling you that name."
My heart pounds in my chest. He is right—that happened, but does he understand even a bit of the immensity of pain I have gone through my whole life because of that night? As the silence fills with tension, I force myself to stay quiet and let him talk.
“I’ve thought about that night every day of my life since it happened, Lara. Because I killed Chris that night. It’s my fault. And I didn’t even do anything to him. All I did was nothing.” He lowers his hands from his face. Tears flow down his cheeks as he forces himself to look at me, his lips twisting as he struggles to push out his next words.
"But you. That’s different. I took advantage of you. I assaulted you. And until now, I never even thought about it. I am so sorry. I’m not that person. I love you, Lara. I can’t imagine ever hurting you. I can’t tell you how bad I feel, and how wrong I was."
Those are the words that do me in. My heart cracks from the relief of pressure I didn't even know I'd been holding in. An unseen burden floats from my shoulders. A validation I didn't even know I'd been searching for slams into me and I'm sobbing, my head shaking, as tears cascade from my eyes and flow down my cheeks.
Jamie reaches out as if he wants to touch me, but then catches himself as if he's afraid to. "I'm so sorry." His cries start to match mine. "Lara, please, know how sorry I am. I don't know what to say. There's nothing to say. I was drunk, I was a kid—but none of that matters because what I did was wrong. What I did was so wrong. And I am so, so, so sorry…"
Wiping my eyes, I dare a glance up at him. Words evade me.
He's silent for a second and then rubs his eyes and sighs. "Can I ask you a question?"
I slowly nod, and my heart starts to race. He's going to ask me if I have been trying to destroy him since the first day I walked into Eden’s. I honestly have no idea.
His bottom lip trembles and his eyes become glossy. "How… how could you ever have sex with me after what I did to you?"
The question shocks me. Instead of accusing me of my own actions, instead of putting blame on me, his tone is sincerely remorseful. But it is a good question, and it's something I haven't really considered.
"I think… I think I compartmentalized a lot."
"But you had to have known it was me when you saw me the day you walked into Eden's."
I nod. "Yeah. But I just didn't want to go back there… and I really needed a job." My laughter surprises me and he gives me a small smile. "There was a part of me that wanted revenge against that person in the closet—thatJamie… but the more I got to know you, the more I saw you, the person you've become. And I think I disassociated and split you into two different people in my mind." The realization presses hard into my chest. "My feelings for you are real, Jamie."
This sentence shatters the stoic expression on his face, and he closes his eyes as more tears fall.
I continue talking, and my fists roll into a ball. "But then, when I saw Maddie in your lap that day at the club. I don't know what hit me. It was like this anger just overcame me and I was convinced on some level that you were still the same asshole in that closet, and I just wanted to do anything possible to take you down. And I am really sorry for that."
He squeezes my hand. "No. Do not apologize to me. For anything. Seriously, Lara. I completely understand where you're coming from. More than you can know."
I glance down at his hand, realizing two things. His touch doesn't frighten or disgust me like I'd thought it would after talking about that night out loud. In fact, I feel the opposite. His touch is comforting. But it is more than that.
The guilt that I've been carrying around since I tried to destroy Jamie's career and reputation dissipates. If Jamie can forgive me, then I can forgive him, too. And I can forgive myself.
Squeezing his hand, my next thoughts spill out. "I forgive you, Jamie. Can you forgive me?"
His eyes widen. "I don't deserve that, Lara. And of course. I understand now why you did what you did."
"Jamie, I've spent almost ten years of my life carrying this around with me. I don't think you understand the emotional burden of such a weight. I've never even said it out loud—to anyone. But getting the chance to say it to you. To hear your apology. You don't know what that means to me."
"Lara, if I had known the truth about that night. Notmytruth, butthetruth, and if I had recognized you, that would have been the first thing I would have done. Hell, I would have told you that ten years ago. I always remembered something had happened that night, but I couldn't remember exactly what. And then when Chris died, everything spiraled and I… I lost myself."
