AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I’m pretty sure I should be the one saying that.” He laughs, though it’s dry and without humor. “I really fucked up in your dorm the other day, and way before that, I think. We really made a mess of all this, didn’t we?”
“Seems like it,” I whisper. “Do you hate me?”
“I thought I did,” he answers, sitting up. He doesn’t move his arm from my back, but his fingers trace circles on my shoulder, easing the knotted muscles there. “I know I’ve said it before, but it was easier that way. When I look at you, I see the greatest mistake of my life. So, yeah.” He sighs. “It was easier to put that on you than to accept my blame in all that.”
“I never wanted you to do what you did. I’ve regretted letting you go that night every single day since.”
He sighs, repositioning us so we’re sat crossed-legged, facing one another. “Don’t you get it? The mistake isn’t beating Sebastian that night. Jesus, Bumblebee, I’d do that a thousand times over if it means you’re still here.”
“I don’t under—”
“It’s you, Beatrice,” he blurts, his hands creeping up to cup my face. “You are the greatest mistake of my life. You know, I loved you for the longest time, way before I ever knew what that meant. But I was so scared to tell you. I thought if we got together and things went badly, everything would fall apart.”
“Maverick,” I croak, my throat clogging.
“Turns out, in not telling you, it all fell apart anyway, huh?” His thumb caresses my cheek, heating the skin despite the bitter wind that whips around us. “If I had just stopped you going to him that first time, everything would have turned out different.”
“You don’t know that,” I tell him, tilting my head. “Sebastian was charming, sweet, and kind.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t defend him.”
“I’m not,” I insist, chuckling, even though amusement is the last thing I feel. “It’s nothing but the truth. There were no red flags when we first met, there was nothing that could ever suggest he’d turn into the person he did. It’s easy to look back and say we should have done things differently, now that we know the truth. But we don’t know what would have happened. You and me? We may have never worked out anyway, and I could have always found myself in his orbit.”
He opens his mouth, ready to say something else, but he clamps it shut, turning his head to the sea. The waves crash against the pier, and light rain begins to trickle over us, but I can’t peel my eyes away from him.
We sit there for a little while in comfortable silence, neither of us feeling the need to fill it with empty words. These used to be my favorite moments with him, just sitting quietly as we watched the world move around us. But, as will all moments in time, eventually it has to pass.
“Why’d you do it?” he asks. “Why did you retract your statement?”
Holding my breath, I close my eyes, dropping my head. This isn’t the first time he’s asked the question, but it’s the first time I’ve ever wanted to give him something . . . if only so he can try to move past it.
“I was scared, Maverick,” I answer. “It’s not an excuse, and I doubt it's the answer you want, or the one you need, but it’s the truth. It’s probably not something you can understand, and I don’t expect you to, but I can’t give you anything more than that.”
Opening my eyes, I turn to him, and his shoulders slump and his fingers tap along the metal rail. He seems so conflicted, and I wish I could give him the answers he wants, but I won’t. I can’t.
“I’ve been so caught up in my own shit that never once did I stop to think about that. I never doubted what he did to you, you know?” His eyes find mine then, so full of regret and sorrow that my stomach curdles. “I should have told you that. So many times before. I’m so fucking sorry that I didn’t. God, there are so many things I’m sorry for. How can you even bear to look at me?”
“Because I know you, Maverick. That day, when you found me, it’ll haunt me forever. I never wanted anyone to see me like that, least of all you. Your hate, your anger, it’s a lot simpler than the emotions I saw that night. I understand it, and for a while, I thought I really deserved it from you. And maybe I still do. If I had just stuck to the truth, things might be so different today.”
“Did you still love him, that day you retracted your statement?” His fingers grip my chin, tugging my gaze back to his. That question isn’t what I expected from him, and my brow furrows.
I think back to those years, to my relationship, and the answer is clear.
“I thought I did.” Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I press into the skin, reveling in the burst of pain before releasing it with a pop. “But no, I didn’t. I don’t think I ever loved him, not really. And he didn’t love me. He can’t have, otherwise he’d have never done what he did. I met him when I was fourteen, and I had a crush, but that was all it ever was. It grew into something it never should have. He took everything from me over the course of three years, and I handed it over, without even realizing. How could that have ever been love?”
Shame settles in the pit of my stomach, my eyes fluttering closed as I hold my breath. Maverick says nothing for a long moment, but I feel his eyes on me. Watching me.
“Look at me, Bumblebee.”
My eyes flicker open, landing on his face. So much intensity reflects in his gray depths, stealing my breath as he leans forward. His fingers still hold my chin, but his other hand creeps up, cupping the back of my head. “You know it wasn’t your fault, right? Not any of it. Don’t you dare say you gave him anything willingly. You were a kid, Bea.”
His words filter through me, and I try so hard to make them stick. To believe what he’s telling me, but how can a few words change years of thoughts? I look away, my eyes landing on a couple of teenagers that run along the length of the beach, their faces bright with happiness as they laugh.
“Did you love me?” Maverick asks, his question a heavy weight on my shoulders.
Over the years, Maverick has been everything to me at one time or another. Friend, protector, tormentor, stranger, lover. When I was a child, I thought he was everything. From the moment I met him, the first day I walked into Willow’s house back in elementary school, Maverick Brady became my entire world. We were just kids, and yet there he was, the subject of all my dreams.
But is that love?
