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“What’s wrong?” I asked him, bumping his arm with my shoulder as I had done about a million times before. He didn’t react at all, though, and just kept staring, so I bumped him again, this time harder. “Hey, snap out of it and answer me, or I will find a way to throw you out that damn window.”
“Sorry, I just have a lot to think about,” he said.
“Oh? Anything I can help with?”
He gave me a one-shoulder shrug.
“Not really, I just…” he opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t quite find the words. I waited, but he didn’t seem to want to tell me. He looked at the floor and shuffled his feet. I stood there watching him with my arms crossed.
Behind me, Kiwi was saying something to Donte about a website they wanted to set up for me.
“I just don’t like this. You, being married. You’re too young to be married,” he said, and I laughed.
“My mother got married when she was twenty-one. I’m twenty-four, almost twenty-five, Logan. That’s nothing. People used to get married right out of high school all the time.”
“That’s not the point,” he scowled.
“Then what is the point, Logan? Do you really have a problem with me being married at my age, or is it just that you don’t want me married to Jimmy?”
His silence told me the latter was the truth. Of course, it was. I didn’t know when Logan’s crush had started, but I did know that now it didn’t matter—and not just because I was married. My feelings for Logan over the years had never ignited in me what I was feeling now for Jimmy. I couldn’t tell Logan that, though. That would just be mean and, no matter what, Logan was still my friend. I couldn’t be blunt and mean to him, not about this.
“Logan, you had your chance to fall for me, and I had my chance to fall for you. But for whatever reasons, we just never lined up. Now I have to give this marriage my all for as long as I can because, no matter how we started, Jimmy is it for me. He’s my husband.”
“Do you even like him? I mean… are you happy?” he asked, and I sighed. That was probably the first time he had asked me that. I nodded.
“I am actually. Jimmy is a great guy when you get to know him.”Logan nodded again, this time at the ground. He refused to meet my eyes, but I didn’t press him to. He was allowed to be upset by my marriage just as much as I was allowed to try to enjoy it. But at least now it was out in the open.
“I’m sure he is,” he said sadly. “But hey, you know… if it doesn’t work out with him, I’ll be here for you. I mean… I’ve loved you for a long time now.”
I smiled at him and put my head on his shoulder, watching the world outside our drama scuttle around like ants.
“I loved you too, Logan, and I appreciate that.”
So Logan and I would be able to remain friends. That was important to me because he had been such a big part of my life for a long time. I didn’t want to lose him over this, and it seemed like I wouldn’t.
Thursday I spent learning how to use the website Kiwi and Donte had put together for me and how to post content on social media. Donte said he would be in charge of most of that because he knew I sucked at it, but there were videos I could take on my own that he couldn’t, like process videos and such.
In my studio, I started a new painting using the large corner window as inspiration, as I had felt the first time I saw the room. I began by blocking in the city at the bottom of the canvas using muted reds, browns, blues, and grays. I used a dripping technique I had learned in high school, and once that was done, I started on the main focus. About halfway through, I remembered I should start filming the process. I set my phone up to capture me sitting there hour after hour, but when I sped it up, it really did look amazing.
When I realized it was already 8:00 p.m. and I hadn’t eaten all day, I texted Jimmy.
Me: Hey, I’m starting to get hungry… When are you coming home?
Me: I’ll cook you something
It took him a little while to answer. I had practically cleaned everything up before my phone sent me the notification.
Jimmy: I can’t come home tonight, contract issues
Jimmy: Sorry
That sucked, but I understood. He was a busy man, and he had warned me that he wouldn’t be at home much. I guess I just hadn’t realized exactly how much he wouldn’t be at home.
Me: That’s okay, I understand. See you tomorrow?
Jimmy: Maybe. We’ll see
I didn’t very much like that answer, but it was better than him giving me false hope. I would have been pissed if he had said I would see him and then ended up sleeping at the office again, as he had every night that week.
