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I linger in the bathroom doorway, watching him navigate the kitchen with a new familiarity. He pulls out the flour and baking powder and I know we’re having pancakes, my favorite. He’s so sweet, the thought of ending it makes my chest ache. I spend too long in the shower, dodging life under the soothing massage of hot water. A knock on the bathroom door tells me I’ve gone overtime in the shower.
“Come on, save some hot water for the rest of the building, and come have some breakfast before it gets cold.”
I wrap myself in my bathrobe and join him in the kitchen. Stacks of fluffy pancakes cover our plates and a pitcher of hot syrup stands beside them, it’s sugary goodness begging to cover the pancakes. My favorite mug sits behind the plate of pancakes filled to the brim with fresh steamy coffee.
“Thank you.” I hug him, taking in his musky scent that blends perfectly with the aroma of freshly cooked pancakes.
“Anything for you,” he says. I look away. How could I hurt two people I care so much about all in one go? I never should have let myself get distracted from school, that’s where all of this mess began.
We eat in silence, Tyson content to let me stew in my thoughts. I’m grateful because I don’t know how to make small talk knowing it’s the last time we’ll be together.
“I’m going to get going so you can study.” He finishes washing the dishes and sets the last fork on the drying rack. “Don’t forget to eat some cookies. They’ll keep your spirits up. Real food too, though, okay?”
“Right, one bite of real food for every three cookies. Got it.” I tease, but my heart isn’t it. He gives me a quick kiss before turning to the door and leaving. Perhaps forever.
I lock the door behind him and let out a long breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. It’s late morning, and I feel like I’m nursing a hangover despite not having had a drop of alcohol. My head throbs. I down some Advil and a few cups of coffee, then get to work. Pauline has sent me her research for our Ethics project, and it’s time for me to do my share of the work, so I dive into that project first. Shortly after getting started, my phone vibrates. Cole.
Cole: Can we talk?
I flip my phone upside down so I can’t see the screen but the damage is done, my stomach is in knots. And I want to purge the pancakes. The harder I try to focus on the Ethics project, the more distracted I get until I realize I’m staring out the window with nothing in my mind but the tangled knot that is my life with Cole and Tyson. My phone vibrates again, twice in a row.
Cole:Look, I know it’s awkward, but talking will help.
Cole:Don’t ignore me, Anders, I know you always have your phone.
Groaning, I put my head in my hands. He knows me too well and the last thing I’m capable of right now is figuring out how to explain myself to Cole. I can’t even explain myself to myself. Ethics project, right? I turn my attention back to the project. Maybe I should do a presentation on the complicated ethics of my current turmoil. I bet that would go over well. Another buzz. This time, it’s Tyson.
Tyson:I know you said ‘no’ last night, but I’d like you to take some time to think over my offer. I respect your decision, whatever it is, but I won’t think any less of you if you decide you’d be willing to accept some help. You’re strong, you’re smart, and you have people who care about you.
I know he doesn’t get it, but my pride would never let me accept an offer like that. When I was growing up, my parents worked hard and never took any help from others. They did it all on their own, even when it was unbearably difficult. If they could do it, so can I. It won’t feel like repaying their hard work or years of suffering if I cave and take a handout from Tyson. No, I need to earn this myself. I flip my phone upside down again and begin fleshing out the first slide for the Ethics presentation.
By afternoon, my stomach is grumbling and I haven’t felt the sunshine all day, so I suit up to head out for lunch. I’m careful to avoid the route to Cupitol, not putting it past Cole to hang out there. Actually, I’m surprised he hasn’t shown up at my place yet, but maybe he’s more hurt than his texts are letting on. Maybe he only wants some answers before he kicks me out of his life for good.
I stop at a small deli I know Cole never goes to and I order a salad and a bowl of potato cheddar soup. As I sit down next to the deli window, I wonder if Tyson would approve of the soup. Sitting in silence, I stare out the window and watch the people go by as I munch on lettuce and slurp down the thick and creamy soup. It feels liberating to be out of the house. It’s filled with years of memories of Cole, and too many recent memories of Tyson. Ever since that first night he came over, it’s been impossible to look at anything without thinking of him and how he filled the space. Here, at least, there are no memories. None with Cole. None with Tyson.
I reach into my backpack, take out my laptop and open it up, deleting everything I had previously written for the first slide. I start from scratch, this time the words flow with ease and a new found confidence provides the momentum I need to get through a complete first draft. I send it over to Pauline with a short note.
Me:Let me know what you think. We should write note cards for it together.
After closing my laptop, I reach into my knapsack and pull out my phone. There are three new texts that came in while I was working, two from Cole and one from Tyson. I don’t read them. I swipe the notifications away instead, and open my laptop again. A reminder on my calendar pops up.Oh no.I’ve got a Physiology exam tomorrow that I haven’t studied for, and I’m on the verge of breaking down to a B in that class. I can’t afford to bomb this test. I get out my textbook and start to make flash cards. That was something Cole used to do for me, help me pick out the important bits from the text that we should turn into flash cards. He always knew exactly what to study for the tests and he was always so confident we had covered everything that it took away a lot of my test anxiety. And he was always right. Now, I have to figure it out all on my own.
I start from the beginning of the chapter and go through the material in excruciating detail, not having the luxury of Cole to help me prioritize the important points. I’m furiously jotting down keywords when my phone rings, vibrating so violently it walks part way across the table. I quickly fumble for it, hitting the ignore button before I see that it’s Cole. My heart pounds as I wait for the voicemail notification but it never comes, and somehow that is worse, as if he doesn’t want what he has to say to be recorded. He needs to let me have it straight to my face.
I pack up my laptop, the Physiology textbook, and my phone, leaving my half-eaten salad. I’m sick to my stomach with dread and guilt and am now regretting having eaten the soup. I doubt I will ever have an appetite again, even for the tray of homemade carb treats at home.Especiallyfor those. Tyson made those special for me, and now I’m about to tell him we can never see each other again. After watching his mysterious transformation from being the asshole stranger I first met at the hospital to becoming the thoughtful and considerate man who held me all night long, it feels like another betrayal.
The walk home from my quasi lunch goes by way too quickly, and as I’m letting myself into my apartment, I feel my phone buzz again. I drop my backpack to the floor and pull it out, accidentally unlocking it. It goes right to my text chain with Cole and I know now he’ll be able to see that I read it.Shit.
Cole:Please, Jordan. Just talk to me. Meet me at Cupitol tomorrow morning so we can talk this over.
I want to say no. I’ve got that Physiology test tomorrow and the last thing I need is an argument with Cole derailing my thoughts for the day, but I owe him this much.I stare at the keyboard for a long time.
Me:Okay, I’ll be there.
For better or for worse, there is no avoiding it. I’ve got to face Cole. Is this going to be the end of our friendship? I couldn’t blame him. At this point, I barely recognize myself.
Chapter 21
Tyson
