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I shake my head and swallow hard, "Look, Cassidy, I-"
"I know, maybe we should slow things down a little," she continues. "I've been through relationships where I've jumped in feet first, moved too fast and built up these expectations-"
"Cassidy!" I interrupt her again, this time determined to get this secret off my chest.
"You didn't build up any expectations. I did," I confess.
Cassidy doesn’t speak, she looks at me shocked and waiting.
I lower my voice and continue, "From the very beginning, I've been manipulating you. I knew exactly what I was doing and where it would lead."
She doesn’t get it, she doesn't understand what I'm trying to say.
"Do you remember when we first met at the newsstand?" I ask.
She nods, I can see she's trying to figure out where I'm going with this.
"I told you love and romance were a commercial construct. A gimmick people bought into," I explain. "The wedding industry, the jewelry industry, developers, grocery stores, restaurants, they all have a stake in people believing in love and believing that if they don't find there's something wrong with them," I say.
Cassidy nods remembering our first meeting.
"I've found in my research that the feeling we call love can be replicated by circumstances and specific actions. Things like showing someone you care enough to remember certain details about them other people don't," I explain hoping she would realize what I am trying to say so I don't have to spell it out.
She doesn’t and selfishly, I am disappointed.
"Well, that's exactly what I’m doing. I did my research and figured out how to make people fall in love and that's what I did," I say, "and I'm sorry, I'm sorry I used you as a guinea pig for my project."
Cassidy pushes the eggs around on her plate. She doesn't look at me and I understand why.
I wouldn't look at me either. I had led her to believe that everything that happened between us was actually real, that I felt something for her. I enjoyed her company yesterday. What happened last night was real but it was based on a lie. There was no silver lining, no saving grace and nothing that made me feel anything less guilty about what I have been doing to her.
"I know it's hard for you to understand, I don't even understand myself how I could do such a thing, but it was before I knew you," I explain hoping for a response. Rage, tears, anything. "You’re a good person and you deserve so much better than this. It's all on me, you didn't do anything wrong and I take full responsibility,"
Cassidy still doesn't speak so I go on. She must not understand, she must not see what a sick and twisted thing I had done. She had spent the night with a man who had manipulated her into believing in something that didn't exist.
"Ed and I had a bet going. He would fund the whole thing on a commercial level. People would come to a resort and we'd engineer their experience to help them fall in love." It sounds disgusting even as I say it.
The science made sense, it all sounded good on paper, but watching a stranger fall in love with me when I knew I couldn't return her feelings? That was something else, something so absolutely horrendous it was almost impossible to imagine. But I had done it.
"The bet was first that Ed would fund the project 50% if I could make you fall in love with me in a month," I take a deep breath and wait. Again Cassidy says nothing.
"We raised the stakes and if I got you to marry me, he would pay for the entire project," I continue. "And I would have gone through with it too, but when I saw you this morning, I realized just how wrong it all is."
Cassidy looks up at me, her face is blank and her eyes dull. I can’t read her. I don’t know what to expect.
"I understand if you hate me. It was a cruel thing to do and, for what it's worth, I really am sorry," I apologize and wait again. Nothing.
The calm before the storm.
Cassidy takes the first bite of her breakfast and chews it slowly. Savoring it before she takes another bite.
I silently watch her eat her breakfast waiting for her to tear into me.
13
Cassidy
Itake a deep breath and then a sip of orange juice. I know Ethan is watching me nervously after his confession.
