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She nodded. “I miss Jewel the most of all.”
“She misses you, too, baby girl.” I reached out and ran a hand over her head.
Alissa, dressed in the required yellow gown and blue rubber gloves knocked on the door. “Knock, knock!” she said happily. “Special delivery for Remi’s tea party! These cookies look yummy!”
Smiling brightly, she wheeled in a grey plastic cart with cookies, two cups, tea bags, and miniature pot of hot water.
Remi clapped her hands three times. “Yay! Are they chocolate chip?”
“Is there any other kind?”
“Yes. Peanut butter and oatmeal,” Remi answered with a pronounced nod. Alissa transferred the offering on the bedside table and pushed it closer until it was situated across the top of the bed, then pressed the button that raised the top half of the bed so Remi was almost sitting up.
Remi pushed the blanket down and then reached across to place the tea bags in the cups. “There are only two, but if you want some, I can share mine.” Remi looked at Alissa hopefully.
“I’d love to, doll, but I have to work. Maybe next time, okay?” She leaned over and patted her hand.
“Darn. Okay.”
I picked up the pot of water and carefully poured them into the two cups as the nurse left.
Remi picked up a cookie and took a bite. “Mommy, am I gonna die?” She was serious, exuding a calmness that I’d never manage to echo.
I almost gasped out loud at her bluntness, but amazed at how grown-up she seemed? “Goodness, no!” I said emphatically. I didn’t know for sure what was going to happen, but I couldn’t tell her.
“It’s okay if I am.”
“No, it isn’t okay, Remi! What would Mommy do without you? The doctors are working hard to make you better.”
“I thought I was better. I thought that bad medicine put Leuky to sleep.” She took another small bite of her cookie.
I nodded, trying to figure out a way to have this discussion with a five-year-old.
“You were, honey, but Leuky is very naughty. It doesn’t always do as it’s told. We have to fight it some more to get rid of it for good.” I hated that she gave the disease a name, but leukemia was too long for her to say when she was first diagnosed at three years old.
Her green eyes, so much like her fathers, filled with tears. “I don’t want the mean medicine, again, Mommy. I don’t want my hair to fall out again. Jesus doesn’t want my hair to fall out. Can’t he tell Leuky to leave? Like he fixed that blind little boy in the book?”
I’d been reading her a book filled with stories from the new testament of the bible told in a kid-friendly way. She particularly liked the stories about Jesus. My heart broke inside my chest.
“He’s trying, honey. Sometimes Jesus asks other people to help him. All of these nurses and doctors are working very hard to help get you better, too.” It was harder than hell not to burst out crying. “Do you understand, sweet pea?”
“Yeah, but do I have to have the mean medicine?”
I shook my head. “We hope not. We’re going to try something else. There is someone out there who has the same type of bone marrow you do, so they are going to give you some so you can start growing healthy blood. It won’t hurt except a needle, but you’re a big girl about those.”
“Who is it? Is it another kid who is all better already?”
“We don’t know yet, baby. There is a big list of people who offered and they all have to have a test first. Don’t worry, Remi, we’ll find someone, okay?”
She smiled wide. “Okay. Mommy, you’re not eating your cookie!”
I picked it up and took a bite to appease her, but it tasted like cardboard in my mouth. Chase might not match either, and if I called him it might backfire and blow up all of our lives. It was a chance to save her and not have to wait for a match.
I didn’t even have the phone in my hand, but my heart felt like it would fly from my chest. My prayers would be answered, or the world could end. I glanced at the silver frame sitting on the nightstand next to her bed and knew that I had no choice. I took out my phone…
CHASE
Six years since I left her.
